The "Real" Truth

Parent-Teacher conferences for my oldest step-son went well.  We heard the same "he's great to have in class, but lacks a bit in organizational skills and homework follow-through" speech we've heard from several other teachers in the past.  It's like a broken record.  He'll do his homework, but for some odd reason won't hand it in to get credit for it.  Last semester, it was Geometry.  This semester it's Spanish. Muy estupido!  I'm sure some of it has to do with puberty and the general awkwardness that it brings.  What ensues will be a pattern of me asking to see his homework, and him being upset about my involvement and questioning (a.k.a. "nagging").  Fun stuff!

Speaking of puberty... boy did it rear it's ugly head here yesterday.  We picked the kids up from the Momster's house at 10am, as Easter was our holiday this year.  They got in the car and immediately told us how horrible the week had been.  Apparently, the Momster was in fine form.  It's so hard to bite your tongue and not agree with the kids when they say how mean and unfair she can be.  We simply let them vent.

It's mostly my step-daughter (age 12) and younger step-son (age 10) who are the recipients of their mom's nastiness.  For some reason, my older step-son (age 15) has escaped most of the unpleasantness.  I think he's learned how to play her game, and he is a bit of a "yes ma'am" type of guy anyway (somewhat of a "noodle" if you will).  The younger ones will complain and vent, and the older one will defend his mom.  It's sad to see him lie as an attempt to make her look good.  I guess that's the only way she can look good... 'cause the truth certainly ain't pretty!

Anyway, as a result of my step-daughter participating in her school talent show (against the Bio-Mom's wishes), her BM was furious with her.  She is grounded from TV and phone indefinitely, and has taken up the duty of live-in maid for the foreseeable future.  In addition, her younger brother has also fallen victim and had his TV privileges stripped.  He was told to ask his sister if he wanted to know why he was being punished 'cause it's her fault.

Again, I'm very proud of my step-daughter for making the unpopular/difficult choice and deciding to do the talent show.  However, at this point, I'm not sure the benefits outweigh the consequences.  My oldest step-son was very upset with his dad last night for siding with her and allowing her to do the talent show.  WHAT A MESS!!!  The Momster has somehow twisted things around so much that it's now my husband's and step-daughter's fault that the children missed 7 hours of interaction with their cousins (on their mom's side) from Colorado.

The truth is that my husband and I were very generous, allowing the Momster to have the children during her non-custodial week, so they could attend a wedding for her side of the family.  We gave up our time so that this could happen, and we knew it was in the kids best interest.  In a perfect world, we would have a give-and-take relationship with the bio-mom, and this would not be such a big deal.  With her, we know she will never ever reciprocate and allow us one minute of "extra" time with the kids.

However, my 15-year-old step-son was a bit emotional last night, and accused his dad and his sister of preventing the children from seeing their mom's family.  Needless to say, it didn't go over very well.  Jesse is the most patient, compassionate, understanding person I know.  Last night I was glad that he was not manipulated or guilted by his son's emotions.  After having a bit of an explosion regarding video games and the amount of time he's been playing them, he told Jesse, "It's your fault and [step-daughter's] fault that we didn't see our cousins last Friday!!!"  To which Jesse reminded the children in no uncertain terms that:

1. We gave up 2 days of our custodial time so they could see their mom's family last weekend.  They attended the wedding and saw their aunts/uncles/cousins and spent time with them.
2. We have previously given up nearly a weeks' worth of days so they could see their grandmother and aunts/uncles/cousins.  Their mother has never once forfeited a single hour of her custodial time so the children could see their dad's side of the family when they have visited from out of town.
3. If it is so important that her children interact with her family, perhaps she should take them to visit her family.  That is what we do when we take the children to see Jesse's parents, siblings, and all their children.  We manage to make that happen about twice a year while juggling full-time jobs and other responsibilities.
4. The children were with their bio-mom for spring break this year, and she had an entire week to travel with them (something she made a big deal about earlier in the year), and yet they stayed home and did "nothing at all" during their spring break.
5. We always advocate on the children's behalf when it comes to dealing with their bio-mom.  Including activities such as track, soccer, speech and theater.  None of which their bio-mom supports their involvement.
6. Their bio-mom very rarely attends or participates in their activities, and refuses to provide transportation to/from auditions, rehearsals, practices, etc...

It's important that the kids understand these things, and was apparent last night that they have been brainwashed by the Momster into thinking their dad is the reason for their mom's erratic and unhealthy behavior.  I think Jesse cleared that up during this discussion with the kids.

It's important to note that not once during the entire conversation was a bad word said about the children's mother.  Jesse simply said that if the children do not like certain things that their mom or dad do, then they had better make sure they don't repeat those mistakes or bad behaviors when they have kids of their own.

Sometimes it frustrates me to no end that these kids can be so ungrateful about our commitment to them and our involvement in their activities.  It's hard to take a step back and realize that it's not entirely their fault.  They are being fed so many lies by their mom, and sometimes they start to believe what she says.  I think open, candid conversations like the one last night are the only way to get them to open their eyes and start looking at the entire situation.  I look forward to more of these conversations as they grow older and are able to digest more information.

We'll just keep jumping hurdles until we cross the finish line.  If anyone has some suggestions about how to not spill my wine while jumping hurdles, I'd appreciate your input!

Cheers!

Unwanted Involvement

Tomorrow, we have Parent-Teacher conferences at my 15-year-old step-son's school.  It isn't a "scheduled" event, so we don't have a specific time to arrive and talk with his teachers; instead, it's a free-for-all in the gym.  We're planning on going at 4:30 - the earliest possible time - to avoid crowds and - hopefully (fingers crossed!!!) - the Momster.

It would be an understatement to say she's not too keen on my participation in the children's school activities, and has made that perfectly clear in recent months.  I'm not sure what her problem exactly is - perhaps I'm too caring, or maybe I help too much with homework.  It could be that I take too much time away from my job to help out with school or attend daytime concerts and programs.  Of course, I can be a bit too "on the ball" when it comes the children's homework assignments and grades, and sometimes I do cross the line by checking the school lunch account balances to see if we need to replenish the funds.

Now that I think about it, if I were a biological mother and I wanted the best for my kids, I would certainly have an issue with someone giving their time and energy to my children and assisting them on a daily basis... or maybe I wouldn't 'cause it's just COMPLETELY SELFISH to think that any of these things would be a problem!

Can you sense my dripping, heavy sarcasm?  I sure hope so!

So as it stands right now, I've been told that it is very inappropriate for me to have any involvement in the children's school-related activities; conferences, website access, lunch accounts, speaking to the teachers, etc...  Not once has the BM (bio-mom) stated her reasoning for this sentiment; she just feels entitled to it.  For the record, I have several reasons for wanting to attend.  Not only does it show the kids that their dad and I are a team and that we both care about them equally, it is incredibly helpful to have two sets of eyes and ears to gather information.  Also, there are many instances when Jesse will ask questions that I wouldn't think of asking, and vice versa.  

I should point out that when she and Jesse first separated  -before she was even remarried - "Mr. Personality" (a.k.a. step-dad) attended all parent-teacher conferences and school functions.  It was obviously done as an attempt to undermine Jesse as the children's father, and she felt 100% valid in her new guy's presence at these events.  Goodness, do I have stories to post on this subject some day!

Since Jesse and I have been together, "Mr. Personality" has been present at maybe two or three school events at the most.  Apparently, he lost interest.  That alone speaks volumes to me about the children's lives when they are with their mom.  Their step-dad really wants nothing to do with them, and clearly is not supportive of them.

Ok, so now back to the issue at hand - tomorrow's conferences.  It's frustrating that the BM just can't accept my involvement kids' lives as a healthy, natural occurrence.  It would be horrible if I refused to go to conferences or discuss things with teachers or volunteer to help out at the schools when parent assistance was needed.  I will never have a "they're not my kids" attitude about it!

I've asked several teachers for their feelings on step-parents attending conferences and being involved in school activities, and not one of them has ever said it's a negative thing.  Teachers think it's a great sign of stability and support when step-parents care enough to spend time discussing the kids' progress.  This is reassuring to me, but it certainly doesn't take an expert to conclude that my attendance at events isn't done out of contempt or maliciousness.

Anyone who is a biological parent dealing with a step-parent situation, I urge you to take a moment and consider life in the step-parent's shoes.  I understand it's not ideal to have someone else influencing, helping raise, and sometimes even disciplining your child(ren). However, how easy do you think it is to assume a position in a ready-made family?  I don't believe any step-parent enters into the situation lightly, and I'm certain no step-parent does it for selfish reasons.  Please offer a bit of room and space and - maybe I'm asking too much here - some appreciation for the time and energy they give your kid(s).

Tomorrow, I will show up with Jesse, talk to the teachers, gather information and take it from there.  If the Momster shows up and has a problem with my presence, then she might just have to leave and come back at a more appropriate time.

So there you have it.  I wonder if I can petition to have "step-parenting" added to that show about the most undesirable jobs...

Jamaican Jerk Chicken Pasta

During the weeks that the kids are at the Momster's house, Jesse and I like to be a bit more creative in our cooking than we usually are. The kids are actually GREAT about eating different types of foods, and don't often turn their noses up at anything we put in front of them.  However, there are a few dishes that we make which we will not prepare for the kids.

This Jamaican Jerk Chicken Pasta is one of those dishes.  The pasta has a bit too much spice for my step-daughter and youngest step-son.  So, we enjoy it when they're not with us.

It's been quite a while since we made this dish, and it was every bit as good as we remembered!!

JERK CHICKEN PASTA (serves 4)

• 12 oz. whole grain penne pasta, cooked according to package directions
  
• 4 chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces
  
• 2 tsp. Walkers Wood Jerk Paste (can be found online or at some specialty stores).  This flavor makes the pasta, so if you live in central MN, you can pick it up at the Cornerstone Cafe in Monticello for about $8/bottle.  A bottle lasts a LONG time!
• 1 tbsp. olive oil
• 2 tbsp. butter
• 2 tbsp. flour
• 1 clove of garlic, pressed
• 1/4 cup diced yellow onion
• 1/4 cup sliced portabella mushrooms
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 1/2 cup of 1% or skim milk
• 1/8 cup dry white wine
• 2 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lime juice, PLUS 1 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lime juice (for garnish)
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro, PLUS 1 tbsp. chopped fresh cilantro (for garnish)
• 1/2 cup frozen sweet peas
• 1/4 cup sliced sundried tomatoes
• 1/4 cup fresh-grated parmesan cheese (for garnish)

1. Marinate chicken breast in 2 tsp. jerk paste for at least an hour
   
2. Saute chicken breasts in 1 tbsp. olive oil, over medium heat, then remove and set aside
3. To the pan, add 2 tbsp. butter and 2 tbsp. flour and make a roux
4. Add  garlic, mushrooms and onions.  Stir constantly, until onions and mushrooms have softened - about 2 minutes
5. Add 1 cup chicken stock, 1/4 cup white wine, 2 tbsp. lime juice and 1/2 cup milk, and stir until the mixture has thickened
6. Add cilantro and 1/4 tsp. fresh-ground black pepper to pan, and stir to mix
7. Reduce heat to medium-low and add sundried tomatoes and peas.  Simmer for 5 minutes
8. Return cooked, diced chicken breast to pan and stir to coat with sauce
9. Add the cooked pasta to the sauce mixture and stir to coat
10. Garnish with a bit of fresh cilantro and a light sprinkle of lime juice

Weekend in the Kitchen

This weekend, I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen.  Saturday, I made a cheesecake that had to be assembled in three steps, and Sunday I made pot pies (currently, my husband's favorite comfort food).  Here are the results!

Talented

My step-daughter did a WONDERFUL job at her talent show, and I couldn't have been more proud if she was my biological daughter.  I looked over at my husband as soon as she finished, and he had tears in his eyes!  She has such a knack for engaging the audience and being so relaxed and at home on stage.  I recorded the entire song, and at some point, I might post it on here for all to see - with her permission, of course.

After the talent show, we packed the kids in the car, popped in a DVD and headed an hour west to meet up with the BM (bio-mom) and step-dad, so the kids could attend their mom's cousin's wedding.  When we got there, we met at the pre-determined drop-off location (Caribou Coffee, and step-dad came alone to gather the kids.  To say he isn't the friendliest person would be a major understatement. I've never seen him smile, and have certainly never seen joy/excitement on his face when he sees the step-kids.  It's hard to imagine living such a cold, emotionless life... but he makes it look easy.  Sometimes it's fun to mess with him; this time, I waved excitedly and flashed a huge smile.  When he failed to return my enthusiasm (or even acknowledge me), I mouthed - in a very obvious way - "come on!  you can at least wave!"  Still... no response.  What a creeper.

So after leaving the kids with "Mr. Personality", Jesse and I headed to a local restaurant.  We ordered a flight of wine and some pasta, and started our weekend.  Then we went to pick up a few groceries and headed home to watch a movie and turn in for the night.  I love Fridays, and the thought of a full weekend ahead of us!

On Saturday morning, the Momster emailed Jesse and let him know that plans changed and they would be dropping the kids off at our place "late" Saturday night, instead of Sunday morning, as initially planned.  She didn't bother to ask if we would be around or if we had plans that would prevent us from being home Saturday night.  For all she knew, we might have been out of town for an overnight stay.  As it turns out, we did have plans for the night, and didn't end up getting home until just before midnight.  The kids were dropped off at our house sometime between 9:30 and 10:00 that night, and called my cell phone to make sure we knew the plan had changed.

When we got home, my oldest step-son and my step-daughter were still awake, in the living room playing Rock Band.  My step-daughter told us that her mom didn't talk to her during their time together on Friday and Saturday, and said her mom was "really mad" because she ended up deciding to participate in the talent show.  So, the motherly thing to do (of course!) is to give your child the silent treatment.  Sheesh!  Sometimes that woman amazes me with her crazy behavior.  In fact, my step-daughter was "ousted" from the family for the night, and there was no room for her at the table with the rest of her family during the wedding reception.  She had to find a different table to sit at, and luckily, her maternal grandmother had an extra spot at her table.

I didn't want to sway my step-daughter's opinion when she was weighing her options and trying to decide whether or not to do the talent show.  On one hand, even though the BM never told her she couldn't do the show, she certainly made it known that my step-daughter would be making the "wrong" choice if she decided to participate in the show.  On the other hand, my step-daughter lives for things like this, and knew this was a one-time opportunity to perform in front of the entire school.  She debated for a while, but ultimately decided to go against the BM's wishes and do the show.

After hearing how her mom "disowned" her for the weekend, I made sure my step-daughter knew she made the right decision.  I encourage the kids to make waves and stand up for what they believe in, as long as they are willing to stand behind their decisions and articulate their reasoning.  She did just that, and I was proud of her.  Also, her mom will get over this and move on to the next thing very quickly, whereas my step-daughter would never forgive her mom if she weren't allowed to participate in the talent show.

For what it's worth, she ROCKED, and all the kids at school were congratulating her on the way out.  There was one kid who had his mom stop the car as my step-daughter and I were crossing the street, just so he could tell her she did an amazing job.

TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Calm Before the Storm?

Things have been relatively quiet for the past day or so.  Jesse and I went to see The Faint in Minneapolis last night - GREAT show!!  It's rare to see a band who sounds as great in a live environment as they do on their recorded albums, but they certainly pulled it off!!!

The kids were home alone last night, which was a good experience for them.  We had some friends pop in and "visit" them halfway through the evening, to make sure they didn't have any issues - THANK YOU, Jes and Chris!  We initially thought the kids would be with the BM last night, but plans changed at the last minute, and we saw it as an opportunity to give them some freedom and show that we trust them.  With the oldest being 15 and the youngest at 10 years old, it was certainly not a "bad parenting" decision, from where we stand.

Of course, there will probably be some backlash from the BM regarding our "negligence".  The kids have told us that their mom never leaves them at home alone, even for an hour or so.  So... I'm sure BM will loudly and clearly state her dissatisfaction with regard to our parenting (or lack thereof).

Actually, not only was it good for the kids to be alone last night, it was also good for my husband to cut the strings for the night.  Looking at the big picture, my oldest step-son will be heading off to college in a little over three years.  If we can't leave him alone for an evening at age 15, we're in BIG trouble when he spreads his wings!!

So it was a great night for us, and the kids fared just fine.  With a little prompting from Jes, they even did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen!  It was wonderful to not walk into a disaster zone when we got home.

Today, we head to my step-daughter's Junior High School Talent Show, where she will be performing a solo.  I'm actually a bit nervous for her, but as usual, she'll be cool as a cucumber. That kid was born to take the stage!

After the show, we will be meeting up with the BM for a drop-off.  The kids will be spending the weekend with their mom's family to attend a wedding.  Jesse was kind enough to forfeit his weekend with the kids so they could see their aunts, uncles and cousins.  I'm sure they'll have a good time, and we'll have a bit of a "date weekend" while they're gone - now that's what I call a win-win situation!

Challenge of the Day

I'm sure a majority of us have a person (or people) in our lives who we view as speed bumps. You're cruising along, happy as a clam, and all of a sudden, WHAM - you hit the speed bump. Not only does it cause some physical damage, but you're a bit shaken mentally as well.  You're likely to be a bit cautious for a while, making sure you're watching for speed bumps, but after a while (without hitting anything major), you relax and start to cruise a bit faster again.

For some of us, these bumps come in the form of co-workers, for others it might be an in-law or a friend.  For me, it's my husband's former wife - the bio-mom (BM) to my step-kids.  I usually refer to her as BM (for the obvious "piece o' crap connotations) or "The MOMSTER". Of course, I never speak badly about her in the presence of the children, and am quick to remind them that their mom loves them and cares a great deal about them. Personally, I am not really sure about those things (she truly isn't the maternal type), but I think it's important that the kids feel they are loved equally in both homes.

Anyway, I digress... It seems I have again hit a speed bump on the road of step-momming.  It's frustrating, to say the least.  For the next few weeks (months?), I will be cruising at a solid 5 mph, afraid of hitting another bump and causing even more damage.  I know that when my husband and I make decisions regarding the children, we always consider what is in their best interest, and we try to factor their opinions into our choices.  Believe me, we've been reminded by BM on a number of occasions that we need to "Do what's in the best interest of the children". However, when we make decisions that are obviously based upon the best interest/wishes of the children, we are then accused of "appeasing" them and not being parents.

As far as I can tell, it all comes down to the issue of control.  BM would like to have control over everything that goes on in her household, as well as ours.  When that doesn't happen, we get the "You're spoiling the children" or "You're not teaching the children responsibility" email. When we decide on something that is not in favor of what the children want (for example, not letting them miss a day of school to see a ball game when they're already behind on their homework), we are accused of being "too strict" and "not taking into consideration what the children truly want". It's enough to make my head spin.

I assure you, I am not perfect - far from it.  However, sometimes dealing with BM's insanity is more than I can handle.  I realize there are two sides to every story and that she is probably in her home right this moment, venting to a friend (or a blog!) about what a horrible step-mom I am.  But I really do try to consider everyone's feelings and wishes when I form my opinions regarding the children and our unique situation.  My own feelings/opinions are usually at the bottom of the list.

It's really very hard to please a husband, who I vowed to always treat with respect and kindness; three children, who change their wishes/demands from day to day; and a BM who will continue to find fault in all I do, no matter what it is.

Either I am too giving, soft, appeasing OR I am too mean, rude or unbending - there's no middle ground.

This, my friends, is the reason I like my wine.