Double Standard of Living

After a blissful week with my husband (while my step-kids were at their mom's house), Monday reared its ugly head today - the start of a new "kid week" for us.

I think this transition is not only hard on me, but the kids as well. They are switching gears and re-setting their lifestyle every other week, as are my husband and I. I love having them around and I truly enjoy them, but that's not to say things can't get a bit frustrating or complicated from time to time.

Last week, as the kids went to school on Monday morning, it occurred to me that they were scheduled for dentist appointments today. Knowing that I wouldn't see them until after school today, I needed to communicate their appointment information to their mom so she could let them know the plan. At 4pm today, all three kids were to be at the dentist office for their 6 month cleaning/exams. My oldest two step kids are involved in track this spring, and both had practice after school. But... as any parent knows, getting after-school appointments for three kids can be a bit of a scheduling nightmare.

Appointments during school are out of the question for a few reasons, namely that my husband and I both work full-time jobs and it's not feasible for us to just take off for a few hours mid-day to bring the kids to their appointments. Especially when the kids' mom doesn't work and has ample time to do this.

Also, my husband and I are hesitant to allow the kids biological mom to bring them to appointments because the cost of treatment is no object to her. My husband and I are responsible for 100% of the premiums and 89% of everything insurance doesn't cover. I have a feeling all three kids would be in orthodontia if their mom brought them to even one appointment.

So back to last Monday, when I sent a very brief email asking the kids' mom to notify them of their dentist appointments that were taking place today, and reminding the kids to let their track coaches know about the appointment - so they wouldn't get in trouble for missing practice. I finally heard back from the bio-mom on Friday evening and she said simply "I'll let them know". I have no idea why it took her four days to respond, but at least I know my message was received and the kids were aware of the appointments.

This morning at about 8am, I received another email from the bio-mom, stating that my 16-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter did not want to go to their dentist appointments, and would instead be attending track practice. She suggested I reschedule for a time that's more convenient to the children, perhaps during school hours or maybe wait until summer vacation to schedule them. My 11-year-old stepson, however, was "looking forward to" his appointment and would like to see the dentist today, as we'd planned all along.

So much for waiting until 4pm for "kid week chaos" to begin...

Overall, today has been frustrating. The point of my email last Monday was to ensure the kids had ample time to prepare for missing track practice and to make sure the appointments could be confirmed with the dentist office the day before they took place. In one email, bio-mom negated my efforts of scheduling, arranging and communicating.

I responded with a very kind message, letting her know that unfortunately the children do not have a choice with regard to these appointments, and asked her to please communicate that they need to be at the dentist's office at 4pm as we'd previously planned and as we confirmed with the office last Friday.

In the end, my 11-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter attended their appointments. My 16-year-old step-son declined to attend his appointment (having been given the "ok" by his mom to not go), and instead he went to track.

I will not be rescheduling his appointment. He can wait until next fall when his siblings go again for their 6-month checkup. I know it's unlikely he will die or suffer long-term effects from missing one checkup; that's not what frustrates me. What does frustrate me is that through my entire relationship with my husband and his kids, there have been double standards enforced by the bio-mom. She actually believes there should be (and tries her best to enforce) one set of rules for my husband and myself, while she adheres to a completely different set of standards.

I'm not yet sure how to deal with this issue. It's not the first time I've experienced something like this from the bio-mom, and I'm certain it won't be the last. She is the most inconsistent person I've ever come across, and she has a justification for everything she does, no matter how irrational or inconsistent it might be.

Just like me. Right now. Justifying my frustration. Huh, maybe she and I aren't all that different after all.

Parents Night Out a Possible Cause of IQ Drop in Children

I wouldn't have believed there was a direct correlation between a kid/teenager's IQ and the presence of his/her parents. However, I found this today, after my husband and I had a night out and the kids dined on delivery pizza:

Note: In our home, we emphasize eating healthy and getting proper nutrition. I'd estimate about 90 percent of our dinners are made from scratch, using fresh ingredients and fresh produce. My step-children usually have a glass of juice (no sugar added) with dinner, as my husband and I typically have a glass of red wine with most dinners. On a very very rare occasion, we will buy soda (or "pop" as my MN friends call it) and the kids can have a can/glass.

I picked up a few cans of the soda shown above when they were on sale at our local grocery store. My husband told the kids they could each have a can with their delivery pizza (another rare occurrence in our home).

There are a handful of meal rules we follow, no matter what. One of them is that there is never, ever (did I mention ever?) food or beverages allowed outside of our kitchen/dining area. There are a few reasons for this, but it all boils down to the fact that food belongs at the table; we do not sit in front of the TV watching shows while we have dinner. Also, for reasons that escape me, my step-children are unable to deliver food to their mouths without dropping a ton of it on the floor - this WITH a table under their chins. I'm afraid of what even one living room meal would do to our carpeting.

Anyway, to wake up this morning and see the empty soda can sitting on the oak ledge in our living room - without a coaster - convinced me that, in fact, there was a significant IQ deficit here last night.

My step-kids are very aware of the following:

1. No food or beverage allowed in the living room
2. On occasions when we have company, we use coasters when beverages are brought into the living room.
3. If you fail to follow rule #1 - and subsequently rule #2 - above, maybe - just maybe - it would be smart to REMOVE THE EVIDENCE!

Some things will never make sense to me.

Oh well, it was totally worth it to have a mid-week date night with just my husband and me. We saw a show/concert and had a great time. I guess we'll deal with the sweat rings on our oak ledges after the kids move out.

Awkwardness

As a step-mom, uncomfortable situations go with the territory. There are times I'm just plain unsure how to handle them.

In the early days of my relationship with my (now) husband, I was eager to get to know his former wife. After all, she couldn't be too bad of a person if he'd loved her and remained with her for nearly fifteen years, right? So, I dove in. Whenever I would see her, I would attempt to engage her in conversation. I love people; it doesn't matter who it is, most everyone has an interesting life story and I love to hear 'em all. So I tried to get to know her better at every opportunity.

It became increasingly obvious that she really wasn't interested in getting to know me. I didn't take it personally, but I was a bit saddened for her children that she didn't seem to care who I was or what I was about. I was spending so much time with her kids and she didn't seem concerned about who I was or what kind of influence I was on them.

Over the course of my relationship with my husband and his kids, I've had my fair share of trials and head-scratchers where the bio-mom/ex-wife was concerned. She's certainly a unique person and is as unpredictable as the weather. Regardless, it's really not my place to judge her or - at this point - regard her as anything more than my step-kids mom. She's just not my kind of people, if you know what I mean. Even if we didn't have all this "stuff" between us, I doubt very much we'd be friends who'd chat on the phone or go out for coffee.

There are times when mutual acquaintances (usually other parents) approach me and tell me how "weird" or "mean" or "odd" my step-kids biological mom is. No matter who it is approaching me, it always makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I know she's "weird". I know she's "mean". I'm painfully aware how "odd" she is. But it doesn't make me feel good to talk bad about her with other people. It certainly doesn't help anything, and I'm sure it only makes me seem catty and a bit "weird", "mean", and/or "odd" myself. There's just no winning in this situation; either I defend her or I agree with the statements made by others.

On the flip-side, there are some days when the bio-mom has done something so irrational or selfish or mean that I'm practically begging for someone to walk up to me and start a conversation that revolves entirely around how much she sucks. It never happens when I want it to.

For those of you in my position (or even those of you in the bio-mom position), has anyone found a way to combat this awkwardness? Short of moving out of our small-ish city, I'm out of ideas. Is there a tactful response I can use in these situations?

...And They're Back!

We returned from our Cancun vacation late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. Although we all had a great time, we were ready to come home. My clothes were starting to fit tighter at the belly, and my liver was screaming for its own vacation; there's only so many fruity drinks ones liver can withstand.

All-in-all, the vacation was a success, and I'm glad we decided to take a trip with the kids. We spent a majority of our time at the resort - swimming in the ocean, drinking, lounging by the pool, eating, watching the entertainment/shows, drinking, eating... Did I mention we did a lot of eating and drinking?!?

We reserved two hotel rooms for our vacation; one for my husband and me, and one for his three kids (step-son age 16, step-daughter age 13 and step-son age 11). My step-daughter was none too pleased at the prospect of sharing a room with her brothers for a week, but she was even less pleased at the prospect of staying home in order to have her very own room at her mom's house. So... with no small amount of complaining, she decided to grace us with her presence. Lucky us.

Throughout the week, she made sure to tell us at every opportunity how unhappy she was with the sleeping arrangements. I was determined to ignore her complaining, and would often just break out into song whenever she started to whine. Trolololololololo....

My step-daughter is quite possibly the messiest/sloppiest person I've ever encountered. The state of her bedroom at her dad's and my house is a constant point of contention between us; she feels it's "her room" and she can therefore keep it in whatever state she would like. I (and often her dad) feel that she'll be forever sloppy if we don't help her change this soon. So far, she's won out and her room is a huge disaster at all times. On vacation, however; she took advantage of the room-sharing situation as a way to boss her brothers around. At one point, I actually heard her say, "There is a place for your shoes to be put away, and you need to put them in the appropriate place; this room is a disaster". Now, I'm all for her being neat and orderly and wanting her room to be clean - but COME ON! This is the same girl who leaves a trail of clothes and school items each and every day she walks through our door after school. Not only that, but I walked into the kids' hotel bathroom immediately after she delivered her cleanliness lecture, only to find HER clothes piled three feet tall under the bathroom vanity.

I think it bothers me so much because the kids' mom often delivers double-standard messages to my husband and myself, and I do not want my step-daughter to turn out like that.

Regardless, we were on vacation and I just wanted to hit the pool and read a good book. So I kept my comments to a brief "Wow, would you mind if I went to get my camera and got that statement on video?", to which I received the glare of all glares. No worries, though... it's nothing seventeen Strawberry Daiquiris couldn't fix for me. KIDDING, only kidding! It was only thirteen.

Really, it was a wonderful time. We managed to squeeze in a zip line adventure - something we all really enjoyed, and we swallowed enough saltwater to last until our next visit to the ocean. I'm very glad we went on this vacation as a family. We made memories that will last a lifetime, and as a step-parent who missed out on the early years of these kids' lives, I am glad to have these types of experiences that they can look fondly upon as they age.

...And They're Off!

As a single gal, I loved nothing more than a good vacation. Sandy beaches, palm trees, fruity cocktails, and a good book were the keys to happiness. Since marrying my husband (and his three kids), vacations are fewer and farther between.

My husband is from a different state about sixteen hours away by car. Most of my "vacations" now involve the five of us driving cross-country to visit relatives. Not that I mind this - his family is wonderful and I really enjoy spending time with them. The down-side is that my frequent tropical vacations have gone to the wayside in favor of the dreaded road trip.

Three kids in the backseat of the car spells all sorts of fun: "Name That Smell" is at the top of the list, followed closely by "Stay in YOUR Space" and "Who Drools Most While Sleeping". Good times...

This year, though, I convinced my dear husband that I am desperately in need of a tropical vacation. After countless hours of research on locations and prices and packages, I found an incredible deal for the family; an eight-day/seven-night all-inclusive stay in sunny Cancun Mexico. This is truly the only way I can imagine traveling with my step-kids; having pay for restaurant meals for three (pre)teens is not my idea of great money management.

My husband is not necessarily excited about this trip (his idea of a vacation is an "adventure" - snowboarding, climbing, rafting). He does understand that sometimes I need to have a "win", so we compromised. I get my sunny vacation... but we bring the children, and include them in the experience. Not that I am against them coming along; but it does change the budget for our vacation.

As of Monday morning, the five of us will be headed out to Cancun for a week of relaxation. I have a stack of books, my iPhone is loaded with movies, and I couldn't be more excited for a vacation!!

Adios!

"Where's My...!"

That's what I constantly find myself saying: "Where's my (fill in the blank)?!?!"

Ever since moving in with my husband and his children, over three years ago, I started to "lose" things. I'm used to having a stash of my favorite goodies to nosh on when the urge hits me. The urge, I'll admit, is a daily occurrence (sometimes several times a day), and I enjoy having a collection of sweets and treats to choose from. My weakness is chocolate, but in a pinch I'll settle for most anything sweet. Except for those weird Asian candies; have you ever tried those things?!?! BLECH!

Anyway, earlier this week, I went a-huntin' for some Hershey Kisses that I knew were in our pantry. My husband was out of town for work, which meant I got to raid the stash guilt-free and load up on sugar without him being there to remind me of the likelihood I'd end up diabetic... blah, blah, blah. So... I went to the pantry and *GASP* - no chocolate! Hmmm... maybe I'd eaten it all the night before during a sleep-walking quest for sugar. I'm not prone to sleep-walking, but maybe I'd done it...

So I decided to grab a few Twizzlers that were left over from a recent road trip. The bag of Twizzlers was there... but there were NO TWIZZLERS left in it. How is this possible?!?! I would never leave an empty bag/box/carton/container in the pantry. Throwing the empty bag is my means of getting rid of the evidence that I've eaten an entire bag of (insert diabetes-invoking sweet here). In desperation, I grabbed for the gummy bears (also a left-over from the road trip). Again... empty bag. Well, truthfully, the culprit left three or four gummies in the bag, perhaps thinking I wouldn't notice that the other two hundred went missing.

Angry - and with very low blood sugar - I sat on the kitchen floor and stewed. Those rascals ate my ENTIRE stash of sweets.

It's now a few days after the incident, and I'm still a bit ticked off. I know having kids means sacrifice. But I didn't know I'd have to share my candy!!!

Ok, ok, I think I'll live. But the thing that actually does bother me is that someone thought they could just take without asking. That is no ok with me; it never will be. Whether it's stealing money or clothes or personal items or - in this case - my prized candy stash, it's all the same to me; it's all done with the same intent. So how do we (my husband and I) teach this lesson?

I refuse to lock up my candy; in a critical situation, I don't have time to look for the keys!

Where's my sanity?!?!

The Rules... Today

After being reminded of my rights last week, I was emailed by the bio-mom this week with questions about my step-daughter's eye doctor appointment. So apparently, I am an appropriate person with whom she can discuss such matters... this week.

What I wish for is consistency on her part. Why is she unable to decide on our level of communication and leave it at that? I am tired of guessing whether or not it's appropriate for me to communicate certain information, but I think I may have found a pattern:

• Monday = I'm ok to discuss school issues, clothing purchases and lunch accounts
• Tuesday = no communication allowed; it is not appropriate for me to discuss anything regarding the children
• Wednesday = I'm ok to discuss only via email, and only regarding clothing purchases
• Thursday = I'm allowed to transport the children or their items
• Friday = no communication allowed; it's not appropriate for me to discuss anything regarding the children
• Saturday = I can send emails regarding the children, but they will not be replied to until early next week. At that time, the level of response depends on the date of the response - not the date the communication was initially sent
• Sunday = lottery day; depending on what the bio-mom's week has been like, I may or may not be an appropriate communicator of any information regarding the children

That pretty much sums it up. Ok, ok... maybe it's a bit sarcastic, but it does seem like the bio-mom's feelings regarding the level of communication she has with me are truly this random and ridiculous.

It's kind of a fun game. Kind of. Unfortunately, I've lost the rules and I'm playing with a 5-year-old who is deciding on the rules with each shake of the dice. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head.

Happy Friday!