Stepped On Mom

I'm Entitled, Right?

2011-02-24T13:54:00.004-06:00

I often feel guilty about buying myself things that aren't absolutely necessary. New shoes? Only if my old ones are unwearable. New pants? Only if they are on sale, and only if I can justify the need. Makeup? None of that "expensive, name brand" stuff - I'll buy my eyeliner at Target, thank you very much.

However, the same can't be said for my step-kids. Perhaps it's because I grew up in a household without "extra" income, or maybe it's because I work hard for my paycheck and I understand that my earnings shouldn't be spent on frivolity. Whatever the reason, I absolutely cringe at the lack of respect my step-kids show when it comes to our budget and finances.

Some liberties have been taken with the quotes below... just telling you what I hear.

"I need $185 for behind-the-wheel classes."

"My lifeguard training needs renewing, so I need to be signed up for the class. It's $235." The kicker with this one is that it enables my step-son to earn money all summer long. Money he spends without guilt. Yet we are supposed to provide the training he needs in order to make this money. Doesn't seem right to me.

"Soccer registration starts soon. It's only $75."

"I need green shoes. I'll only be wearing them once, for a show, so don't worry about spending more than $20 on them." Side note: Have you ever tried to find ladies heels in a cute shade of green that cost under $20?!?

"I joined the speech team. I know you already paid for a winter activity fee for me, but I decided that activity was too much work, so I joined the speech team instead. No, you can't get a refund for my previous activity fee. No, the speech fee is not prorated because I joined halfway through the season."

"About speech - it will require a parent waking up at 5:30am on Saturdays to drive me to the High School so I can get on the bus and spend all day at the speech meet. Then you can pick me up when I return to town somewhere between 2pm and 6pm. You might want to keep your schedule open so you can pick me up as soon as I require you to do so."

"Also, speech requires me to wear a suit. Jacket, shirt, tie, pants, belt, socks, and dress shoes. I have to look nice. Shouldn't cost any more than a couple hundred for the entire set-up."

"I'm taking four AP classes this year. I don't feel like studying for them and doing my homework, so I'm barely passing these classes. However, at the end of the school year, you will be required to pay $60/class so I can take the AP test in an attempt to earn college credits for said classes. We both realize there's no way I will be able to pass the AP test since I can't even pull decent grades on the homework and daily assignments. However, I really do want to take the tests. You can make the checks out to..."

You get the picture. Every time we turn around, there's another hand extended - palm up - waiting for the payola.

Today, I thought of all this, and made a guilt-free purchase for myself. I bought a new coat. It was on clearance. 70% off. I work 40+ hours/week. I can treat myself, right...? *guilt*

UNTIL...

2010-12-16T08:32:00.003-06:00

... This year, when my step-daughter turned 14, it was once again our year to host her birthday party. About two months before her birthday, I told my husband that I was planning to give my step-daughter enough money so that she could either throw her own party or spend the money on school clothes. The choice would be hers, and I would not waste any time or effort in trying to plan something that would surely displease her.

A couple nights after I told my husband of my plans, my step-daughter told him she would like to take two friends to an amusement park for her birthday. Being that it was her request (and therefore, a birthday party that would please her), I considered what she wanted and agreed that I would take her and two girlfriends to the roller coaster park. Even though it was more money than I'd planned on spending, I figured it was a sure-fire way to give her a memorable birthday. We checked our calendars and found a date that worked for everyone. The plan was to leave our house early in the morning and get to the park when they opened. Being that it was the end of summer, the park was scheduled to be open until 10pm with a fireworks show after they closed, so we decided we would stay the entire day and watch the fireworks.

About three weeks before her party, my step-daughter asked if she could bring three friends instead of two. I reminded her that I was spending more than my original budget on her and her two friends, and told her that if she wanted to bring a third friend, I would not pay for that person. Either she could pay me, or her friend could buy their own ticket. My step-daughter agreed to this arrangement.

A few days after agreeing to bring a third friend, I went online to look for discounts and to buy advance tickets to the amusement park. There was a special ticket package available, in which an all-you-can-eat dinner was included with the purchase of a regular priced ticket. For those of you who have ever been to an amusement park and paid their prices for food, you'll know this package deal was a very good option. It meant I could pack a cooler of food & drinks for lunch, and then everyone would have a ticket for the dinner buffet, which included hot dogs, hamburgers, BBQ chicken, side dishes, soft drinks, and ice cream. Although I wasn't able to use any discounts or coupons on the tickets, it was still a great deal.

Before I decided to purchase the tickets, I called my step-daughter (she had spent the night at a friend's house) to make sure her "extra" friend would be ok with purchasing a ticket at regular price. I explained the plan, and how with the tickets I was planning to buy, they would have dinner included. She said it sounded like a good plan, and I told her that if it was ok with her, I would purchase tickets for all four girls and that she or her friend could simply pay me back for the extra ticket. My step-daughter asked me if I would call her friend's mom and explain the cost and how I wanted her to pay for her daughter's ticket. I told my step-daughter that it wasn't my request to bring an extra friend and that it wasn't my responsibility to communicate the details to her friend or her friend's mom - it was her responsibility to do so. In fact, if my step-daughter had an issue with making her friend pay for her ticket, I reminded her that she could simply pay for her friend out of her birthday money. Of course, this was not an option she liked. I again asked if it was ok for me to purchase all the tickets at full price, and she said that yes, I should go ahead and buy them and I would be paid back for one ticket.

I purchased the package deal a few minutes after hanging up the phone, and printed out the tickets. Proud of myself for finding such a great deal and having planned the party my step-daughter specifically requested (and was therefore sure to like), I breathed a sigh of relief.

Five minutes later, the phone rang. It was the mom of the girl who was the "fourth wheel", and she wanted to know what the deal was. "I understand you have invited my daughter to a birthday party, but that you're only paying for some of the kids' tickets, is that correct?" (I could just hear my step-daughter explaining it to her "My mean ol' stepmom is making us pay for our own tickets for my birthday party.") So I explained how her daughter was actually not part of the original party I had agreed to, and that my step-daughter agreed to provide a ticket for her daughter - either paid by the friend or paid by my step-daughter. The mom explained that she had a free admission ticket to the park, so instead of paying for her daughter, she'd just send her with that free admission ticket. Which would have been great to know five minutes prior to her phone call. Ugh. So I explained how I'd just purchased tickets for all of the girls, and that the tickets were date-specific, as they included a dinner buffet admission as well as park admission. I understood that her daughter had free park admission, but that didn't help the situation. I told her the ticket was already purchased and that she didn't need to send along the free admission pass.

I'm very much a stick-to-your-guns type of person, and I believe that consistency is key in being a good (step) parent. Therefore, because I told my step-daughter she would be responsible for reimbursing me for one of the tickets, I held her to that. She agreed on the phone that I would buy tickets for everyone at full-price and that she would make sure I was paid back for one of the tickets. It wasn't about the money, even though I was over budget to begin with; it was more about the fact that I planned a and very nice party for my step-daughter, and she requested more. Since the plan was originally to bring her and two friends to the park, I felt I was being very accommodating by bringing a third friend and providing lunch for that friend. I wanted my step-daughter to know that the terms she agreed to were going to be upheld.

This did not go over well. She didn't understand why she had to pay me back for the extra ticket, if her friend had a ticket for free admission. I explained that the free ticket did me no good, since I had already purchased the package deal tickets as my step-daughter agreed to. I said it was unfortunate that things turned out the way they did, and that she might have communicated better with her friend, and with me, and could have avoided the issue. However, since I paid for the tickets and she agreed that I would be paid back for one of the tickets, that was the arrangement we would stick to.

Enter the Momster. My step-daughter texted her bio mom about how awful I was being and how I was being unfair and mean and ruining her birthday. Momster told her I was horrible and mean and ruining her birthday, and together they decided my step-daughter wasn't responsible for paying me back for the ticket. Nobody consulted me about this decision, it was just decided between the two of them. My husband told me I shouldn't address it with my step-daughter because it would only upset her. Sometimes I wonder if the three of them are trying to see how far they can push before I need medication...

We left our house early the morning of her party, and my step-daughter asked if we could stop at her bio mom's house because she forgot her money there, and wanted to bring along some cash for spending. My husband said he would lend her money so we didn't have to stop and bother the momster. For the record, my step-daughter paid my husband back within a week.

Two months after the party, I reminded my step-daughter that she still owed me for the cost of the ticket. She immediately became upset and defensive and told me she didn't have to pay me back. Then, she said that she paid her dad for the ticket already, when she gave him $20 after she got home. Nice try, but I recalled that the money she repaid to her dad was spending money he lent her when she left her cash at the momster's house. I reminded her of our agreement, and told her that even though things didn't turn out as she wanted them to (like I forgot she owed me money), she still had an arrangement with me and she needed to honor that.

Four months later, I have yet to be repaid. Again, it's not about the money, it's about her being accountable. Any ideas? I thought about taking part of the money she's sure to get for Christmas this year, but I just don't know if that's fair.

I think I'm going to give myself a nice tropical vacation for her sweet 16 birthday in two years. I don't think I can handle planning another party for this girl.

Party Hardly

2010-12-14T10:12:00.004-06:00

Shortly after my July 21st post, things started to get complicated. Due to an unreasonable demand by the "momster", my husband and I are expected to host a birthday party for each of my three step-kids every other year. We are not allowed to throw a party on a yearly basis, nor are we to "skip" a year when it's our turn to plan and host the party. I think it's weird, but she claims she doesn't need to explain herself to us; we are supposed to simply smile and nod and go along with what she says.

Two years ago, for my step-daughter's golden birthday, I went all out. I am a planner by nature, and I came up with (what I thought was) the perfect party and surprise for a girl starting Junior High. Without my step-daughter's knowledge, I arranged for a limo to pick her and her friends up after school, where they would cruise around town for a bit, and then head to a "Hollywood style" photo shoot. My best gal pal is an amazing photographer, and offered her services for a couple hours so we could treat the girls to a photo shoot. The limo was to be stocked with sparkling juice (a.k.a. "kid champagne"), feather boas, and starlet sunglasses. It was something I was sure my step-daughter would love!

One catch; I couldn't tell her much about her party. I asked her to provide me a list of her most outgoing friends, and told her I would handle the rest. This did not go over well. She wanted to know what I was planning and the situation immediately turned stressful. I assured her I was planning a fun time for her and her friends, and reminded her that I knew her likes/dislikes, but that it was going to have to be a surprise. I desperately wanted to capture the look on her face when she walked out of school to find the limo waiting.

Anyway, it wasn't going to happen as I planned. The momster got involved and I ended up telling my step-daughter what the plan was, but asked her to keep it a secret from her friends so they could be surprised. Problem solved. Except, the momster planted a seed in my step-daughter's head that perhaps she'd be made fun of for having a limo pick her up. Maybe instead of kids thinking she was cool, they'd think she was nerdy. I received word that my step-daughter no longer wanted this party and instead she'd rather have a "normal" party with her friends. This, of course, was after I'd paid for the limo and made all the arrangements for the photo shoot. Shoot, indeed.

Big brother (my 15-year-old step-son) saved the day. He talked to my step-daughter and told her that in no way would anyone think it was nerdy to have a limo pick her up at school. In fact, some kids would be jealous, but most people would think it was really cool. Problem solved. Party back on. Whew!

Then I learned that the momster ordered the birthday cake for me. How NICE! By ordered, I mean simply "ordered". Not paid for. I received an email stating my step-daughter told the momster what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday, and that the momster talked to her friend who makes cakes, and the cake was on order. The friend would be contacting me to give me the cost and collect payment. Needless to say, I was not at all pleased with this arrangement. It would have irritated me if someone I liked had intervened in this manner, but to have the momster step in like this was most unwelcome. Not to mention, my step-daughter does not like cake. She usually asks for jello with whipped topping as her birthday cake. To keep the peace, I paid for and collected the cake. As a side note, I learned a few weeks ago that for the momster's 5-year-old's birthday, the "friend who makes cakes" didn't make the birthday cake. Instead, the cake came from a local grocery store. I wonder why the cake-making friend didn't make the little girl's cake... my guess is that a $50 kids' birthday cake that feeds eight is a bit too expensive for most people.

What started out as a thoughtful, expensive (even before the cake) plan for my step-daughter, turned into a situation involving tears and tantrums and hurt feelings - and that was just me. Although the party was a lot of fun, and the pictures turned out great, and - for the record - nobody at school teased her about the limo, I swore that the next birthday party would involve minimal planning on my part.

UNTIL... (to be continued)

2010 Christmas Card

2010-12-09T16:18:00.001-06:00

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An Update

2010-12-02T18:32:00.002-06:00

WOW - time flies! I took a break this summer to regroup and the next thing I know, it's December! I'll be catching up on my blogging in the coming weeks, and will fill in the gaps on what's been going on here in stepped-on-mom-land.

Our Weekend Away

2010-07-21T20:17:00.003-05:00

The weekend we spent at our friends' cabin was fantastic; very relaxing and fun! It was just what I needed, since I came home to a pile of work so high that I've yet to dig out from under it. Throughout our weekend away, my step-daughter - although not entirely pleasant to be around - was less of a problem than I feared. She brought along a friend who I absolutely adore (polite, helpful, outgoing, cheerful...) which seemed to prevent the horrible attitude I expected.

While I spent the weekend catching some sunshine and floating around the lake on an inflatable raft with my fantastic gal pal, our husbands took the kids around the lake behind the boat - tubing, water skiing, wake boarding and wake surfing. The guys and our kids had their share of thrill-seeking, and us ladies had our share or calm and relaxation. All-in-all, a perfect weekend!

That's not to say my step-daughter was perfect. She seemed to forget some basic skills I've tried hard to teach her - clean up after yourself, ask your host/hostess if you can be of any help, no wet towels on the carpeted floor, etc... Maybe she thought she was at a hotel and the maid/housekeeper would come by soon to tidy up behind her (believe me, I would not want to be a housekeeper at any hotel where she's staying!), but she certainly wasn't concerned about being a good guest. More than once, my step-daughter's friend asked if there was anything she could help with, although it didn't do much as far as encouraging my step-daughter to help out.

Not only was she extra lazy, but she was also a bit of a bad friend. Several times throughout the weekend, her friend was hanging out with my everyone but my step-daughter. I felt bad for her, but she is definitely a go-with-the-flow type of gal, and was having fun no matter what she was doing. I'm very glad my step-daughter chose wisely when deciding who to bring. It's hard to watch her be one of those "mean girls" to her friends, but I guess we all put up with people like that in Jr. High and High School, and eventually figured out that bad friends are not worth having.

With regard to the issues we've had over the past couple months with my daughter not wanting to be with my husband and I in our home, she seems to be in a bit of a "lull". We'll see how long it lasts (my guess is until the next time we need to enforce our household rules). Of course, since I've been working long hours since our vacation, I may be missing out on all her mood swings. If that's the case, I can't complain too much about the pile of work I'm facing.

Outside of work, things on the step-mom front have been pretty calm lately. I'm starting to see that it's definitely and ebb and flow type of lifestyle. I'm planning on taking full advantage of this quiet period to spend a fun weekend with my husband for his birthday - can't wait for some time with him!

Freedom

2010-06-29T08:12:00.005-05:00

With this being "Independence Week" and all, freedom has been a topic of much debate and conversation in our home. My 13-year-old step-daughter feels we do not allow her enough freedom and claims that her biological mom (the "momster") allows her much more leeway during her custodial weeks.

While at our home on an every-other-week basis, my step-kids (ages 16, 13, and 11) are responsible for the following:

Bringing their dirty laundry from their upstairs bedrooms to our main floor laundry room and placing them in the correct hamper (whites, darks, or colors)
Collecting the clean laundry that their dad sorts and folds and hangs, and putting it away in their drawers or closets
Bringing their dirty dishes from the dining room to the dishwasher, and scraping leftover food into the compost bin
Occasionally empty the dishwasher. I'd say that my husband and I do this about 90% of the time; the kids do the rest
On a three week rotation, cleaning the bathroom that the three of them share. This means that every six calendar weeks they each have to clean up their own mess in the bathroom, as well as the mess left by their siblings.
Maintain a somewhat clean bedroom. We do expect the kids to not place wet towels on their bedroom carpets or leave food/beverages open in their rooms (to keep funky smells away).

That's it. Simple tasks that I feel are the basic minimum a person can do to keep their environment livable. My step-daughter; however, feels that this is asking too much. The momster has a cleaning service clean her home on a regular basis so the kids don't really have to do much of anything at her house. Hmmmm - I'd like to have a cleaning service, too, but we're already paying for the one at the momster's house, so we can't afford one of our own ;)

The past few weeks have been a struggle with my step-daughter. For some reason, although she has the utmost freedom to come and go (as long as she lets us know where she'll be), she feels that we're being too strict and mean. I honestly don't have a clue what she's referring to. The momster won't let her have a faceb*ok account (we allow it), the momster won't let her ride her bike farther than a couple of miles (we allow it), the momster won't let her stay home alone (we've allowed it for years), the momster won't let her attend high school sports activities (we allow it), and the momster won't let her wear a two-piece swimsuit (we allow it).

When I think about the things she's allowed to do at the momster's house but not here, I cannot think of anything except being totally lazy and not having to lift a finger and do any chores whatsoever. Which, by the way, I don't agree with at all. I think we're being a bit too lenient the way things currently are - the kids should be expected to help out around the house with chores like dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, etc...

Last night, my husband asked my step-daughter what rights she feels her biological mom offers her that we don't offer. She had nothing to say - not one example. So I have no idea what the issue is. She maintains that she doesn't like being here because we're mean, and that her mom is so much nicer than we are. All I can think is that she has a different mom than the one I've known for years - she certainly isn't talking about the momster.

To make matters worse, we've been invited to spend this weekend with another family at their cabin. The other couple has two daughters (ages 10 and 8) and my step-daughter is adamant that she will not hang out with kids all weekend. I have a feeling if we end up bringing her with us, she will make everyone's weekend miserable. Although we've had this trip to the cabin planned for over two months, she made plans last week to spend this upcoming weekend with a friend and her friend's family.

Part of me wants to let her go with her friend, but another part wants to make her come with us. We planned this as a family - we were invited and accepted an invitation from our friends - and for almost all of the other weekends during the year, my step-daughter is free to do what she wants and hang out with her friends when/where she wants. This is a family weekend and it's important that we don't set a precedence to let her know that when she throws a fit (literally bawling and yelling and acting like a two-year-old last night) she will get her way.

I'll be sure to let you know what we figure out. I have a feeling that I'll be needing a cold beverage and a day on the lake soon!!

Profanity Insanity

2010-06-28T20:22:00.005-05:00

Today marks the start of another step-mom week for me. Last week, my husband was out of town for work and I had a "single gal" week. Not exactly my ideal situation, but I did enjoy certain aspects of it. Nobody to consider but me; can't complain about that!

My 13-year-old stepdaughter recently told us she would like to spend the entire summer living with her biological mom (who lives about 8 miles away from my husband and me), instead of spending every other week with us in our home. My husband told her this was not an option and that we are not going to alter custody arrangements. I agree with him; we are not going to change our schedule (and potentially increase child support payments - which are already substantial) just to please a teenager. And as we all know, you can't really please a teenager anyway.

For as long as I've known him, my husband has had a rule - cussing/swearing/inappropriate language is not appropriate or tolerated in our home. We do not use this language and we expect that his children follow suit. It's not that we feel they aren't mature enough or free enough to express themselves using such language; it's simply that both my husband and I feel that swear words demonstrate a lack of intelligence. Therefore, we have a rule: "If we say it, you can say it", and it's been strictly upheld.

...until this week.

My step-daughter is allowed to have a faceb*ok account at our home; something her biological mom does not allow any of her children to have. I don't agree with the bio-mom's prohibition of faceb*ok, but I do respect her wishes. However, during our custodial weeks, my husband and I allow his two oldest children (ages 16 and 13) to use faceb*ok as a way to socialize with their friends. There are a few rules:

Appropriate behavior/language is essential
No using this service after 10pm on school nights
Homework and chores must be finished before the child(ren) access faceb*ok
My husband and I must have access to everything the children do/say on their and their friends pages

That's it. Simple, straightforward rules (and nothing too outlandish or controlling, if you ask me). Since I use faceb*ok more frequently than my husband, I tend to be the parent monitor the my step-kids' use of this site to ensure they are being responsible and they deserve the permissions they've been granted.

Last week, my stepdaughter posted on a friend's faceb*ok thread, and for some reason (although I can't determine the reasoning from the context of everyone's messages), she decided to post "f*ck you" on faceb*ok. I saw this, and brought it to my husband's attention. I didn't handle it or address it beyond that, but I did want him to know that his rules were being disrespected.

Tonight, at the start of our custody week, my husband told my step-daughter that he was not pleased with what she wrote, and that it was very inappropriate for her to use that language. She instantly became defensive and argumentative. I stayed out of the conversation, but observed her becoming increasingly upset and argumentative.

The bottom line: she feels she's not given enough "freedom" here to express herself and use whatever language she sees fit, and her biological mom gives her that freedom. She wants to live with her mom so she can be free to act how she wants.

Keep in mind, this is the same biological mom who allowed no freedom for this teenager to even access faceb*ok; the same woman who won't let her 13-year-old daughter to attend high school sports/functions because she's not truly a "high schooler"... it is obvious to me that we're dealing with a girl who will always see the grass as greener on the other side.

What to do? Do we hold to our values and expect her to do the same? My husband is adamant that his daughter not be allowed to live full-time with her biological mother. I agree that she's making a purely emotional/hasty request. However, part of me wants to see her move in with her mom full-time. Knowing the biological mom as I do, I have a feeling this will backfire in a matter of weeks (if not days). I'd really be curious to see how that would play out.

We're scheduled to vacation with another family over this 4th of July weekend, and my step-daughter is incredibly upset that we're making her participate in this family event, when she's been invited to another friend's house to spend the weekend. I'm absolutely dreading her attitude and the horrible demeanor she's sure to bring with us on our pleasant weekend; not to mention how she could ruin the other family's vacation.

Please say a prayer she's on her best behavior - for everyone involved.

Schedule for the Summer

2010-06-17T12:35:00.003-05:00

It's been decided that my step-kids will be spending their summer days at their biological mom's house.

My 16-year-old and 11-year-old step-sons didn't have much of an opinion either way, so it was up to my 13-year-old step-daughter to decide where they'd spend their days. She chose their mom's house, so that will be the plan for all three kids. Their bio-mom (the "momster") lives about 8.5 miles from our home, so instead of having them bike to the momster's house every day, my husband said he'd keep their bikes locked up at his office, which is only about 3.5 miles from the momster's house. The kids can ride to work with my husband every morning and pick up their bikes, then bike the 3.5 miles to their mom's house. In the afternoons, they can bike back to his office and ride home with him.

It's actually easier/faster to have the kids bike to their mom's house from his office than it is for him to bring the kids there in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. The commute to the momster's house is horrible and takes around 30 minutes per trip, due to traffic and congestion.

The boys (who didn't have an opinion about where they spent their summers, and therefore deferred to their sister to make the decision), are a-ok with biking the 3.5 miles to their mom's house. My step-daughter is absolutely livid that we expect her to actually bike anywhere this summer. The moment the plan was determined, she called her mom and started crying and complaining about how horrible my husband (her dad) is for making her bike.

Biking a total of 7 miles a day every other week as a 13-year-old is not what I would consider to be cruel or unusual. In fact, when I was 13 years old, I willingly rode my bike upwards of 10 miles each day because I thought it was fun, and my bike was the key to my independence.

Nonetheless, my step-daughter feels differently. I think she will forever be one of those people with a victim mentality. Everything happens to her and nothing is ever her fault. She has been incapable of considering anybody but herself for as long as I've known her, and it's frustrating to see her become more and more vocal about her dissatisfaction with each and every part of her life.

She told my husband earlier this week that she'll just live at her mom's house all summer instead of having to bike back & forth to his office. She'd rather not see her dad for the summer than have to pedal a bike for a half hour every other week. Of course, she does not get to make the choice to live with one parent or the other. Believe me, if she could make that choice, she'd be flip-flopping between houses every other week, like she already does under the legal custody arrangement. Every time one of her parents did something that wasn't favorable, she'd pack up her stuff and move houses; that's just how she operates.

In any case, it's been settled. For the summer, the plan will continue as my husband laid out. The kids will bike from his office every morning, and will bike back to his office every afternoon. Of course, when it rains, he'll go out of his way to bring them to the momster's house and/or pick them up.

I'm glad this issue has been settled! We'll see what happens next summer - it's always an adventure.

Summer Vacation

2010-06-14T08:49:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I've written anything, and there hasn't been too much going on in my step-momming world lately.

School ended just over a week ago, and we're ready to start another summer. I'm not quite sure what our schedule will be like for the next few months. My oldest step-son (age 16) landed a job teaching swimming lessons and lifeguarding at a local pool. My 13-year-old step-daughter has hopes of sleeping in, sitting on her butt, and being as lazy as humanly possible until early September. And my 11-year-old step-son will be participating in a summer soccer program for the fourth summer in a row. Although his mom won't be bringing him, she will allow him to bike to/from practices and games during her custodial weeks. It's a 6-mile bike ride through town, but he's willing to do it, so it all worked out for him.

The big question for now is how the kids will be spending their days during our custody weeks this summer. I work from home full-time, which involves a lot phone calls/conference calls, and a heavy workload. Last summer, the kids chose to stay here during the day, and they were horribly bored. Without something constructive to occupy their time, they logged numerous hours playing video games, sitting on their butts, facebooking, and arguing with one another.

I don't want a repeat of last summer. It was difficult to have them here, making messes, begging to have friends over (although they knew I had to work, and had to have relative quiet during my office hours), and fighting. This summer, they have yet to decide what they will do during their days with us. Either they can be dropped off at their biological mom's house every day, where they have access to an outdoor pool and have friends nearby, or they can stay here and figure out something to occupy their time.

I have absolutely no say in what they do, which is frustrating. After all, it greatly affects my ability to work effectively from home. I can't handle doors slamming, shouting, screaming, singing at the tops of lungs, movies played at top volume, etc... Of course, I can continually remind them to keep the noise level to a minimum, but reminding soon becomes nagging, and then I'm the "bad guy" for ruining their fun.

Anyway, I will soon know how things will shake out. My fingers are crossed that if the kids choose to stay here every day, they are able to co-exist with me as well as with each other.

Here's hoping the next three months go smoothly!

Monday Madness

2010-05-24T10:16:00.004-05:00

My 11-year-old step-son is scheduled to start his summer soccer program tomorrow. This program has been his one and only activity for the past four years, and he is incredibly excited for this season. He spent last week in the yard doing drills and practicing ball handling and kicking goals. The kid loves soccer.

For the past three seasons, my step-kids biological mom (a.k.a "the momster") has refused to provide transportation to/from practices and games during her custodial weeks, saying her medical condition prevents her from driving, going outdoors, and committing to any sort of transportation for her children. She has M.S., and I know it can worsen or flare up if she's exposed to heat/humidity for extended periods of time.

However, for the past two years, the momster has been driving her two little kids from her current marriage (ages 5 and 3) to/from preschool three days a week and to/from swimming lessons three days a week, with no health issues arising from her duties.

For the past three seasons, my husband and I have spent two nights a week - both during our custody weeks and her custody weeks - at the soccer fields. Last summer got to be a bit much, as we had a lot of activities ourselves during our "non-kid" weeks.

This year, as we signed him up for soccer, an email was sent to the momster, letting her know we would not be to providing transportation during her custody weeks. I figured this was perfectly acceptable. My husband and I have gone above and beyond to make sure my step-son had rides to every soccer event for the past four years. Since she is obviously capable of driving her youngest children to/from activities, she can certainly do so for the children she and my husband have in common.

Wrong.

Dead wrong.

This morning (the day before my step-son's soccer season starts), she notified my husband via email that she has no ability to provide transportation for this year's soccer activities. She stated that we've done all the transportation for the previous years and it needs to remain that way if my step-son hopes to participate this year.

My husband emailed her back, and suggested she bring her son to soccer tonight and try to find a parent there who would be willing to provide transportation to subsequent soccer practices and games during the momster's custody weeks.

Her reply was that she was not about to go there tonight and beg a ride off some parent who she doesn't even know. She also stated that she doesn't know the layout of the soccer fields and hasn't had the luxury of learning how it all works over the past four years, so she will not be putting herself in this awkward position.

Um, EXCUSE ME!?!?! How could a parent be so obviously pathetic and selfish... in writing, nonetheless??

There are so many instances where her two youngest children (from her current marriage) receive special treatment, whereas my step-kids (the kids she and my husband have in common) are left to fend for themselves. She refuses to provide transportation for my three step-kids to any activities, and tells them their dad and I can pick them up if they want to go somewhere. Yet, she repeatedly tells my step-kids that husband and I are horrible people who make horrible parenting decisions. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Has anyone else encountered this type of situation with a biological mom who has children from a new relationship? It angers me that the momster is willing to make such distinction between the two "sets" of kids in her home. She's even gone so far as buying twice as many presents for her younger kids for birthdays and holidays, claiming that since they live with her full-time, they deserve more from her. The most messed-up part of it all is that my step-kids (ages 16, 13 and 11) accept it for what it is. They see nothing wrong with her reasoning and look to their dad and me to provide all the things she's unwilling to give them.

I just don't get it.

Gift Registration Demands

2010-05-18T20:03:00.009-05:00

While chatting online with my sister-in-law this afternoon, I told her how much I dislike the idea of wedding gift registration. Here's why:

Today, most people getting married have lived on their own (or with their partner/fiancee) prior to marriage. Therefore, they don't need household goods like toasters, blenders, etc... to start their new life together. The purpose of such a registry is to ensure the couple has all the necessary household appliances and furnishings to start anew, so gift registration applies to essentially nobody these days.

I've seen such ridiculous gift registrations over the years, it's laughable. Not too long ago, some acquaintances were obviously using their registry to outfit him for his upcoming hunting trip. And none of it was in my price range. I do not want to fund his trip into the woods, thank you very much - aren't I supposed to be buying a gift for the newlyweds?!

Another annoyance is the overpriced gift registry. A couple to whose wedding I was invited registered at some of the most expensive boutiques you could imagine. My budget would have netted them one silver spoon from their entire requested flatware collection. The nerve!!

Overall, I think the process is horrible. Couple walks into store. Couple picks up scanner. Couple spends a day saying "I WANT!!". End of story. How rude!

I've never been ok with someone telling me what to buy for them as my a present/gift to them. It's presumptuous and tacky to simply give your guests a list and say "Buy me something I've requested here. Wrap it and pretend like it was your idea. Oh, and I'll know I'm getting it before you've even written your name on the envelope because I check my gift registry status daily. Thanks."

Here's my take: If you know me well enough that you've invited me to witness your special day, chances are I have some idea of what to get you. If I can't think of something, I'll give you the wonderful gift of cash or a gift card. But let it come from me; let me figure out what to buy you from me. Please.

If I'm invited because I'm friends of the brides/groom's parents, I can certainly address a nice card and stick some cash inside. I don't need to wander all over main street trying to find the only gift in my price range that someone hasn't already checked off your list.

Oh, and there is one exception. If I'm not that great of a friend but you're inviting me because you figure I'll spend more on you than you will on me for the cost of dinner, think again. If there's an open bar, I'll be there. And you will lose in this equation. I'll even buy you a nice set of $10 hand towels from your registry if that's what it takes.

Gift registry is a joke. There. I've said my piece.

Round Two... and a Revelation

2010-05-04T21:25:00.004-05:00

For the second day in a row, my 13-year-old stepdaughter is displaying a horrible attitude. Tonight, her dad explained that unless she change her ways and display some courteous, respectful behavior over the next couple weeks, he will not sign the permission slip allowing her to participate in a school trip to a nearby amusement park. Her response was to tell him that if he won't sign it, then her mother (the bio-mom) would. Ah, the old "divorced kid" standby; the other parent. She gave absolutely no thought to telling her dad that his punishment was ineffective, which to me displays a major lack of respect.

To properly explain this, I should go back to when I first met my husband - nearly seven years ago. From the time he and I met, his former wife/the bio-mom has made many attempts to undermine and belittle him (and later, me). From name calling to explaining to the children that the rules in our house aren't "real rules" and telling the children that we are "stupid" and "liars" - all of these statements were volunteered by the children at different points throughout the years - she has really been on the offense since she and my husband separated. In fact, even though we have the children in our home fifty percent of the time, and are very much part of their lives, when the children are in her home they must address their step-dad as "Dad" and they must call their real dad (my husband) by his first name. This was done long before the bio-mom and her (now) husband were married, and it's something that bothers me on a daily basis.

It has always, always, been my husband's standpoint (which I adopted when we started dating) that we never ever badmouth or undermine the kids bio-mom. When they complain about something she's done or some rule she's set or some punishment they've received, it's been a standard response to remind them that she is their mom, she loves them, and she probably has a good reason for making the decisions she does. Believe me, there are times I nearly bite a hole in my tongue and I get a bit of indigestion from swallowing the hard truth (really, she makes some crazy decisions!). But... in the end, she is their mom, and we can't change or prevent anything she does, so why hurt the kids in the process?

In recent years, it's becoming much more obvious that she's "winning" this battle. I guess when the "enemy" is bombarding us with weapons of mass destruction, our "balloons of kindness" (for lack of a better term) are a bit silly and fluffy and ineffective.

Here on "our side" of the trenches, we are now viewed as weak, ineffective, poor decision makers who are incapable of real parenting. These teenagers (and pre-teen) have gradually decided that when they don't like what we say/do or deem appropriate in our home, they can simply ignore it (per the bio-mom's long-standing instructions).

Tonight, after my husband had a loooong discussion with my step-daughter about her attitude and how she needs to work on kindness, he came downstairs looking plainly defeated and heavy-hearted. "Am I a bad parent?" he asked. I know for a fact that he is an amazing parent, capable of kindness and patience and consideration beyond anything I can ever hope to possess. Regardless, I knew what he was getting at, and I offered him this analogy:

Suppose you worked in a small office; it was you and four coworkers. Your four coworkers are John, Jane, Bob, and Betty. Every day you go to work, John and Jane tell you how utterly stupid Bob and Betty are; Bob and Betty are worthless employees who can't be trusted with even the most simple of projects. They are - in a sense - morons. Conversely, every day Bob and Betty tell you how wonderful John and Jane are; how they handle things appropriately and efficiently. Even when you tell them that John and Jane are always badmouthing and undermining them, they reply that they like John and Jane and respect them as fellow employees of the company.

Which coworkers would you respect? All conversations and accolades are obviously in John and Jane's favor. Bob and Betty don't stand a chance.

I'm beginning to feel this is something we will never ever overcome. Perhaps it's too late - HELP!!!

Sincerely,

Betty

New to This

2010-05-03T19:44:00.004-05:00

Today marks the start of another "kid week" for my husband and me. My 11-year-old step-son got off the bus from school at just before 3:00 this afternoon, and my husband picked my 13-year-old step-daughter and 16-year-old step-son up from track practice at about 5:30 today.

The minute they walked in the door, I got "the look" from my step-daughter. She walked upstairs to her bedroom without a word, and shut her door. I was in the middle of making dinner, so I just finished with our meal and had her younger brother knock on her door to let her know dinner was ready.

I should have set another place for her attitude. SHEESH, I don't know what got into her today (or this past week), but SHE. IS. CRABBY. She came into the kitchen, took one look at what I was preparing (a new meal for my step-kids, though I've cooked it several times for my husband and myself) and turned her nose up. I asked what was wrong, and she said "I don't like that", referring to what I made for dinner. I explained that it was something new for her and her brothers, and that she had no way of knowing if she liked it or not. She then explained (or should I say "huffed"?) that I "did too" make that dish and that she was "absolutely certain" she'd had it before and she "didn't like it".

If she'd communicated this as a normal, non alien-possessed person, I would have been ok with it. Today her body language, vocal tone, and choice of words all communicated very clearly that SHE. IS. CRABBY.

I understand she's a teenage girl and she's hormonal and emotional, but I truly don't know how to handle these situations yet. As a female, I know what it's like to be crabby, but I just can't deal with the disrespect that goes along with her attitude. After trying to chat with her for a minute, it was clear to me that she just wanted to be rude, so I asked her to please go back up to her bedroom and "try again". I told her to come back down and try to be nice when she greets her family.

She has two opposite personalities, and not much of a range in between. One day she is bubbly, delightful, and a true joy to be around; the next, she is rude, snide, spiteful and a real pain. One day she is talkative and won't let anyone get a word in edgewise, and the next day she barely says a word, even when I ask her a direct question. What gives?

Tonight, I asked her very directly why she was acting the way she was, and I questioned whether she'd had a bad day and wanted to talk about it. She said in a very monotone voice that she "didn't think she was acting any differently" and that "nothing" was wrong.

So I let it go. I do have to say, though, that as a female I tend to let these things get to me. It absolutely sets me on edge.

I take great comfort in knowing this is not a step-mom issue. It's a teenage-girl-in-the-house issue. My husband and I are both dealing with this as new parents, and it's nice to have his company.

Can I please just fast-forward through the next five years until she's a lady? PLEASE???

Double Standard of Living

2010-04-19T17:36:00.004-05:00

After a blissful week with my husband (while my step-kids were at their mom's house), Monday reared its ugly head today - the start of a new "kid week" for us.

I think this transition is not only hard on me, but the kids as well. They are switching gears and re-setting their lifestyle every other week, as are my husband and I. I love having them around and I truly enjoy them, but that's not to say things can't get a bit frustrating or complicated from time to time.

Last week, as the kids went to school on Monday morning, it occurred to me that they were scheduled for dentist appointments today. Knowing that I wouldn't see them until after school today, I needed to communicate their appointment information to their mom so she could let them know the plan. At 4pm today, all three kids were to be at the dentist office for their 6 month cleaning/exams. My oldest two step kids are involved in track this spring, and both had practice after school. But... as any parent knows, getting after-school appointments for three kids can be a bit of a scheduling nightmare.

Appointments during school are out of the question for a few reasons, namely that my husband and I both work full-time jobs and it's not feasible for us to just take off for a few hours mid-day to bring the kids to their appointments. Especially when the kids' mom doesn't work and has ample time to do this.

Also, my husband and I are hesitant to allow the kids biological mom to bring them to appointments because the cost of treatment is no object to her. My husband and I are responsible for 100% of the premiums and 89% of everything insurance doesn't cover. I have a feeling all three kids would be in orthodontia if their mom brought them to even one appointment.

So back to last Monday, when I sent a very brief email asking the kids' mom to notify them of their dentist appointments that were taking place today, and reminding the kids to let their track coaches know about the appointment - so they wouldn't get in trouble for missing practice. I finally heard back from the bio-mom on Friday evening and she said simply "I'll let them know". I have no idea why it took her four days to respond, but at least I know my message was received and the kids were aware of the appointments.

This morning at about 8am, I received another email from the bio-mom, stating that my 16-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter did not want to go to their dentist appointments, and would instead be attending track practice. She suggested I reschedule for a time that's more convenient to the children, perhaps during school hours or maybe wait until summer vacation to schedule them. My 11-year-old stepson, however, was "looking forward to" his appointment and would like to see the dentist today, as we'd planned all along.

So much for waiting until 4pm for "kid week chaos" to begin...

Overall, today has been frustrating. The point of my email last Monday was to ensure the kids had ample time to prepare for missing track practice and to make sure the appointments could be confirmed with the dentist office the day before they took place. In one email, bio-mom negated my efforts of scheduling, arranging and communicating.

I responded with a very kind message, letting her know that unfortunately the children do not have a choice with regard to these appointments, and asked her to please communicate that they need to be at the dentist's office at 4pm as we'd previously planned and as we confirmed with the office last Friday.

In the end, my 11-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter attended their appointments. My 16-year-old step-son declined to attend his appointment (having been given the "ok" by his mom to not go), and instead he went to track.

I will not be rescheduling his appointment. He can wait until next fall when his siblings go again for their 6-month checkup. I know it's unlikely he will die or suffer long-term effects from missing one checkup; that's not what frustrates me. What does frustrate me is that through my entire relationship with my husband and his kids, there have been double standards enforced by the bio-mom. She actually believes there should be (and tries her best to enforce) one set of rules for my husband and myself, while she adheres to a completely different set of standards.

I'm not yet sure how to deal with this issue. It's not the first time I've experienced something like this from the bio-mom, and I'm certain it won't be the last. She is the most inconsistent person I've ever come across, and she has a justification for everything she does, no matter how irrational or inconsistent it might be.

Just like me. Right now. Justifying my frustration. Huh, maybe she and I aren't all that different after all.

Parents Night Out a Possible Cause of IQ Drop in Children

2010-04-09T14:02:00.007-05:00

I wouldn't have believed there was a direct correlation between a kid/teenager's IQ and the presence of his/her parents. However, I found this today, after my husband and I had a night out and the kids dined on delivery pizza:

Note: In our home, we emphasize eating healthy and getting proper nutrition. I'd estimate about 90 percent of our dinners are made from scratch, using fresh ingredients and fresh produce. My step-children usually have a glass of juice (no sugar added) with dinner, as my husband and I typically have a glass of red wine with most dinners. On a very very rare occasion, we will buy soda (or "pop" as my MN friends call it) and the kids can have a can/glass.

I picked up a few cans of the soda shown above when they were on sale at our local grocery store. My husband told the kids they could each have a can with their delivery pizza (another rare occurrence in our home).

There are a handful of meal rules we follow, no matter what. One of them is that there is never, ever (did I mention ever?) food or beverages allowed outside of our kitchen/dining area. There are a few reasons for this, but it all boils down to the fact that food belongs at the table; we do not sit in front of the TV watching shows while we have dinner. Also, for reasons that escape me, my step-children are unable to deliver food to their mouths without dropping a ton of it on the floor - this WITH a table under their chins. I'm afraid of what even one living room meal would do to our carpeting.

Anyway, to wake up this morning and see the empty soda can sitting on the oak ledge in our living room - without a coaster - convinced me that, in fact, there was a significant IQ deficit here last night.

My step-kids are very aware of the following:

No food or beverage allowed in the living room
On occasions when we have company, we use coasters when beverages are brought into the living room.
If you fail to follow rule #1 - and subsequently rule #2 - above, maybe - just maybe - it would be smart to REMOVE THE EVIDENCE!

Some things will never make sense to me.

Oh well, it was totally worth it to have a mid-week date night with just my husband and me. We saw a show/concert and had a great time. I guess we'll deal with the sweat rings on our oak ledges after the kids move out.

Awkwardness

2010-03-24T22:13:00.004-05:00

As a step-mom, uncomfortable situations go with the territory. There are times I'm just plain unsure how to handle them.

In the early days of my relationship with my (now) husband, I was eager to get to know his former wife. After all, she couldn't be too bad of a person if he'd loved her and remained with her for nearly fifteen years, right? So, I dove in. Whenever I would see her, I would attempt to engage her in conversation. I love people; it doesn't matter who it is, most everyone has an interesting life story and I love to hear 'em all. So I tried to get to know her better at every opportunity.

It became increasingly obvious that she really wasn't interested in getting to know me. I didn't take it personally, but I was a bit saddened for her children that she didn't seem to care who I was or what I was about. I was spending so much time with her kids and she didn't seem concerned about who I was or what kind of influence I was on them.

Over the course of my relationship with my husband and his kids, I've had my fair share of trials and head-scratchers where the bio-mom/ex-wife was concerned. She's certainly a unique person and is as unpredictable as the weather. Regardless, it's really not my place to judge her or - at this point - regard her as anything more than my step-kids mom. She's just not my kind of people, if you know what I mean. Even if we didn't have all this "stuff" between us, I doubt very much we'd be friends who'd chat on the phone or go out for coffee.

There are times when mutual acquaintances (usually other parents) approach me and tell me how "weird" or "mean" or "odd" my step-kids biological mom is. No matter who it is approaching me, it always makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I know she's "weird". I know she's "mean". I'm painfully aware how "odd" she is. But it doesn't make me feel good to talk bad about her with other people. It certainly doesn't help anything, and I'm sure it only makes me seem catty and a bit "weird", "mean", and/or "odd" myself. There's just no winning in this situation; either I defend her or I agree with the statements made by others.

On the flip-side, there are some days when the bio-mom has done something so irrational or selfish or mean that I'm practically begging for someone to walk up to me and start a conversation that revolves entirely around how much she sucks. It never happens when I want it to.

For those of you in my position (or even those of you in the bio-mom position), has anyone found a way to combat this awkwardness? Short of moving out of our small-ish city, I'm out of ideas. Is there a tactful response I can use in these situations?

...And They're Back!

2010-03-20T15:16:00.005-05:00

We returned from our Cancun vacation late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. Although we all had a great time, we were ready to come home. My clothes were starting to fit tighter at the belly, and my liver was screaming for its own vacation; there's only so many fruity drinks ones liver can withstand.

All-in-all, the vacation was a success, and I'm glad we decided to take a trip with the kids. We spent a majority of our time at the resort - swimming in the ocean, drinking, lounging by the pool, eating, watching the entertainment/shows, drinking, eating... Did I mention we did a lot of eating and drinking?!?

We reserved two hotel rooms for our vacation; one for my husband and me, and one for his three kids (step-son age 16, step-daughter age 13 and step-son age 11). My step-daughter was none too pleased at the prospect of sharing a room with her brothers for a week, but she was even less pleased at the prospect of staying home in order to have her very own room at her mom's house. So... with no small amount of complaining, she decided to grace us with her presence. Lucky us.

Throughout the week, she made sure to tell us at every opportunity how unhappy she was with the sleeping arrangements. I was determined to ignore her complaining, and would often just break out into song whenever she started to whine. Trolololololololo....

My step-daughter is quite possibly the messiest/sloppiest person I've ever encountered. The state of her bedroom at her dad's and my house is a constant point of contention between us; she feels it's "her room" and she can therefore keep it in whatever state she would like. I (and often her dad) feel that she'll be forever sloppy if we don't help her change this soon. So far, she's won out and her room is a huge disaster at all times. On vacation, however; she took advantage of the room-sharing situation as a way to boss her brothers around. At one point, I actually heard her say, "There is a place for your shoes to be put away, and you need to put them in the appropriate place; this room is a disaster". Now, I'm all for her being neat and orderly and wanting her room to be clean - but COME ON! This is the same girl who leaves a trail of clothes and school items each and every day she walks through our door after school. Not only that, but I walked into the kids' hotel bathroom immediately after she delivered her cleanliness lecture, only to find HER clothes piled three feet tall under the bathroom vanity.

I think it bothers me so much because the kids' mom often delivers double-standard messages to my husband and myself, and I do not want my step-daughter to turn out like that.

Regardless, we were on vacation and I just wanted to hit the pool and read a good book. So I kept my comments to a brief "Wow, would you mind if I went to get my camera and got that statement on video?", to which I received the glare of all glares. No worries, though... it's nothing seventeen Strawberry Daiquiris couldn't fix for me. KIDDING, only kidding! It was only thirteen.

Really, it was a wonderful time. We managed to squeeze in a zip line adventure - something we all really enjoyed, and we swallowed enough saltwater to last until our next visit to the ocean. I'm very glad we went on this vacation as a family. We made memories that will last a lifetime, and as a step-parent who missed out on the early years of these kids' lives, I am glad to have these types of experiences that they can look fondly upon as they age.

...And They're Off!

2010-03-06T09:42:00.005-06:00

As a single gal, I loved nothing more than a good vacation. Sandy beaches, palm trees, fruity cocktails, and a good book were the keys to happiness. Since marrying my husband (and his three kids), vacations are fewer and farther between.

My husband is from a different state about sixteen hours away by car. Most of my "vacations" now involve the five of us driving cross-country to visit relatives. Not that I mind this - his family is wonderful and I really enjoy spending time with them. The down-side is that my frequent tropical vacations have gone to the wayside in favor of the dreaded road trip.

Three kids in the backseat of the car spells all sorts of fun: "Name That Smell" is at the top of the list, followed closely by "Stay in YOUR Space" and "Who Drools Most While Sleeping". Good times...

This year, though, I convinced my dear husband that I am desperately in need of a tropical vacation. After countless hours of research on locations and prices and packages, I found an incredible deal for the family; an eight-day/seven-night all-inclusive stay in sunny Cancun Mexico. This is truly the only way I can imagine traveling with my step-kids; having pay for restaurant meals for three (pre)teens is not my idea of great money management.

My husband is not necessarily excited about this trip (his idea of a vacation is an "adventure" - snowboarding, climbing, rafting). He does understand that sometimes I need to have a "win", so we compromised. I get my sunny vacation... but we bring the children, and include them in the experience. Not that I am against them coming along; but it does change the budget for our vacation.

As of Monday morning, the five of us will be headed out to Cancun for a week of relaxation. I have a stack of books, my iPhone is loaded with movies, and I couldn't be more excited for a vacation!!

Adios!

"Where's My...!"

2010-03-05T09:38:00.004-06:00

That's what I constantly find myself saying: "Where's my (fill in the blank)?!?!"

Ever since moving in with my husband and his children, over three years ago, I started to "lose" things. I'm used to having a stash of my favorite goodies to nosh on when the urge hits me. The urge, I'll admit, is a daily occurrence (sometimes several times a day), and I enjoy having a collection of sweets and treats to choose from. My weakness is chocolate, but in a pinch I'll settle for most anything sweet. Except for those weird Asian candies; have you ever tried those things?!?! BLECH!

Anyway, earlier this week, I went a-huntin' for some Hershey Kisses that I knew were in our pantry. My husband was out of town for work, which meant I got to raid the stash guilt-free and load up on sugar without him being there to remind me of the likelihood I'd end up diabetic... blah, blah, blah. So... I went to the pantry and *GASP* - no chocolate! Hmmm... maybe I'd eaten it all the night before during a sleep-walking quest for sugar. I'm not prone to sleep-walking, but maybe I'd done it...

So I decided to grab a few Twizzlers that were left over from a recent road trip. The bag of Twizzlers was there... but there were NO TWIZZLERS left in it. How is this possible?!?! I would never leave an empty bag/box/carton/container in the pantry. Throwing the empty bag is my means of getting rid of the evidence that I've eaten an entire bag of (insert diabetes-invoking sweet here). In desperation, I grabbed for the gummy bears (also a left-over from the road trip). Again... empty bag. Well, truthfully, the culprit left three or four gummies in the bag, perhaps thinking I wouldn't notice that the other two hundred went missing.

Angry - and with very low blood sugar - I sat on the kitchen floor and stewed. Those rascals ate my ENTIRE stash of sweets.

It's now a few days after the incident, and I'm still a bit ticked off. I know having kids means sacrifice. But I didn't know I'd have to share my candy!!!

Ok, ok, I think I'll live. But the thing that actually does bother me is that someone thought they could just take without asking. That is no ok with me; it never will be. Whether it's stealing money or clothes or personal items or - in this case - my prized candy stash, it's all the same to me; it's all done with the same intent. So how do we (my husband and I) teach this lesson?

I refuse to lock up my candy; in a critical situation, I don't have time to look for the keys!

Where's my sanity?!?!

The Rules... Today

2010-02-19T10:39:00.005-06:00

After being reminded of my rights last week, I was emailed by the bio-mom this week with questions about my step-daughter's eye doctor appointment. So apparently, I am an appropriate person with whom she can discuss such matters... this week.

What I wish for is consistency on her part. Why is she unable to decide on our level of communication and leave it at that? I am tired of guessing whether or not it's appropriate for me to communicate certain information, but I think I may have found a pattern:

Monday = I'm ok to discuss school issues, clothing purchases and lunch accounts
Tuesday = no communication allowed; it is not appropriate for me to discuss anything regarding the children
Wednesday = I'm ok to discuss only via email, and only regarding clothing purchases
Thursday = I'm allowed to transport the children or their items
Friday = no communication allowed; it's not appropriate for me to discuss anything regarding the children
Saturday = I can send emails regarding the children, but they will not be replied to until early next week. At that time, the level of response depends on the date of the response - not the date the communication was initially sent
Sunday = lottery day; depending on what the bio-mom's week has been like, I may or may not be an appropriate communicator of any information regarding the children

That pretty much sums it up. Ok, ok... maybe it's a bit sarcastic, but it does seem like the bio-mom's feelings regarding the level of communication she has with me are truly this random and ridiculous.

It's kind of a fun game. Kind of. Unfortunately, I've lost the rules and I'm playing with a 5-year-old who is deciding on the rules with each shake of the dice. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head.

Happy Friday!

Being "Reminded" of my Rights

2010-02-11T11:54:00.003-06:00

I am so tired of the kids' bio-mom "reminding" me in a very unfriendly way that I have no say about anything having to do with my step-kids.

I cannot encourage or discourage them from participating in activities

I cannot tell them we do not have a budget to pay for every activity they would like to be in

I cannot communicate to the bio-mom that there are fees we've paid, requiring reimbursement

I cannot speak with teachers

I cannot contact the school for any reason

I cannot access the kids' lunch account information to check the balances

I cannot... I cannot... I cannot...

How much TIME does this women have, to be able to govern not only her own household, but mine as well?!?!

Within my home, and within my "family" (my husband, and my three step-kids), I am the keeper of the schedule, the planner of the budget, the doer of the dishes, the cleaner of the floors, the... well, you get the idea.

So to be "reminded" again and again that while I do these things, I shouldn't; and while I do a darned good job at it, it's unappreciated and downright unwelcome, I get frustrated. Not only do I work hard at all of these things, but now I have to defend my labors? Some people have nerve. Or maybe I should say some people have no shame.

After all, I am the one making sure school information is communicated to the bio-mom (conferences, field trips, etc...). If not for me, she might not have that information. I am the one who reminds my husband to put money in the kids' lunch accounts. I am the one who remembers the Jr. High choir concerts come with a requirement for black pants and white shirts. Yet every few months, I'm "reminded" that it is completely inappropriate for me to be doing these things.

Part of me is eternally grateful that my husband's first wife is not normal (or even human), because if she were, they might still be married. So I guess I get what I get, and her craziness and unrealistic expectations come with the territory. I guess that's mainly why I blog. Because even though I "asked for it", sometimes it gets to be too much crazy for me to contain in my head, and I just have to let it all out.

So I do my best to remain the "silent partner" in my marriage. Of course, I'll never stop discussing issues with my husband (poor guy is always stuck in the middle; it's like he juggling two wives sometimes) and voicing my opinion when it comes to how things are handled within my home. I'll keep plugging along, until the next "reminder" shows up, and I'll have to - yet again - justify in writing why I do what I do.

"GO DIE IN A FREAKING HOLE."

2010-01-17T13:47:00.004-06:00

That's what my dear, sweet, 13-year-old stepdaughter posted on her facebook page last night. Who, you might ask, is she wanting to die in this hole? That would be me. Why might she want me to die in this hole? That would be because I let out an exasperated sigh in response to her refusal to take responsibility for her hair straightener being left on for a solid three days. Last night, she asked which of her brothers had plugged in her hair straightener. Of course, neither of them had used it/plugged it in, and as such, she was the one who must have left it on. However, when her dad and I pointed out that she must have been the one who left it on, my stepdaughter became upset and defensive, accusing her dad or I of turning it on. Surely she couldn't be at fault. After a few minutes of her and her dad discussing the the logic of who must have left her straightener turned on (and her denying responsibility), I let out an exasperated "argh" sigh, knowing I was not at liberty (as I've been told before) to express any criticism of her actions/words.

No sooner had she gone to her room, upset about the fact that we would even insinuate she was to blame for the straightener being left on, than "GO DIE IN A FREAKING HOLE." was her new facebook status. I assumed she was aiming this one at her dad, but I was dead wrong (pun intended). After her dad spent some time speaking to my stepdaughter in her bedroom about this statement and how inappropriate it was, he called me to her room and told me that her facebook comment was not directed at him, it was directed at me.

I truly didn't know how to respond. My stepdaughter explained that she was responding to the sigh I let out, and then she gave me the (forced by dad) "I'm sorry". Regret was obviously not how she felt, and she was just going along with what her dad told her to say as a way to avoid any further discussion on the matter.

What to do? For the past year or so, I have tried my best to mind my own business and not get involved in their lives. Since I was last cited for asking one of them to "pick up your napkin" from the dinner table as we were clearing the table, and told that I have no place making those sorts of demands, I have basically disconnected from that part of my step-parenting activities. I no longer ask about homework, school activities, etc... I do what I can keep things going smoothly for my husband behind the scenes (checking the school websites for information regarding class trips, conferences, projects, and the like), but I do not inform or involve the children in my activities.

Anyway, back to last night and my stepdaughter's request that I die in a hole...

What could I possibly respond with. I've been neutered with regard to any sort of parenting activity, since I have never been allowed to be an "adult" in their lives. I've been told to be their friend/confidant, but to not discipline or coach on a parenting level. So, now I have this kid who is allowed to say these things to me as she pleases, and who sees me as the easy target.

Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm on a countdown to the days when the kids no longer live with us? Is it wrong of me to feel like an outsider in my own home? Is it wrong that there are days I feel like I can't (or shouldn't have to) deal with these issues and just want to leave and come back in five years or so? 'Cause honestly, that's how I feel. I'm not sure how to change it, and I understand that my character is defined by how I deal with these types of situations. I guess I'll just take it, and know that I'll only be the "bad guy" for a few more years. I don't think there is anything I can ever do that they will view as acceptable.

One day at a time... unless, of course, that "deadly hole" should come my way ;o)

ARGH (written in the form of an exasperated sigh)

Lessons in Life

2010-01-03T13:16:00.006-06:00

Have you ever encountered someone who is unable to admit when they are wrong? To me, it's one of the most frustrating experiences; when someone refuses to take responsibility for their actions.

My 13-year-old stepdaughter is absolutely unable to admit she's made a mistake or error. She refuses to say the words "I am wrong" or "I made a mistake" or "It was my fault". Even when all the evidence points directly to her, she still is unwilling to step up and take the responsibility.

Case in point: last night at dinner, I noticed she was wearing a pair of my sock. Not a big deal, but I said "hey - you have my socks on". Her response was, "Well they were in my drawer". To which I replied, "Well your dad and I did not put them in your drawer, you are in charge of putting your own clothes away". Her rebuttal was "They were in the back of my drawer, so they must have been there a long time".

Not once did she say "I'm sorry, I must have grabbed them by mistake". Or "I probably put them in there a while ago, I'm sorry".

After we established they were mine, and she became very defensive, I said to her, "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?", prompting her for the appropriate phrase. Her response was a very angry/defensive/snotty/huffy, "I'm sorry I took your socks, ok?!?". Definitely not a sincere apology/admission of responsibility.

I admit, her taking my socks is not a big deal. It's completely inconsequential (except, of course, that roughly 50% of her socks end up "mate-less" after she wears them). I was not upset they were on her feet, just pointing out that she was wearing my socks and therefore should not place that pair in her drawer after the next time they were washed.

However, as she listed excuses for why they were on her feet - an attempt to not take responsibility - I got frustrated and disappointed. Her dad stepped in and tried to explain to her that taking responsibility for your errors in life, and admitting you're wrong, will only result in others respecting and liking you. The more you are able to admit you're wrong, the more people will view you as honest, human, and likeable.

Yet she sat at the dinner table for over an hour debating the issue and continuing to blame her drawer for having held my socks. She could not understand that there was a difference between saying "I'm sorry, I must have grabbed them by mistake" and "Well they were in my drawer". To her, those two statements are one in the same.

What a frustrating conversation... to help her learn this lesson and see the difference between making excuses and taking responsibility/admitting error.

She still hasn't understood the message. I admire her tenacity and how she is willing to stick to her guns even after an hour of discussion. However, if she doesn't learn this lesson now, it will become increasingly difficult to learn as she gets older.

This isn't the first time she has shifted blame to others, or even to inanimate objects. It's a pattern we've seen in her for quite a while. In fact, not only is she unable to admit her mistakes, she also has double-standards for how she treats others vs. how they should treat her.

But... one lesson at a time. Either we'll get through to her and she'll be more successful in college/career, OR she will continue failing and will remain the victim in all situations where things don't exactly go her way.

Just a Thought...

2009-07-02T08:37:00.004-05:00

Lately, my step-kids' bio-mom (the BM) has been stressing the importance of "what the children want", claiming that doing what the children want and what's in their best interest is the key to being a good parent. On some level, I agree with this. If the child is able to make good, sound decisions and his/her decisions don't negatively impact others, then by all means they should be allowed to make choices. After all, being a mother sometimes involves giving up what you want in favor of what's best for your children, right? At least that's how I view it.

What's confusing to me is how this woman, who now claims she only wants what's best for her children (while insinuating my husband and I have a different agenda), at one point decided it was a good idea to leave her husband because she found someone she liked more. She did so with little or no regard for her children and how a divorce would impact them for the rest of their lives. As I age, I'm seeing more and more women - some friends, some acquaintances and some strangers - make choices that can only be described as purely selfish.

It's astonishing how many women tire of their marriages and decide to "try something new", without a second thought as to how their choices/actions/decisions will affect their children. How can a mother decide her need for change is more important than her child(ren)'s need for family and stability?

It seems some moms just don't get it. When you make a choice to tear your family apart (outside of an abusive situation), you can no longer claim that all you want is what's best for your children. If that were true, you certainly would not be putting your children through a divorce and the nasty situations that ensue.

What makes the least amount of sense in all this is how a mom can then turn around and say she wants custody of the children because she is capable of making decisions in their best interest. Obviously, if she were capable of such actions, she certainly would not have put her children in a messed up situation.

Again, I understand that in some situations - such as abuse - a divorce is truly in the best interest of the children, and the mom has every right to fight for custody in these cases. However, a majority of divorces I've witnessed involve pure selfishness.

Anyway, I just wanted to write what's been on my mind lately. It's incredibly frustrating to be accused of not caring about what my step-kids want and what's in their best interest, especially when the finger-pointing is coming from their BM - someone who has truly made bad decisions for her children. Somehow, I suspect that greed and child-support play into this whole mess. It seems to me that a woman who is capable of making a purely selfish decision regarding her children's emotional stability is also a woman who might consider the financial benefits that child support would bring to her.

New handbag, anyone? ... Anyone?

Dinner Party

2009-06-18T13:35:00.002-05:00

Last night, a group of my husband's co-workers (including his new boss, who was in town from Atlanta) came over for dinner. There were seven of us in all, and I made enough food to feed at least 20 people. Oh well, I'd rather have too much than too little.

I didn't take pictures of anything; I was a bit too busy for that. The menu included:

Flatbread pizzas; one with a fresh tomato, sun-dried tomato, pepper bacon, fresh mozzarella, and basil topping... and one with a caramelized onion, gorgonzola, bacon and honey topping.
Lasagna made with ground turkey, spinach and large portabella mushrooms (half had mushrooms)
Cream-sauce pasta with onions, garlic, shallots, chicken, baby portabellas and marsala wine
Italian salad with romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, jumbo black olives, red onion slices and peppercorncini
Rosemary and olive oil breadsticks
Homemade tiramisu

The tiramisu is something that I recently discovered to be very easy to make and incredibly delicious. I could not, for the life of me, find ladyfingers at any local grocery store, so I substituted frozen pound cake; you can't tell the difference! I'll post the recipe here and will try and remember to take a picture the next time I make it.

INGREDIENTS

8 oz. tub of marscapone cheese
1/2 cup sugar
3 tablespoons of amaretto liquor
3/4 cup of strong espresso or very strong coffee
1 Sara Lee (or comparable brand) frozen pound cake
1 cup of heavy whipping cream
1 teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa powder

TO ASSEMBLE

Start by taking the frozen pound cake and slicing it into 1/4" slices. Set these slices aside and allow the cake to thaw
In medium-sized bowl, combine the marscapone cheese, sugar and amaretto and beat on medium speed until creamy and thoroughly combined
In a separate medium-sized bowl, whip the cup of heavy whipping cream on high speed until stiff peaks form; this will take about 3 minutes
Gently fold the cheese/sugar/amaretto mixture into the whipped cream
In an 8" x 8" glass baking dish, pour the espresso (coffee) and quickly dip each slice of pound cake into the coffee mixture, flipping over so both sides absorb the liquid
Once all the coffee is absorbed, place a layer of pound cake slices in the bottom of the baking dish (you might have to "squish" some of the pieces and cut a few in half to make them fit evenly in the dish) and top with 1/2 of the whipped cream/cheese mixture
Place another layer of pound cake slices and top with the remaining half of the cream/cheese mixture
Dust with unsweetened cocoa powder - I use a mesh tea strainer to do this; simply put a teaspoon of cocoa in the tea strainer and tap the strainer over the top of the cheesecake - voila! a light, even dusting of cocoa powder!
Cover with foil and refrigerate until you're ready to serve

Chicken Tikka Masala

2009-06-16T15:12:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday, I took a break from the Thai curries, and decided to make an Indian curry; Chicken Tikka Masala. There are numerous variations of this recipe, but I wanted to make one that (I thought) the whole family would like.

It turned out to be a bit too spicy for the wee ones, but Jesse and I really liked it. This recipe serves 6-8

INGREDIENTS

FOR CHICKEN:

1 lb. chicken breasts (either 3 or 4 breasts)
1/4 Teaspoon salt
1/2 Teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 Teaspoon ground coriander seeds
1/2 cup plain, lowfat or non-fat yogurt

FOR CURRY:

1 large yellow/sweet onion, diced
1 Tablespoon finely minced garlic
1 Tablespoon freshly grated ginger root
32 oz. Hunts(TM) Petite Diced tomatoes
3 Tablespoons Garam Masala
1 Teaspoon Thai chili powder
2 Tablespoons canned (and drained) green chiles
1/4 Teaspoon sugar
1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream (at room temperature)
2 Tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro leaves

FOR RICE:

2 cups Basmati rice
1 Tablespoon Tumeric
1 bag (12 oz.) frozen peas
4 Tablespoons salted sweet cream butter

TO PREPARE THE CHICKEN:

Season the chicken breasts with ground cumin, ground coriander, and salt
Coat each chicken breast with plain yogurt
Grill over medium heat until cooked through - about 10 minutes
Remove from heat, and let sit for 5 minutes
Dice cooked chicken into 1" pieces, and set aside

TO PREPARE THE CURRY:

Melt 2 Tablespoons of salted sweet cream butter in a medium-sized skillet
Add the diced onions, and saute until golden (about 5 minutes)
Add the minced garlic and grated ginger, as well as 1/2 Teaspoon of salt to the onions and saute 2 minutes
Add 3 Tablespoons of Garam Masala spice and 1 Teaspoon Thai chili powder to the saute pan, as well as 2 Tablespoons canned (drained) green chiles. Stir to coat ingredients with Garam Masala
Next, add the petite diced tomatoes and their juices (remove any pieces of tomato that look green/yellow, and discard), and 1/4 Teaspoon white sugar. Stir to mix ingredients.
Simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes or so, stirring occasionally
Right before serving, add 1 1/2 cups of heavy cream, diced chicken breast, and 2 Tablespoons chopped cilantro to the pan. Stir to combine.
Serve over rice

TO PREPARE THE RICE:

Place 2 cups Basmati rice, 1 Tablespoon Tumeric, 4 Tablespoons salted sweet cream butter and 4 cups of water in a rice cooker. Set to cook and walk away.
When rice finishes cooking, open rice cooker and add the frozen green peas, stirring to combine and heat peas. Let sit 3 minutes until peas are cooked through.

Spoon rice onto each plate, top with curry/chicken mixture and enjoy!

We served this with fresh vegetarian spring rolls and some garlic Indian Naan bread.

"SERENITY NOW"

2009-06-15T11:26:00.003-05:00

Most women get to choose one or the other: Stay-At-Home Mom or Career Mom. I get to do both this summer.

For the past several years, the children (my step-kids, age 15, 12 and 10) have gone to their biological mom's house during summer days. Their dad would drop them off in the morning on his way to work and pick them up on his way home from work. This was done for a few reasons:

He was, at one time, a single dad who didn't have daycare.
The biological mom (a.k.a. bio-mom, "BM", or "Momster") is a true stay-at-home mom. She doesn't have a job and therefore can devote her time to the children.
The BM has a community pool in her neighborhood, and the children enjoy spending their summer days at the pool.

This year, however, is different. The first day of my husband's custodial week during summer vacation, the Momster mentioned to him that the children wish to spend their summer days at our house. I'm not exactly sure why this change took place - last year, the kids had no interest in staying here - mostly because there are no other kids their age in the neighborhood, we don't have a pool, and I work from home (which means they need to remain relatively quiet during the day).

My oldest step-son was upset at the prospect of staying here. He wanted to stay at his mom's house (we suspect this was so he could play World of Warcraft on the computer - a game he does not have at our home). My step-daughter and youngest step-son were all for staying at our house, thinking they were getting out of a summer of cleaning and general responsibility.

When my husband mentioned this change to me, I wasn't too pleased. First of all, the Momster made such a huge deal last year about the children staying at her home, and said she was advocating on the children's behalf by requesting they stay with her - why is this year all of a sudden different? Second, I work from home, which means I require a level of concentration and devotion to my job, in order to help provide food, clothing, and basic necessities for this family - I know these kids, and I know their (lack of) ability to "keep quiet". Third, what would they do all day - I explained that I was concerned about sleepovers and other kids being here and how it would be a disruption to my day. Fourth, having to pay for daily lunches for the kids will impact my budget, as I currently do the grocery shopping for our family.

I mentioned all these concerns to my husband, and was assured that they would all be addressed. The kids would be reminded to keep quiet during my work/office hours, they would be in charge of cleaning up their own messes, and they would not be allowed to have friends over during the week with the exception of special occasions when my husband can be home to maintain a level of order.

There - my concerns were addressed and things should work out fine.

Except... during the first week of the kids being home: I was interrupted several times (and have since reminded them that they need to knock before entering any closed door in our home); no messes were cleaned up (on Friday there were wet towels on the floor, food was all over the counter and two kids were sitting on our leather couch in wet swim trunks for a good part of the afternoon); no "be quiet" rules were followed (I had a horde of screaming, water-fighting kids right outside my office window for a good part of Friday's work-day); and the "no friends over" policy lasted all of 12 hours - three kids spent the night during my first week home with my step-kids.

To say I've been frustrated is a severe understatement. I'm not frustrated with the children; they are doing what they're allowed to do... break rules, disregard what I say/request, and have a fantastic fun summer break. I am, however, very frustrated with their dad, who it seems has allowed all of this to happen (at no consequence to him, I might add). He does not have to stay home with them and attempt to get work done; he does not have to listen to them fight and argue all day; and best of all, he gets to lessen his interaction with his former wife because he no longer needs to drop off and pick up the children on a daily basis. It all works out great for him.

When I've voiced my frustration to him this week, and said "I'm concerned about how this was all communicated to me and how it's turned out this week," his response was, "Well, I guess I'm not that cool."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

It certainly doesn't rectify my concerns or help me feel more like we're a team.

Ok, so I understand that all of this stems from me being a step-mom and not a bio-mom to these kids. However, even if I were their bio-mom, I doubt it would be considered ideal to have 3 rambunctious kids (AND their friends) in my work environment every day.

I have repeatedly quoted Frank Costanza this week: "Serenity NOW!"

I know (hope) it will get better, and that this frustration is just a part of me adjusting to my new routine and new responsibility. But let me tell you, the thought of running away (or at the minimum, getting in the car and driving in any one direction for a very very long time) has been very appealing!

SERENITY NOW!

Chipotle Taco Salad

2009-05-28T14:03:00.004-05:00

For dinner last night, I went out on a limb and made a new recipe for the family. Yep, that's right; even the kids were guinea pigs with this one. I figured since they like similar dishes, this one would be ok for them. I served it with turkey burgers (I didn't take pics of those), made with ground turkey, cottage cheese, lipton onion soup mix, finely diced onions and chopped fresh parsley. The burgers are always a hit; our family of 5 goes through 12 burgers!

Ok, back to the salad. As with many dishes I've made lately, this one is also inspired by Cooking Light. It takes a bit of time to prepare/chop the ingredients, but I think it's well worth it.

FOR THE SALAD:

3 stalks/heads of romaine lettuce, washed and chopped into bite-sized pieces
2 cups of cherry/sweet tomatoes, rinsed and halved
1 1/2 cups of avocado, diced
1/2 cup of red onion, sliced very thinly, and cut into 1.5" strips
1 can of sweet corn, rinsed
1 can of kidney beans (or black beans, if you prefer) rinsed

FOR THE DRESSING:

1 1/4 cup fat-free sour cream
2/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons minced chipotle chiles canned in adobo sauce
1 teaspoon adobe sauce (from the canned chiles)
juice from one lime
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons chile powder (I used chipotle pepper powder)
2 teaspoons cumin

Combine all ingredients for the dressing, and use additional lime juice and/or liquid from the canned sweet corn to thin out if desired
Add adobo sauce if you'd like the dressing spicier
Toss the salad ingredients with the dressing until fully coated

This was more than enough to feed our family, so be prepared for leftovers if you aren't feeding 8 people!

Life is a...

2009-05-27T10:13:00.002-05:00

Wild Mushroom Pasta

2009-05-27T10:05:00.005-05:00

I found this recipe on the Cooking Light website, and was very excited to try it. Not only did it get great reviews, but it was a "light" pasta; something I find difficult to comprehend. We found the exotic mushroom blend at Trader Joe's on Sunday, and threw this together for our Sunday dinner. It was fantastic! Next time, we'll try it with Marsala wine instead of the dry white wine, and we'll also add chicken to the mix. Can't wait until our next "kid-less" opportunity to refine this one! The original recipe called for farfalle (bow-tie) pasta, but since we prefer whole wheat pastas, we opted to use penne - it worked out great.

1 lb. whole wheat penne pasta, cooked
1 tablespoon butter
12 ounces of exotic mushroom blend
1/2 cup chopped yellow/vidalia onion
1/3 cup finely chopped shallots
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper
1/4 cup dry white wine
2/3 cup whipping cream
1/2 cup (2 ounces) fresh-grated parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

In a medium-sized skillet, over medium-high heat, melt butter
Add mushrooms, shallots, garlic, onion, salt & pepper to the pan and cook 12 minutes or until liquid evaporates, stirring occasionally
Add wine, cook 2 minutes, stirring occasionally
Remove from heat
Add whipping cream, cheese, parsley and cooked pasta; stir to combine
Garnish with some fresh minced parsley, fresh-ground black pepper, and a pinch of salt
Enjoy!

Busy Week

2009-05-20T12:32:00.003-05:00

This past week was busy busy busy! The end of the school year tends to be a bit hectic, and with three kids in three different schools, we're attending an unusually high number of concerts and programs to wrap up the year. However, this helps Jesse and me get ready for a busy summer. My youngest step-son is participating in the summer soccer program, which will occupy every Tuesday and Thursday night for the entire summer.

I'm so glad he's participating in a sport this summer - the kid's got massive amounts of energy, and soccer is a fantastic way for him to run some of it off. However, Jesse and I end up doing all the running for the entire season - during our custodial weeks and the bio-mom's custodial weeks. Some days, I just feel like whining about it. Why can't SHE do HER part? She hasn't ever seen one of his soccer games, and this will be the third summer he's participated in the program. Not once has she brought him to a practice, a game, or even stopped by to cheer on her son as he plays. I'm sorry, but I can't see how this is acceptable. I'm pretty sure the point of being a "stay-at-home" mom is so you can treasure the moments you have with your children and enjoy the time you have with them; not so you can stay home and play video games.

Anyway, there are some days when it really gets to me. It makes absolutely no sense. This week, it's the bio-mom's custodial week with the children, and yet my husband and I are taking two nights out of our week; one for my step-daughter's band concert ('cause the bio-mom is not going to attend), and once for my youngest step-son's school picnic ('cause if he wants to attend, he'll "need to have his dad bring him"). Yet, even though she refuses to take part in their lives and support her children, she has the audacity to claim it is inappropriate for me to do so. The bio-mom repeatedly states that I am not welcome at parent-teacher conferences, medical visits, etc.., but when it comes down to the work we put into the children, I am expected to pull my weight AND hers. Something's not right in all of that.

But, in a few short years, the kids won't be "kids" anymore, and we won't have the opportunity to share in their lives; to cheer them in victory and to help lift them up after failures. I missed the first years of their lives, and I'll be darned if I will miss out on the few years I get with them as "children".

Happy "Mother's" Day

2009-05-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

Mother's Day; a complicated day for step-mothers for many reasons. Yes, I know I'm not the biological mom; the woman for whom this day was intended. I've received countless reminders of this fact, and I certainly understand my "place". For numerous reasons, I do not celebrate Mother's Day. However, that does not stop me from recognizing the work that many mothers do; both biological and step-moms.

For those of you who don't hear it (or don't hear it enough):

Thank you for loving these children, even when they're angry with you.
Thank you for making sure they are clothed, even when you buy the "wrong thing".
Thank you for making nutritious meals, and making sure these children eat adequate amounts of all the food groups (including desserts!), even when someone hates one item on their plate.
Thank you for keeping track of the calendar; knowing when a cold lunch is needed and when the concerts/plays/events are scheduled to take place, even when your presence at such events causes embarrassment.
Thank you for noticing when the shampoo/soap/toothpaste/toilet paper is running low, even when you buy the wrong brand, and especially when you're buying these things on a weekly basis because everyone overuses these products.
Thank you for going out of your way to purchase someone's "favorite" brand of breakfast cereal, even if they change their mind when you bring it home, and it's now the least favorite brand of breakfast cereal.
Thank you for knowing to put just enough [insert ingredient here] in the food, so that someone can easily pick around them, while others can enjoy them, even if you can never put too few/too many [ingredient] in anything.
Thank you for the reminders to cut fingernails and toenails, even if you are "nagging" and have to issue several reminders.
Thank you for the numerous rides, even if you are late for the drop-off/pick-up. Also, thank you for constantly cleaning out your car due to the numerous wrappers/items left behind during these rides.
Thank you for the endless supply of gift bags and cards and for helping pick out birthday presents for a never-ending string of parties, even if you are cheap and don't spend enough on the recipients.

The list can go on, but you get the idea. Thanks to all moms who go out of their way and do things for the children in their lives.

Happy Mother's Day!

Chicken Cashew Curry

2009-05-08T10:07:00.004-05:00

This one was adapted from the most recent Cooking Light magazine, but I'm not sure how "light" it was after I made a few modifications.

It was very delicious, although somewhat time-consuming to make. It also tastes quite different from the typical curries we've made.

I would estimate this to be 4 servings, if served with rice.

INGREDIENTS

For the chicken:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 tsp salt
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon cayenne/ground red pepper
1/2 cup panko (bread crumbs)
1/4 cup unsweetened flaked coconut
1 large egg white, lightly beaten
2 teaspoons of oil (we used peanut oil, but olive, canola or vegetable oil would work just as well)

Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees
Sprinkle chicken with 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Combine cornstarch and red pepper in a ziploc bag
Place egg white in a shallow dish
Place panko and coconut flakes (mixed together) in a shallow dish
Add chicken to ziploc, one at a time, and shake to coat
Dip chicken in egg mixture and coat well
Dredge chicken in panko/coconut mixture
Heat 2 teaspoons of oil in a large oven-proof skillet over medium-high heat
Add chicken to the pan and cook for 2 minutes on each side
Place skillet in the oven and bake for 8 minutes

For the sauce:

1 can (14 oz) of light coconut milk
1 1/2 teaspoons of red curry paste
3 teaspoons of white sugar
1 teaspoon of cornstarch
1/4 cup finely chopped shallots
2 teaspoons of minced ginger
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/3 cup of chopped, dry-roasted cashews
1 tablespoon fresh-squeezed lime juice
1/2 cup of shredded carrots
1/2 cup of julienned zucchini
3/4 cup of broccoli florets
1/4 cup sliced green onions
1 tablespoon chopped cilantro

Combine coconut milk, sugar, curry and cornstarch in a small bowl
Heat 1 teaspoon of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat
Add shallots, ginger and garlic to the pan and cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly
Add the coconut milk mixture to the pan and bring to a boil. Cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly
Reduce heat to low, and stir in 1 tablespoon of lime juice
Add chopped cashews to the sauce, and stir until mixed
Add vegetables to the sauce and stir to coat
Cover and let simmer for 5 minutes
Slice chicken breasts and pour sauce over them
Garnish with cilantro and lime wedges, if desired

* This can also be served with/over a long-grain white rice, such as jasmine rice.

Oriental Chicken Salad

2009-05-08T09:48:00.003-05:00

Another "kid-less" week, and we made a couple new menu items. Tuesday night, we decided to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a nice Oriental Chicken Salad... yeah, not too traditional ;o)

The recipe is very simple, and it turned out great! Definitely something to make for those nights when you want to feel like you're eating healthy. I'm pretty sure this won't qualify as a "low calorie" meal, but it does provide a healthy portion of veggies!

For the actual "salad" part, I used:

Toasted almonds
Toasted ramen noodles
Romaine lettuce
Chopped celery
Shredded carrots
Snap peas
Diced cucumber
Slivered red onions
Sliced green onions
Halved cherry tomatoes
Chopped cilantro

For the chicken, I diced one boneless skinless breast into 1" cubes, and marinated in a mixture of 1/4 cup soy sauce and 1/4 cup white sugar. Cook the chicken over medium-high heat, adding a bit of marinade to create a glaze.

For the dressing, ingredients are:

1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons of sugar
1 teaspoon of sesame oil
1/4 teaspoon of red pepper flakes
Seasoning packet from a package of oriental-flavored ramen noodles

All the ingredients should be combined/shaken, and drizzled over the prepared salad.

It was definitely something we could make again. The chicken was the best part; it turned out sweet, salty and very tender.

Mango Sticky Rice

2009-05-04T13:11:00.005-05:00

After we had our cashew chicken stir-fry last week, I made mango sticky rice for dessert. The kids have never had this one before, and were a bit skeptical about how rice could be a dessert. They ended up liking it, though. Score one for evil step-mom! This recipe was more than enough for our family of five.

INGREDIENTS

1 c. of sweet (glutenous) rice
1 c. of cold water (to start rice soaking)
3/4 c. of cold water (to cook rice)
1/2 c. white sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 can (14 oz.) light coconut milk, divided into amounts equaling 1/2 c. and 1/4 c.
1 Tbsp. shredded coconut
2 Tbsp. toasted shredded coconut (for garnish)
1 ripe mango, diced

in a heavy-bottomed pan, soak the rice in 1 c. cold water for 30 minutes.
meanwhile, whisk together the following ingredients in a small bowl, and set aside

1/2 c. white sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. light coconut milk

3. After rice has soaked for 30 minutes, add the following ingredients to the pan:

3/4 c. water (this is in addition to the water you've used to soak the rice)
1 Tbsp. shredded coconut
1/4 c. light coconut milk

4. Bring these ingredients to a simmer over medium heat

5. Reduce heat to low and cover for 20 minutes

6. After 20 minutes, uncover rice and stir in the suger/salt/coconut milk mixture

7. Cover and let stand for 15 minutes

8. Serve with diced fresh mango and toasted shredded coconut

Cashew Chicken Stir-Fry

2009-05-04T12:43:00.004-05:00

My step-kids love, love, love stir-fry and this is one of their absolute favorites. We try to use a wide variety of vegetables, but we stay away from bell peppers 'cause I can't handle 'em. I'm sure it would be fantastic with bell peppers if you'd like to add them in! The recipe below feeds our family of five.

2 1/2 cups of jasmine rice

CHICKEN & MARINADE

1 lb. of boneless, skinless chicken breasts - diced into 1" cubes
3/4 c. light (low-sodium) soy sauce
1 Tbsp. brown sugar
3 Tbsp. corn starch

STIR-FRY VEGETABLES/INGREDIENTS

1 head of broccoli, chopped
2 handfuls of snap or sugar peas in the pod
1 bunch of green onions, sliced
2 stalks of celery, sliced
1 large handful of shredded carrots
1 1/2 cups of roasted, unsalted cashews
handful of fresh bean sprouts
1 - 14 oz. can of pineapple chunks in pineapple juice (not heavy syrup), reserve juice for sauce

SAUCE INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 Tbsp. brown sugar
1 Tbsp. sweet chili sauce
3 Tbsp. corn starch
1 Tbsp. rice wine vinegar
3/4 c. chicken broth
Juice from canned pineapple
3 tsp. ginger
3 cloves of garlic, pressed
1 1/2 Tbsp. soy sauce (light or regular, whichever you prefer)

Combine the marinade ingredients and marinade the chicken for at least 30 minutes before cooking.
Prepare rice according to directions
Combine all the sauce ingredients and set aside
Using about 3 Tbsp. of olive or peanut oil in a heated wok, fry the chicken until cooked through, about 5 minutes.
When chicken is finished cooking, add the pea pods and broccoli to the wok, and stir-fry for 2 minutes
Add remaining vegetables, pineapple and cashews to the wok and stir-fry until heated, but firm.
Pour the prepared sauce into the wok, and stir-fry for 5 minutes, until sauce thickens and vegetables are the desired firmness for eating.
Serve with cooked rice
Apologize, because you can never seem to cook enough of this, and the kids always want more.

Life is Not Fare

2009-04-30T09:30:00.007-05:00

Ala Carte? Should be more like ALL-a-Carte!

In our school district, when the kids move into Junior High School in seventh grade, the cost of a hot lunch increases from $2.05 to $2.25. I understand that this is very inexpensive compared to the costs some parents pay, and I truly appreciate that our schools are able to offer a well-balanced healthy meal at a minimal charge. My husband and I have historically deposited $50 into Junior High lunch accounts and $40 into elementary school lunch accounts on a rotation with the kids' biological mom. When funds get low, we alternate replenishing with the amounts listed above.

At the start of Junior High that the kids are introduced to the Ala-Carte food line. They can purchase items like juice, snacks, ice cream bars, etc... in addition to - or in place of - their regular lunch.

When my oldest step-son started Junior High over two years ago, we found he was really enjoying the Ala-Carte privilege. In fact, we were oblivious to how much he was spending until we started to notice the frequency at which we had to replenish funds in his lunch account; he was reaching the zero balance far more often than his siblings. At that point, I found out we could go online and view his lunch account activity to see what he was buying.

I learned a few things about my step-son at that time. Until viewing his lunch account, I had no idea about his love for Oatmeal Cream Pies. I also had no idea that he was suffering from mild retardation. Ok, so things had gotten out of hand a bit, and my husband and I decided to have a talk with the boy and remind him that we were having to pay for this. We also educated (or attempted to) on the concept of the "markup" and how he was buying these items at a very steep price.

After our discussion, he curbed his spending/eating habits and we found only a handful of extra charges on his account each week. However, after a month or so, he seemed to forget our talk, and he began stockpiling the cream pies again. This time, he added energy drinks, ice cream bars and chips. So... we talked with him again and reminded him that we were not willing to pay for these items - especially at the prices they were charging. Not only were they unhealthy choices for snacks, but we were paying double or triple what we would in the grocery store for the very same items.

His biological mom, however, told him to go ahead and buy snacks and she gave him permission to spend five extra dollars per week.

Excuse me?!?! If he eats five lunches per week at $2.25 a lunch, that's $11.25 on lunches. She offered him an increase of nearly 50% with which he could buy junk. We did not support this, and we told him that the extra money would only be put into his account for his mom's custodial weeks. There - problem solved.

Except... he didn't change his spending habits one bit. He just kept right on ordering what he wanted and expecting us to pay for it. He'd go in waves of buying an extreme amount of junk food, then we'd have a talk with him and the spending would decrease for a week or so, and as soon as we thought we'd gotten through to him... BAM!.. another week of seven dollars' worth of cream pies.

So... I gave in. If he wanted cream pies, I'd buy them for a fraction of the cost at the grocery store, and send them to school with him each week. That way, we weren't overpaying for them, and he'd get a treat with lunch each day. Great idea! But... the cream pies remained in our pantry and he wouldn't bring them to school. Turns out, he doesn't even like cream pies - he was buying them for kids at schools (I still don't know if it was for friends or bullies - either way, not a good way to buy friends or solve a bully problem).

For over two years, we've had this battle with the boy over lunch money. We remind him to not overspend, and he keeps overspending.

Fast forward to today. He's now in High School and this year, we decided that we'd simply pay the exact amount for his lunches during our custodial weeks. Every week, we deposit $11.25 into his account. When this plan was first implemented, he had about $25 extra in his lunch account. He's now diminished all the "extra" money and as of last Friday, went into the negative. Either his mom will have to pay extra to get him caught up, or he'll have to miss lunch for a few days until his funds are replenished. I know this seems harsh, but we've offered to provide healthy snacks, bottled water, and juice bottles that he can bring to school.

In the last month, he's spent $8.75 on bottled water ($1.25 each), $4.80 on drumstick ice cream treats; $1.00 on ice cream sundaes; $3.60 on Nutty Bars (12 @ $.30 each); $1.50 on dessert rolls; $1.50 on chips; $1.00 on donuts; and $3.45 on miscellaneous junk food (what the heck is a "clodhopper" by the way?). Over 22 days, he spent $49.50 on lunch and $25.10 on junk food. None of what he purchased as "extras" was a healthy choice for a growing body, and the bottled water is just a waste of money, especially when we have several cases of the stuff at home and he can easily bring a couple to school with him in the morning.

It's not that I want him to eat less; it's that I want him to make healthy choices and learn to budget the money he's allocated for lunch. It concerns me that he hasn't caught on to this in the two and a half years we've been trying to teach this lesson.

Unfortunately, he's competing in a track meet on Friday afternoon and I don't know that he'll be able to eat lunch at school on Friday. I really have no idea how else to get through to him, other than let him suffer the consequences. He has to learn that life is not fare.

There's your pun for Thursday.

Suspicious

2009-04-29T12:33:00.002-05:00

I'm so used to my step-kids biological mom (the "Momster") being uncooperative, spiteful and outright nasty to deal with, that when she's pleasant - dare I say cooperative - I get nervous.

What is she up to?

What is her plan?

When will the bomb drop?

Don't get me wrong; I used to take these moments at face value and think that she was turning over a new leaf and I would hold onto the hope that going forward maybe things would be different. Oh the roller coaster! It was a constant up and down and twist and turn. About six months ago, I realized that we always end up right where she wants us and then she gets mean again, while we're still reeling from the ride.

So today, when sending a friendly email about some clothing the children brought to her house and never brought back here, I pressed the "send" button and held my breath. And I waited for the inevitable barrage of finger pointing and nasty jabs that typically fill her emails to me.

However, there was none of that. I received a polite response. ACK! Now what? I have all this defense built up and nowhere to use it! Her unpredictability is too much for me. It's exhausting to even send this woman an email; a process of carefully removing anything that can be misconstrued as accusatory or offensive, then proof-reading several times, then sending, and finally waiting for the ball to be smashed back to my side of the court.

When I receive a response like the one today, I don't know how to take it. My heart would like to simply accept that it was a friendly exchange and leave it at that; my mind says "BEWARE... something's amiss".

Today I will run through the possibilities. I'd like to say that I can make an educated guess about the cause of her lack of nastiness (I wouldn't call it "kindness"), but if the past several years have taught me anything, it's that the Momster is insanely unpredictable. You can only count on her to be unaccountable, and that's it.

Perhaps she has her "victim of the week/month" in my step-daughter, as they are still not getting along and she's concentrating all her meanness on her little girl. Perhaps she's on new medication. Maybe she won some sort of raid or battle in World of Warcraft (her favorite pastime, according to the kids), and is having a "good" day. All I can be sure of is that it's a short-lived situation. She could turn mean again tomorrow... or the next day... or the day after that...

I'll be sure to tell you when it happens.

Weekend Fare

2009-04-27T09:17:00.004-05:00

Since it was just Jesse and me this weekend - no kids - we tried some new things in the kitchen. On Saturday, we bought some fantastic fresh Tuna steak, and decided to do a grill-only meal: bruschetta, broccoli and tuna. Not only was it an incredibly healthy dinner, it was delicious!

The tuna was pre-seasoned with a mixture of wasabi, honey, oil and lemon, and it was grilled for about 4 minutes on each side. For the broccoli, a splash of lemon juice along with some lemon-pepper seasoning and about 8 minutes on the grill (indirect heat). The bruschetta was a simple combination of toasted Italian bread, tomatoes, balsamic, olive oil, basil and fresh-grated parmesan.

Yesterday, I saw a recipe online for homemade soft pretzels. As a carb-junkie, I decided that we had to make these. They turned out great, and now we're thinking of different ways to use the pretzel dough as a dinner item. Somehow, I envision it wrapped around a mixture of chicken and vegetables. We'll have to wait until the next kid-free weekend before we do some experimenting. There's no way we can risk a meal failure with three growing kids in the house - it would be a disaster!

The Day After Thai Night

2009-04-24T11:43:00.003-05:00

As it turns out, too much wine was had last night and I did not bother to take pictures of all the food. You're going to have to trust that it all turned out well.

My first try at mango sticky rice turned out great - it's definitely a dish I will be making again in the near future, and it's sure to be something the kids like.

I'll try harder next time to take pictures and THEN drink the wine. But... I'm not making any promises.

Enjoy the weekend!

Thai Night

2009-04-23T10:05:00.002-05:00

Tonight, we're having a few of our great friends over for an evening of Thai food, wine and fantastic conversation. I'm really looking forward to our time together - there's never a lull in the conversation when we get together!

This is one of the great aspects of the "one week on, one week off" schedule we have with the kids; we are able to have a dinner party on a weeknight.

Tonight's menu is:

Fresh vegetarian spring rolls with peanut sauce and chili sauce
Thai butternut squash soup
Penang Curry with vegetables
Sweet and Sour stir-fry (pad preow wan)
Mango Sticky Rice
Waaaaay too much wine

I'll try to take pictures of everything, and post here tomorrow or Saturday. Until then, enjoy the GORGEOUS weather!!

Lemon-Pepper Pappardelle Pasta

2009-04-22T12:18:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, we decided to use the Lemon Pepper Pappardelle pasta we bought a month or so ago at Trader Joe's.

Around 2:00, I splashed a bit of lemon juice and sprinkled a bit of lemon pepper seasoning on two chicken breasts, then put them in the fridge to marinate for a few hours.

Jesse came home after work, and we started making dinner.

It all came together very quickly.

1 pkg. Trader Joe's Lemon Pepper Pappardelle pasta
2 chicken breasts, seasoned with lemon juice and lemon pepper
2 Tbsp. salted butter
2 Tbsp. flour
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1/8 tsp. onion salt
1/4 tsp. fresh ground pepper
5 stalks of asparagus, trimmed of "woody" ends, and sliced on the bias into 1.5" pieces
1/2 cup of frozen sweet peas
1/2 cup of shredded or matchstick carrots

In a saute pan, over medium heat, melt 2 Tbsp. butter
To the melted butter, whisk in 2 Tbsp. flour and make a roux
Slowly add 1 cup of chicken broth, whisking until incorporated into the roux
Slowly add 1 cup of 1% or skim milk, whisking until incorporated
Stir in garlic powder, onion salt and fresh ground pepper and bring to a slow boil
reduce heat to low and stir occassionally
After sauce thickens, add frozen peas and carrots and continue stirring occasionally
Cook pasta according to package directions. When 1 minute remains in the pasta cooking time, add asparagus to the water and stir.
Drain pasta and asparagus and set aside
Over medium heat, grill chicken breasts until cooked through. Allow to sit for 5 minutes, then slice into 1" strips.
Combine pasta, asparagus and sauce, mixing well to ensure noodles are coated.
Spoon pasta and sauce onto plate, and top with the chicken breasts.

Poor Kiddos

2009-04-22T12:03:00.002-05:00

On Sunday night, while tucking the kids into bed, my youngest step-son and my step-daughter (ages 10 and 12 respectively) were both tearful and upset at the prospect of spending the next week with their mom.

We've faced this several times in the past and it never gets easier. Knowing what their biological mom (a.k.a. the Momster) is like, I can't imagine having to spend a week with her. Since my step-daughter is in trouble for participating in the school talent show, both she and her younger brother are being punished at their mom's house. Somehow, their older brother (age 15) escapes this. It might be that he's his mom's biggest fan. He's constantly covering up for her and defending her. Just this week, the kids were laughing about how their half-brother (age 3) now says the "f" word. We asked how on Earth he learned that word at age 3, and my step-daughter and youngest step-son both said that their mom uses that word a lot. Not that this is a big deal to us - she can talk however she'd like in her home and among her children. However, my oldest step-son immediately jumped in to "defend" his mom, saying that she never uses that word and he accused his siblings of lying. It's fairly obvious who was lying in this situation, and he's not saving his mom any shame in trying to cover for her.

Anyway, the younger two certainly dreaded returning to the Momster's for her custodial week. In a way (and this is purely selfish), I kind of relish in the fact that she's such a bad mom. They're not my kids, and I have to try much much harder to gain their respect and approval... so when she is blatantly horrible to them, I silently thank her for making my job just a bit easier.

Not that it's easy to deal with emotionally distraught kids or know that you're sending them to a home in which they are merely "things" for her to toy with. It's certainly hard to know that they're unhappy this week, and I don't want them to experience unpleasantness for one minute.

However, it is reassuring to know that their mom slips up from time to time, and shows them her true colors. She is a nasty woman, and every once in a while they get a taste of just how nasty she can be. During those times when she is publicly campaigning for the "Mom of the Year" title - which she often is - it's helpful to think back to times like Sunday and realize she's not fooling those who matter most.

Follow-Up

2009-04-22T11:52:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days since I've posted an follow-up to the drama we faced on Saturday. What ended up happening is that my step-daughter felt remorseful for her behavior, and ended up cleaning her room (which DESPERATELY needed the cleaning!) in an attempt to redeem herself.

Of course, it wasn't cleaning her room that we wanted to see; it was a change in attitude.

After a lengthy discussion with her dad, she apologized for her behavior and was allowed to go to the movies with her friends. No, she was not meeting boys at the theater or anything like that. Her actions were purely selfish and mean, and there was no underlying cause aside from her entitled attitude.

I explained it to her from our point of view by giving her this scenario: We buy her a cake; it's a delicious cake and she gets to have it all to herself. She is thrilled at this, and can't wait to devour her treat. However, she finds out that we also bought a cake for her younger brother. Upon hearing this, she no longer wants her cake and she claims that since her brother also has one, hers will taste horrible and she will no longer be able to enjoy it. Not only does her attitude not make sense, but she looks foolish for acting so self-absorbed and petty. I hope that she can see the foolishness in her actions this past Saturday, and learn from them. Only time will tell.

She did see the movie (and she loved it, by the way), and even went to the mall with her friends afterward to do some shopping - without her little brother, dad, or step-mom in the way. All-in-all, I'd say she had a fantastic day and our presence in the theater four doors down did not detract from her experience one single bit.

I'm such a mean step-mom for allowing her to have this day of fun and freedom!!

Sooo Embarrassing!

2009-04-18T10:13:00.002-05:00

So earlier this week, my step-daughter (age 12) asked us if she could go to see a movie with her friends on Saturday (today). We asked for a few details, and she said there are two show times; 12:00 and 2:30, and they could go to whichever show time would work best for her dad and me.

Yesterday (Friday), we decided that if we were going to be bringing her to a movie, we might as well go to see one ourselves, and bring my youngest step-son and his friend to see Monsters vs Aliens. It would work out much better to just stay at the theater, instead of having to drop off my step-daughter, then turn around and pick her up a couple hours later.

So... my husband and I made the arrangements, and this morning when we told her that we had decided to do the 2:30 show, she said that it wouldn't work for her friends, and that they had decided they want to go to the 12:00 show.

After considering our options, we decided that we could pick up our step-son's friend earlier than originally planned and go see the 12:00 showing of Monsters vs Aliens, while she and her friends saw the 12:00 showing of their movie.

When she found out her younger brother was also seeing a movie, she instantly started bawling and saying it isn't fair that he is going to be there, too. Her dad explained that her brother and his friend won't be in the same theater as she and her friends, and that it won't interfere with her good time in the least. However, she insisted that he would ruin her fun and that he would somehow be an embarrassment and a nuisance to her and ruin her fun. She said he would probably need something and end up interrupting her movie to "ask for money or something like that". At this point, her dad and I reminded her that we would be attending the movie with her brother, so if he had any issues, we would be there to deal with it.

This new bit of information set her off even more, and she was now fully sobbing, angry as could be that we would be in the same movie theater complex as her and her friends. She said we were ruining her fun and that her friends would think it was really weird that her brother and dad and step-mom were there.

I can't believe that she would have such an entitled attitude about this whole thing. Never in a million years would I have thought it would be a problem for us to be in the same building as her. Her dad told her that perhaps it would be better if she stayed home and didn't risk the embarrassment of being seen in public with us.

I interjected in their conversation a few times, simply because I could not believe how ridiculous she was being about the whole thing. However, in hindsight, it's better if I simply bite my tongue and leave my husband to the business of being the bad guy. It's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes (I know... big shocker to those who know me), but I'll keep working on it. In the end, I think it's best that I stay in her good graces.

At this point, she is not going to the movie and my husband, step-son, step-son's friend and I will be going to see Monsters vs Aliens at noon. I'm not sure she understands that her dad was serious about her not going - right now, she's upstairs getting ready/primping for her day at the theater.

I have a feeling we haven't dealt with the last of this yet...

Mexican Lasagna

2009-04-16T12:49:00.006-05:00

About a year ago, my husband was attending school a few nights a week and I was left to figure out dinner for the family all on my own.

Having about 3 years of real cooking under my belt at that point, I started to branch out and "create" recipes, rather than "follow" them.

The clear winner was the Mexican Lasagna, which I will be making for the family tonight. It's very simple, but takes a bit of time to assemble. It can be made ahead and frozen - just remember to thaw it a few hours before you bake it.

One 9x13 pan will feed our family of 5... so I guess it's probably 15 servings or so :-)

1 jar of Target brand Archer Farms(TM) Chili Verde Cooking Sauce
1 package of Target brand Archer Farms(TM) Whole Wheat Tortillas (you can use any tortillas, but these have a wonderful, sweet flavor, and they really DO make a difference)
1 can Green Enchilada sauce - any brand
1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 can of sweet corn, drained - any brand
1 can of black beans, rinsed - any brand
1 can of diced green chiles, drained - any brand
1 bunch of cilantro, leaves picked and chopped
1 bunch of green/spring onions, sliced
4 cups of shredded taco or mexican blend cheese
Crystal Farms(TM) Chipotle Cheddar cheese - found in the refrigerator section of the grocery store by the other brick cheeses *
4 diced Roma tomatoes, for garnish
1 head of lettuce, shredded / 1 bag of shredded lettuce
salsa, for garnish
sour cream, for garnish

In a slow cooker, place the chicken breasts, Archer Farms(TM) Chile Verde sauce and Enchilada sauce. Cover and cook on low for 6 hours, or high for 3 to 4 hours.
When chicken is cooked through and tender, remove from sauce and shred on a platter. This can be done using 2 forks. Reserve sauce from the slow cooker - you will use it in the lasagna.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Coat the bottom and sides of a deep, 9"x13" baking pan with a few small ladles-full of sauce from the slow cooker
Place 2 whole what tortillas in the bottom of the pan, trimming if necessary
Top with 1/3 of the shredded chicken, then layer on 1/3 of the black beans, corn, cilantro, green onions and green chiles
Next, spoon on 1/3 of the sauce from the slow cooker, and top with 1/3 of the shredded cheese
Top with 2 more tortillas and repeat the process, layering as you would a regular lasagna
Finish the process with a layer of cheese on top.
*If you found the Chipotle Cheddar cheese, use this on the top of the lasagna, in addition to the mexican/taco cheese you used throughout the other layers. This smoky cheese has great flavor!
Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes
Remove from oven and let stand for about 5 minutes before slicing
Serve with shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, sour cream and salsa

Perspective

2009-04-16T12:12:00.002-05:00

I've begun to identify a pattern with my 15-year-old step-son. He's generally a good kid, and doesn't get into too much trouble or get terrible grades at school. Thankfully, he's not defiant, and he's not on drugs or anything like that.

The thing is... the kid's just a bit too apathetic. He doesn't have a strong personality, and as such, he doesn't have too many opinions or feelings to stand behind... or stand up for. I've also noticed that he's painfully unaware of other people, and how his actions or words affects those around him.

It's incredibly frustrating to know that he isn't intentionally being insensitive or uncaring; it's that he simply has no idea about people. Just this week, I took time off work to bring him to track practice at 3:30 pm. During the car ride, I attempted to engage him in conversation, which resulted in me talking and him grunting the occasional "uh-huh" and "yeah". When we got to school I handed him the "spare" cell phone, and reminded him to call his dad when he was finished with practice, as his dad would be picking him up. He grunted his acknowledgement then left the car without thanking me for the ride. He's such a pleasure to have around these days.

I made a brief stop at the grocery store, then returned home to finish working for the day. No sooner had I resumed my project than the phone rang. I was busy on a call, and couldn't answer my cell phone right away. As soon as I finished with my work-related call, I listened to the voice mail and it was my step-son calling to say, "Yeah, so I'm done with practice... you can come and pick me up."

First off, I recall very vividly reminding him to call his dad after finishing practice, and I also remember him grunting his acknowledgement as he left my vehicle. Second, I don't quite think he's aware of the distance between our home and his school (about 6 miles). Third, I think he has this idea that we (his father and I) simply sit on the edge of our seats just waiting for him to require our services.

Immediately after I listened to my voice mail, I received another call from him. I answered to his, "yeah, so are you on your way?"

"I thought you were going to call your dad when you were finished."

"Well... I just thought that... since you dropped me off..."

"Why don't you call your dad. He's across the street from where you are, and he's waiting for you to call him so he can come pick you up."

"Well... ok... *click*"

Oh why doesn't he get it?!?!

I'm really hoping this is merely a phase, and he'll move past it. When I first met him - about five years ago - he was such a pleasant, articulate, mature, engaging young man. He's regressed to this caveman-esque grunting wonder, who walks around the house and attempts to avoid household chores and conversation with other human beings.

The kicker is that every once in a while, he decides to make his presence known by throwing a hormonal tantrum. Frequently, he accuses us of ignoring him and favoring his siblings, and once he even screamed "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!"

I'm not quite sure what I should be listening to... is it the "uh-huh" or the "yeah"?

It should be said that although he lacks empathy and understanding, he does know how to take advantage of people and manipulate. He'll be the first one to volunteer to divide up a can of soda between himself and his siblings... making sure to pour some extra in his glass (for the effort, I'm sure). Or just this past weekend, he offered to divide up the candy the kids acquired during their Easter scavenger hunt. Jesse and I went to great lengths to make sure there were equal amounts of everything - knowing this was the only way to avoid arguing between the children. When it was all divvied-up, somehow my oldest step-son ended up with all the "good" candy and the other two got whatever it was that he didn't particularly want. You'd think that it would be pretty easy to divide three bags of mini eggs among three children, but he failed to see the logic behind that. I realize I'm griping about very minor things, but if we don't get a handle on this conniving nature of his, it might very well turn into a huge issue for him in adulthood.

I know all teenagers present problems for their parents (and step-parents). I realize that I need to find things to praise him for, and build our relationship that way. Lately, though, I struggle to find the good.

Exactly how do you teach perspective? How do you convince someone to consider other people's feelings?

The "Real" Truth

2009-04-13T10:12:00.003-05:00

Parent-Teacher conferences for my oldest step-son went well. We heard the same "he's great to have in class, but lacks a bit in organizational skills and homework follow-through" speech we've heard from several other teachers in the past. It's like a broken record. He'll do his homework, but for some odd reason won't hand it in to get credit for it. Last semester, it was Geometry. This semester it's Spanish. Muy estupido! I'm sure some of it has to do with puberty and the general awkwardness that it brings. What ensues will be a pattern of me asking to see his homework, and him being upset about my involvement and questioning (a.k.a. "nagging"). Fun stuff!

Speaking of puberty... boy did it rear it's ugly head here yesterday. We picked the kids up from the Momster's house at 10am, as Easter was our holiday this year. They got in the car and immediately told us how horrible the week had been. Apparently, the Momster was in fine form. It's so hard to bite your tongue and not agree with the kids when they say how mean and unfair she can be. We simply let them vent.

It's mostly my step-daughter (age 12) and younger step-son (age 10) who are the recipients of their mom's nastiness. For some reason, my older step-son (age 15) has escaped most of the unpleasantness. I think he's learned how to play her game, and he is a bit of a "yes ma'am" type of guy anyway (somewhat of a "noodle" if you will). The younger ones will complain and vent, and the older one will defend his mom. It's sad to see him lie as an attempt to make her look good. I guess that's the only way she can look good... 'cause the truth certainly ain't pretty!

Anyway, as a result of my step-daughter participating in her school talent show (against the Bio-Mom's wishes), her BM was furious with her. She is grounded from TV and phone indefinitely, and has taken up the duty of live-in maid for the foreseeable future. In addition, her younger brother has also fallen victim and had his TV privileges stripped. He was told to ask his sister if he wanted to know why he was being punished 'cause it's her fault.

Again, I'm very proud of my step-daughter for making the unpopular/difficult choice and deciding to do the talent show. However, at this point, I'm not sure the benefits outweigh the consequences. My oldest step-son was very upset with his dad last night for siding with her and allowing her to do the talent show. WHAT A MESS!!! The Momster has somehow twisted things around so much that it's now my husband's and step-daughter's fault that the children missed 7 hours of interaction with their cousins (on their mom's side) from Colorado.

The truth is that my husband and I were very generous, allowing the Momster to have the children during her non-custodial week, so they could attend a wedding for her side of the family. We gave up our time so that this could happen, and we knew it was in the kids best interest. In a perfect world, we would have a give-and-take relationship with the bio-mom, and this would not be such a big deal. With her, we know she will never ever reciprocate and allow us one minute of "extra" time with the kids.

However, my 15-year-old step-son was a bit emotional last night, and accused his dad and his sister of preventing the children from seeing their mom's family. Needless to say, it didn't go over very well. Jesse is the most patient, compassionate, understanding person I know. Last night I was glad that he was not manipulated or guilted by his son's emotions. After having a bit of an explosion regarding video games and the amount of time he's been playing them, he told Jesse, "It's your fault and [step-daughter's] fault that we didn't see our cousins last Friday!!!" To which Jesse reminded the children in no uncertain terms that:

We gave up 2 days of our custodial time so they could see their mom's family last weekend. They attended the wedding and saw their aunts/uncles/cousins and spent time with them.
We have previously given up nearly a weeks' worth of days so they could see their grandmother and aunts/uncles/cousins. Their mother has never once forfeited a single hour of her custodial time so the children could see their dad's side of the family when they have visited from out of town.
If it is so important that her children interact with her family, perhaps she should take them to visit her family. That is what we do when we take the children to see Jesse's parents, siblings, and all their children. We manage to make that happen about twice a year while juggling full-time jobs and other responsibilities.
The children were with their bio-mom for spring break this year, and she had an entire week to travel with them (something she made a big deal about earlier in the year), and yet they stayed home and did "nothing at all" during their spring break.
We always advocate on the children's behalf when it comes to dealing with their bio-mom. Including activities such as track, soccer, speech and theater. None of which their bio-mom supports their involvement.
Their bio-mom very rarely attends or participates in their activities, and refuses to provide transportation to/from auditions, rehearsals, practices, etc...

It's important that the kids understand these things, and was apparent last night that they have been brainwashed by the Momster into thinking their dad is the reason for their mom's erratic and unhealthy behavior. I think Jesse cleared that up during this discussion with the kids.

It's important to note that not once during the entire conversation was a bad word said about the children's mother. Jesse simply said that if the children do not like certain things that their mom or dad do, then they had better make sure they don't repeat those mistakes or bad behaviors when they have kids of their own.

Sometimes it frustrates me to no end that these kids can be so ungrateful about our commitment to them and our involvement in their activities. It's hard to take a step back and realize that it's not entirely their fault. They are being fed so many lies by their mom, and sometimes they start to believe what she says. I think open, candid conversations like the one last night are the only way to get them to open their eyes and start looking at the entire situation. I look forward to more of these conversations as they grow older and are able to digest more information.

We'll just keep jumping hurdles until we cross the finish line. If anyone has some suggestions about how to not spill my wine while jumping hurdles, I'd appreciate your input!

Cheers!

Unwanted Involvement

2009-04-08T13:33:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow, we have Parent-Teacher conferences at my 15-year-old step-son's school. It isn't a "scheduled" event, so we don't have a specific time to arrive and talk with his teachers; instead, it's a free-for-all in the gym. We're planning on going at 4:30 - the earliest possible time - to avoid crowds and - hopefully (fingers crossed!!!) - the Momster.

It would be an understatement to say she's not too keen on my participation in the children's school activities, and has made that perfectly clear in recent months. I'm not sure what her problem exactly is - perhaps I'm too caring, or maybe I help too much with homework. It could be that I take too much time away from my job to help out with school or attend daytime concerts and programs. Of course, I can be a bit too "on the ball" when it comes the children's homework assignments and grades, and sometimes I do cross the line by checking the school lunch account balances to see if we need to replenish the funds.

Now that I think about it, if I were a biological mother and I wanted the best for my kids, I would certainly have an issue with someone giving their time and energy to my children and assisting them on a daily basis... or maybe I wouldn't 'cause it's just COMPLETELY SELFISH to think that any of these things would be a problem!

Can you sense my dripping, heavy sarcasm? I sure hope so!

So as it stands right now, I've been told that it is very inappropriate for me to have any involvement in the children's school-related activities; conferences, website access, lunch accounts, speaking to the teachers, etc... Not once has the BM (bio-mom) stated her reasoning for this sentiment; she just feels entitled to it. For the record, I have several reasons for wanting to attend. Not only does it show the kids that their dad and I are a team and that we both care about them equally, it is incredibly helpful to have two sets of eyes and ears to gather information. Also, there are many instances when Jesse will ask questions that I wouldn't think of asking, and vice versa.

I should point out that when she and Jesse first separated -before she was even remarried - "Mr. Personality" (a.k.a. step-dad) attended all parent-teacher conferences and school functions. It was obviously done as an attempt to undermine Jesse as the children's father, and she felt 100% valid in her new guy's presence at these events. Goodness, do I have stories to post on this subject some day!

Since Jesse and I have been together, "Mr. Personality" has been present at maybe two or three school events at the most. Apparently, he lost interest. That alone speaks volumes to me about the children's lives when they are with their mom. Their step-dad really wants nothing to do with them, and clearly is not supportive of them.

Ok, so now back to the issue at hand - tomorrow's conferences. It's frustrating that the BM just can't accept my involvement kids' lives as a healthy, natural occurrence. It would be horrible if I refused to go to conferences or discuss things with teachers or volunteer to help out at the schools when parent assistance was needed. I will never have a "they're not my kids" attitude about it!

I've asked several teachers for their feelings on step-parents attending conferences and being involved in school activities, and not one of them has ever said it's a negative thing. Teachers think it's a great sign of stability and support when step-parents care enough to spend time discussing the kids' progress. This is reassuring to me, but it certainly doesn't take an expert to conclude that my attendance at events isn't done out of contempt or maliciousness.

Anyone who is a biological parent dealing with a step-parent situation, I urge you to take a moment and consider life in the step-parent's shoes. I understand it's not ideal to have someone else influencing, helping raise, and sometimes even disciplining your child(ren). However, how easy do you think it is to assume a position in a ready-made family? I don't believe any step-parent enters into the situation lightly, and I'm certain no step-parent does it for selfish reasons. Please offer a bit of room and space and - maybe I'm asking too much here - some appreciation for the time and energy they give your kid(s).

Tomorrow, I will show up with Jesse, talk to the teachers, gather information and take it from there. If the Momster shows up and has a problem with my presence, then she might just have to leave and come back at a more appropriate time.

So there you have it. I wonder if I can petition to have "step-parenting" added to that show about the most undesirable jobs...

Jamaican Jerk Chicken Pasta

2009-04-07T11:24:00.005-05:00

During the weeks that the kids are at the Momster's house, Jesse and I like to be a bit more creative in our cooking than we usually are. The kids are actually GREAT about eating different types of foods, and don't often turn their noses up at anything we put in front of them. However, there are a few dishes that we make which we will not prepare for the kids.

This Jamaican Jerk Chicken Pasta is one of those dishes. The pasta has a bit too much spice for my step-daughter and youngest step-son. So, we enjoy it when they're not with us.

It's been quite a while since we made this dish, and it was every bit as good as we remembered!!

JERK CHICKEN PASTA (serves 4)

12 oz. whole grain penne pasta, cooked according to package directions
4 chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces
2 tsp. Walkers Wood Jerk Paste (can be found online or at some specialty stores). This flavor makes the pasta, so if you live in central MN, you can pick it up at the Cornerstone Cafe in Monticello for about $8/bottle. A bottle lasts a LONG time!
1 tbsp. olive oil
2 tbsp. butter
2 tbsp. flour
1 clove of garlic, pressed
1/4 cup diced yellow onion
1/4 cup sliced portabella mushrooms
1 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup of 1% or skim milk
1/8 cup dry white wine
2 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lime juice, PLUS 1 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lime juice (for garnish)
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro, PLUS 1 tbsp. chopped fresh cilantro (for garnish)
1/2 cup frozen sweet peas
1/4 cup sliced sundried tomatoes
1/4 cup fresh-grated parmesan cheese (for garnish)

Marinate chicken breast in 2 tsp. jerk paste for at least an hour
Saute chicken breasts in 1 tbsp. olive oil, over medium heat, then remove and set aside
To the pan, add 2 tbsp. butter and 2 tbsp. flour and make a roux
Add garlic, mushrooms and onions. Stir constantly, until onions and mushrooms have softened - about 2 minutes
Add 1 cup chicken stock, 1/4 cup white wine, 2 tbsp. lime juice and 1/2 cup milk, and stir until the mixture has thickened
Add cilantro and 1/4 tsp. fresh-ground black pepper to pan, and stir to mix
Reduce heat to medium-low and add sundried tomatoes and peas. Simmer for 5 minutes
Return cooked, diced chicken breast to pan and stir to coat with sauce
Add the cooked pasta to the sauce mixture and stir to coat
Garnish with a bit of fresh cilantro and a light sprinkle of lime juice

Weekend in the Kitchen

2009-04-06T09:43:00.004-05:00

This weekend, I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen. Saturday, I made a cheesecake that had to be assembled in three steps, and Sunday I made pot pies (currently, my husband's favorite comfort food). Here are the results!

Talented

2009-04-06T08:30:00.005-05:00

My step-daughter did a WONDERFUL job at her talent show, and I couldn't have been more proud if she was my biological daughter. I looked over at my husband as soon as she finished, and he had tears in his eyes! She has such a knack for engaging the audience and being so relaxed and at home on stage. I recorded the entire song, and at some point, I might post it on here for all to see - with her permission, of course.

After the talent show, we packed the kids in the car, popped in a DVD and headed an hour west to meet up with the BM (bio-mom) and step-dad, so the kids could attend their mom's cousin's wedding. When we got there, we met at the pre-determined drop-off location (Caribou Coffee, and step-dad came alone to gather the kids. To say he isn't the friendliest person would be a major understatement. I've never seen him smile, and have certainly never seen joy/excitement on his face when he sees the step-kids. It's hard to imagine living such a cold, emotionless life... but he makes it look easy. Sometimes it's fun to mess with him; this time, I waved excitedly and flashed a huge smile. When he failed to return my enthusiasm (or even acknowledge me), I mouthed - in a very obvious way - "come on! you can at least wave!" Still... no response. What a creeper.

So after leaving the kids with "Mr. Personality", Jesse and I headed to a local restaurant. We ordered a flight of wine and some pasta, and started our weekend. Then we went to pick up a few groceries and headed home to watch a movie and turn in for the night. I love Fridays, and the thought of a full weekend ahead of us!

On Saturday morning, the Momster emailed Jesse and let him know that plans changed and they would be dropping the kids off at our place "late" Saturday night, instead of Sunday morning, as initially planned. She didn't bother to ask if we would be around or if we had plans that would prevent us from being home Saturday night. For all she knew, we might have been out of town for an overnight stay. As it turns out, we did have plans for the night, and didn't end up getting home until just before midnight. The kids were dropped off at our house sometime between 9:30 and 10:00 that night, and called my cell phone to make sure we knew the plan had changed.

When we got home, my oldest step-son and my step-daughter were still awake, in the living room playing Rock Band. My step-daughter told us that her mom didn't talk to her during their time together on Friday and Saturday, and said her mom was "really mad" because she ended up deciding to participate in the talent show. So, the motherly thing to do (of course!) is to give your child the silent treatment. Sheesh! Sometimes that woman amazes me with her crazy behavior. In fact, my step-daughter was "ousted" from the family for the night, and there was no room for her at the table with the rest of her family during the wedding reception. She had to find a different table to sit at, and luckily, her maternal grandmother had an extra spot at her table.

I didn't want to sway my step-daughter's opinion when she was weighing her options and trying to decide whether or not to do the talent show. On one hand, even though the BM never told her she couldn't do the show, she certainly made it known that my step-daughter would be making the "wrong" choice if she decided to participate in the show. On the other hand, my step-daughter lives for things like this, and knew this was a one-time opportunity to perform in front of the entire school. She debated for a while, but ultimately decided to go against the BM's wishes and do the show.

After hearing how her mom "disowned" her for the weekend, I made sure my step-daughter knew she made the right decision. I encourage the kids to make waves and stand up for what they believe in, as long as they are willing to stand behind their decisions and articulate their reasoning. She did just that, and I was proud of her. Also, her mom will get over this and move on to the next thing very quickly, whereas my step-daughter would never forgive her mom if she weren't allowed to participate in the talent show.

For what it's worth, she ROCKED, and all the kids at school were congratulating her on the way out. There was one kid who had his mom stop the car as my step-daughter and I were crossing the street, just so he could tell her she did an amazing job.

TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Calm Before the Storm?

2009-04-03T10:43:00.002-05:00

Things have been relatively quiet for the past day or so. Jesse and I went to see The Faint in Minneapolis last night - GREAT show!! It's rare to see a band who sounds as great in a live environment as they do on their recorded albums, but they certainly pulled it off!!!

The kids were home alone last night, which was a good experience for them. We had some friends pop in and "visit" them halfway through the evening, to make sure they didn't have any issues - THANK YOU, Jes and Chris! We initially thought the kids would be with the BM last night, but plans changed at the last minute, and we saw it as an opportunity to give them some freedom and show that we trust them. With the oldest being 15 and the youngest at 10 years old, it was certainly not a "bad parenting" decision, from where we stand.

Of course, there will probably be some backlash from the BM regarding our "negligence". The kids have told us that their mom never leaves them at home alone, even for an hour or so. So... I'm sure BM will loudly and clearly state her dissatisfaction with regard to our parenting (or lack thereof).

Actually, not only was it good for the kids to be alone last night, it was also good for my husband to cut the strings for the night. Looking at the big picture, my oldest step-son will be heading off to college in a little over three years. If we can't leave him alone for an evening at age 15, we're in BIG trouble when he spreads his wings!!

So it was a great night for us, and the kids fared just fine. With a little prompting from Jes, they even did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen! It was wonderful to not walk into a disaster zone when we got home.

Today, we head to my step-daughter's Junior High School Talent Show, where she will be performing a solo. I'm actually a bit nervous for her, but as usual, she'll be cool as a cucumber. That kid was born to take the stage!

After the show, we will be meeting up with the BM for a drop-off. The kids will be spending the weekend with their mom's family to attend a wedding. Jesse was kind enough to forfeit his weekend with the kids so they could see their aunts, uncles and cousins. I'm sure they'll have a good time, and we'll have a bit of a "date weekend" while they're gone - now that's what I call a win-win situation!

Challenge of the Day

2009-04-01T08:08:00.002-05:00

I'm sure a majority of us have a person (or people) in our lives who we view as speed bumps. You're cruising along, happy as a clam, and all of a sudden, WHAM - you hit the speed bump. Not only does it cause some physical damage, but you're a bit shaken mentally as well. You're likely to be a bit cautious for a while, making sure you're watching for speed bumps, but after a while (without hitting anything major), you relax and start to cruise a bit faster again.

For some of us, these bumps come in the form of co-workers, for others it might be an in-law or a friend. For me, it's my husband's former wife - the bio-mom (BM) to my step-kids. I usually refer to her as BM (for the obvious "piece o' crap connotations) or "The MOMSTER". Of course, I never speak badly about her in the presence of the children, and am quick to remind them that their mom loves them and cares a great deal about them. Personally, I am not really sure about those things (she truly isn't the maternal type), but I think it's important that the kids feel they are loved equally in both homes.

Anyway, I digress... It seems I have again hit a speed bump on the road of step-momming. It's frustrating, to say the least. For the next few weeks (months?), I will be cruising at a solid 5 mph, afraid of hitting another bump and causing even more damage. I know that when my husband and I make decisions regarding the children, we always consider what is in their best interest, and we try to factor their opinions into our choices. Believe me, we've been reminded by BM on a number of occasions that we need to "Do what's in the best interest of the children". However, when we make decisions that are obviously based upon the best interest/wishes of the children, we are then accused of "appeasing" them and not being parents.

As far as I can tell, it all comes down to the issue of control. BM would like to have control over everything that goes on in her household, as well as ours. When that doesn't happen, we get the "You're spoiling the children" or "You're not teaching the children responsibility" email. When we decide on something that is not in favor of what the children want (for example, not letting them miss a day of school to see a ball game when they're already behind on their homework), we are accused of being "too strict" and "not taking into consideration what the children truly want". It's enough to make my head spin.

I assure you, I am not perfect - far from it. However, sometimes dealing with BM's insanity is more than I can handle. I realize there are two sides to every story and that she is probably in her home right this moment, venting to a friend (or a blog!) about what a horrible step-mom I am. But I really do try to consider everyone's feelings and wishes when I form my opinions regarding the children and our unique situation. My own feelings/opinions are usually at the bottom of the list.

It's really very hard to please a husband, who I vowed to always treat with respect and kindness; three children, who change their wishes/demands from day to day; and a BM who will continue to find fault in all I do, no matter what it is.

Either I am too giving, soft, appeasing OR I am too mean, rude or unbending - there's no middle ground.

This, my friends, is the reason I like my wine.

RECIPE - Chicken Curry with Coconut

2009-03-31T20:05:00.002-05:00

This makes enough for 4 to 5 adults

RICE

Prepare 2 cups of white rice (jasmine rice is great for this dish; basmati will work well), according to package directions.

TOASTED COCONUT

Toast 1 cup of shredded, sweetened coconut over medium heat in a small saute pan. Stir constantly to keep from burning - it should take about 5 minutes for the coconut to turn a golden brown. Remove from heat and set aside.

FRIED CHICKEN

1 pkg. boneless, skinless chicken breasts, diced and coated in cornstarch
1 tbsp. sesame oil
1 tbsp. olive oil

In a medium sauce pan, over medium heat, warm the sesame oil and olive oil.
Fry cornstarch-coated chicken in the mixture of sesame oil and olive oil.
Remove chicken and set aside.

CURRY SAUCE

1 tbsp. olive oil
1/4 cup finely chopped yellow onion
2 cans of coconut milk
2 tsp. red curry paste (more or less, depending on you preference for spicy foods)
5 kaffir lime leaves, scored/sliced. These can be found at a local asian store, and should be removed from the dish before serving, as they are not to be eaten.
1 zucchini, julienned
1 cup shredded or matchstick cut carrots
1 cup frozen sweet peas

In a large saucepan, over medium heat, heat the olive oil.
Add the onion and stir until soft, about 2 minutes.
Add the curry paste, and stir to coat the onions.
Add the coconut milk and kaffir lime leaves to the pan and bring to a boil. Boil for 2 minutes, stirring.
Reduce heat and simmer for 45 minutes on low, stirring occasionally.
Have a glass of wine 'cause you have the time!
While the sauce is thickening, mix the ingredients for the peanut sauce (recipe below).
After the curry sauce has thickened, remove the kaffir lime leaves and turn heat back up to medium.
Add the cooked chicken, zucchini, peas and carrots to the sauce and cook for 10 minutes.
In a large tea cup/small bowl, pack a the cooked white rice. Turn the cup upside-down on a plate and gently pat the bottom of the cup/bowl, until the rice falls out.
Arrange 1/4 of the curry sauce, chicken and vegetable mixture around the rice.
Place about 1 tbsp. of the peanut sauce directly on top of the rice.
Garnish with toasted coconut, and serve.

PEANUT SAUCE

1/4 cup of peanut butter (chunk or creamy will work)
1 tsp. lime juice
1 tsp. chili sauce (cayenne pepper will work well, too, but adjust to 1/8 tsp.)
4 tbsp. hot water
1/2 tbsp. soy sauce
1 tsp. rice wine

Stir all ingredients, combining well.
Place in a small sauce pan over medium heat and stir until heated through.
More water can be used to thin out the sauce, if needed.

RECIPE - Fajita Burritos

2009-03-31T19:50:00.003-05:00

This recipe feeds a crowd - about 10 adults.

1.5 lbs. of chicken breasts, cut into 1.5" pieces
World Harbors fajita marinade (also found in the Organic section of the grocery store as Adobo Sauce)
1 can of Butter Kernel Corn 'N Peppers (gold colored label), drained
1 can of Rotel Diced tomatoes with Lime Juice and Cilantro, drained with the exception of 1/4 of the liquid
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 orange pepper, 1 red pepper, and 1 yellow pepper sliced into strips measuring 1/4" wide x 2" long
1 medium-sized red onion cut in half horizontally, then sliced into wedges about 1/2" wide
1 bunch of cilantro, rinsed and picked, then chopped
2 cups (dry) white rice (basmati works well), cooked
Juice from 1 lime
Sour Cream (for garnish)
Shredded mexican cheese/taco cheese
Large burrito-style flour tortillas

Marinade the chicken in 1 cup of the World Harbors fajita marinade for at least an hour
Cook the rice
While rice is cooking, fry the chicken in a large skillet/saute pan over medium heat.
After the chicken is cooked, add the peppers and onion slices to the pan, stirring to evenly coat with marinade. Saute for 10 minutes, until vegetables have softened.
Add the Corn 'N Peppers, black beans and Rotel tomatoes (with reserved juice) to the pan. Cover and turn heat down to low. Let stand until rice is finished.
When rice is finished, empty into a large bowl and toss with cilantro and lime juice.
Mix the contents of the saute pan in with the rice, and toss.
Warm the tortillas and serve with filling, sour cream and shredded cheddar cheese.

RECIPE - Fresh Salsa

2009-03-31T19:31:00.002-05:00

* 4 cans of Hunts Petite Diced tomatoes, about half the liquid strained (I'm picky, and I remove all the "yellow" pieces, as well as the "core" pieces.)

* 1 large white onion, finely diced

* 4 jalapeno peppers, finely diced - seeds and white membranes removed

* 1 bunch of cilantro (large stems removed), chopped

* 2 cloves of garlic, pressed

* 1/4 teaspoon cumin

* 1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar

* 1 teaspoon sugar

Mix all ingredients together, serve with tortilla chips

*Keeps in the refrigerator for about 5 days in an airtight container.

INTRODUCTION

2009-03-31T13:46:00.003-05:00

Well, here goes!

I've been contemplating this blog for a long time, wondering just what I would say. Really, I suppose it doesn't matter. Everyone has a story to tell, and although mine may not be so compelling to some, it might provide some insight and (if nothing else) laughs.

I am a step-mom to three kids; ages 15, 12 and 10 (boy, girl, boy). I've joked lately that I am actually step-mom to FOUR kids, with my husband's former wife being the fourth child - the one who is the most work, by the way. My husband, Jesse, and I met at work, and I was aware of his divorcee situation prior to starting our relationship. One of the first things that attracted me to him was his relationship with his children. Not only was he an "involved" parent, but he was a darned good one at that! The more time I spent with him and his children, the more amazed I was at his dedication and commitment to his family.

Needless to say, there were many other wonderful qualities that lead to me falling in love with him, some of which I'm sure I'll cover in future posts. But the thing that blew me away more than anything was his patience in dealing with his former spouse. I understand that a vast majority of divorced couples have their share of uphill battles/complaints/headaches/heartaches to deal with. However, I found a rare man when I met my husband, and I'll stand by that statement forever.

Since before Jesse and I married, I've felt as though there aren't enough resources for people like myself - childless step-moms. REAL moms (a.k.a. bio-moms) have a cultural and physical process to ready them for motherhood. REAL moms have baby showers, they receive TONS of (sometimes unsolicited) advice, and they have nine months to prepare for the arrival of this new person into their lives. Additionally, REAL moms get those first few years of growth, where the parent and the child grow together and learn how the parent/child relationship works. I'm not saying it's easy for bio-moms, but I am saying it's a well-known path, and there are thousands of books relating to the subject, most of which were written by women who've "been there, done that".

Even with adoptive parents, there is some level of social acceptance and ownership bestowed upon the new mom and/or dad. Society, in general, accepts an adopted child as a legitimate offspring of the adoptive parent(s).

However, with step-parenting - ESPECIALLY with step-mothers - there's a different spin. Having been a stepmom for less than two years, I can say I am beginning to understand what it's all about. Those who don't assume you're a "home-wrecker" will typically view you as a stand-in for the bio mom. Mothers at school functions usually treat me as though I'm the nanny to my step-kids. There have been a handful of wonderful, accepting parents I've encountered through my step-kids schools, and they have truly been a blessing in my life. These are the people I look for at concerts and classroom meetings, searching for a smile or a friendly face - it makes all the difference in the world!

I realize I set step-moms apart from step-dads, and I want to clarify on that. Step-dads are often viewed with some sort of "awwww... look at that wonderful, selfless man who is willing to step in and rescue that poor woman from a life of single-motherhood. He must be a wonderful person!" sentiment. And you know what? He probably is a wonderful person! What I'm saying is that men are revered and praised for their roles as step-parents, and women are typically questioned. Does this tie into the "wicked stepmother" stereotype? Probably. Is there some truth to the stereotype? Probably.

This blog is about how my situation fits into the whole step-parent world. I am fully aware that I can be the evil step-mom from time to time. I can't help it. There is absolutely no way to avoid those situations where I need to be a bit selfish, or where I can't stand the thought of attempting to "parent" another woman's children for one second longer. However, there are also times (the majority of the time, mind you), when I feel an amazing, overwhelming love for my step-kids that I can't imagine being any stronger if they were my biological children.

I hope to be able to use this as my space to vent, praise, whine, solicit advice, offer advice and above all, document my journey.

Cheers!