Gift Registration Demands

While chatting online with my sister-in-law this afternoon, I told her how much I dislike the idea of wedding gift registration. Here's why:

Today, most people getting married have lived on their own (or with their partner/fiancee) prior to marriage. Therefore, they don't need household goods like toasters, blenders, etc... to start their new life together. The purpose of such a registry is to ensure the couple has all the necessary household appliances and furnishings to start anew, so gift registration applies to essentially nobody these days.

I've seen such ridiculous gift registrations over the years, it's laughable. Not too long ago, some acquaintances were obviously using their registry to outfit him for his upcoming hunting trip. And none of it was in my price range. I do not want to fund his trip into the woods, thank you very much - aren't I supposed to be buying a gift for the newlyweds?!

Another annoyance is the overpriced gift registry. A couple to whose wedding I was invited registered at some of the most expensive boutiques you could imagine. My budget would have netted them one silver spoon from their entire requested flatware collection. The nerve!!

Overall, I think the process is horrible. Couple walks into store. Couple picks up scanner. Couple spends a day saying "I WANT!!". End of story. How rude!

I've never been ok with someone telling me what to buy for them as my a present/gift to them. It's presumptuous and tacky to simply give your guests a list and say "Buy me something I've requested here. Wrap it and pretend like it was your idea. Oh, and I'll know I'm getting it before you've even written your name on the envelope because I check my gift registry status daily. Thanks."

Here's my take: If you know me well enough that you've invited me to witness your special day, chances are I have some idea of what to get you. If I can't think of something, I'll give you the wonderful gift of cash or a gift card. But let it come from me; let me figure out what to buy you from me. Please.

If I'm invited because I'm friends of the brides/groom's parents, I can certainly address a nice card and stick some cash inside. I don't need to wander all over main street trying to find the only gift in my price range that someone hasn't already checked off your list.

Oh, and there is one exception. If I'm not that great of a friend but you're inviting me because you figure I'll spend more on you than you will on me for the cost of dinner, think again. If there's an open bar, I'll be there. And you will lose in this equation. I'll even buy you a nice set of $10 hand towels from your registry if that's what it takes.

Gift registry is a joke. There. I've said my piece.

Round Two... and a Revelation

For the second day in a row, my 13-year-old stepdaughter is displaying a horrible attitude. Tonight, her dad explained that unless she change her ways and display some courteous, respectful behavior over the next couple weeks, he will not sign the permission slip allowing her to participate in a school trip to a nearby amusement park. Her response was to tell him that if he won't sign it, then her mother (the bio-mom) would. Ah, the old "divorced kid" standby; the other parent. She gave absolutely no thought to telling her dad that his punishment was ineffective, which to me displays a major lack of respect.

To properly explain this, I should go back to when I first met my husband - nearly seven years ago. From the time he and I met, his former wife/the bio-mom has made many attempts to undermine and belittle him (and later, me). From name calling to explaining to the children that the rules in our house aren't "real rules" and telling the children that we are "stupid" and "liars" - all of these statements were volunteered by the children at different points throughout the years - she has really been on the offense since she and my husband separated. In fact, even though we have the children in our home fifty percent of the time, and are very much part of their lives, when the children are in her home they must address their step-dad as "Dad" and they must call their real dad (my husband) by his first name. This was done long before the bio-mom and her (now) husband were married, and it's something that bothers me on a daily basis.

It has always, always, been my husband's standpoint (which I adopted when we started dating) that we never ever badmouth or undermine the kids bio-mom. When they complain about something she's done or some rule she's set or some punishment they've received, it's been a standard response to remind them that she is their mom, she loves them, and she probably has a good reason for making the decisions she does. Believe me, there are times I nearly bite a hole in my tongue and I get a bit of indigestion from swallowing the hard truth (really, she makes some crazy decisions!). But... in the end, she is their mom, and we can't change or prevent anything she does, so why hurt the kids in the process?

In recent years, it's becoming much more obvious that she's "winning" this battle. I guess when the "enemy" is bombarding us with weapons of mass destruction, our "balloons of kindness" (for lack of a better term) are a bit silly and fluffy and ineffective.

Here on "our side" of the trenches, we are now viewed as weak, ineffective, poor decision makers who are incapable of real parenting. These teenagers (and pre-teen) have gradually decided that when they don't like what we say/do or deem appropriate in our home, they can simply ignore it (per the bio-mom's long-standing instructions).

Tonight, after my husband had a loooong discussion with my step-daughter about her attitude and how she needs to work on kindness, he came downstairs looking plainly defeated and heavy-hearted. "Am I a bad parent?" he asked. I know for a fact that he is an amazing parent, capable of kindness and patience and consideration beyond anything I can ever hope to possess. Regardless, I knew what he was getting at, and I offered him this analogy:

Suppose you worked in a small office; it was you and four coworkers. Your four coworkers are John, Jane, Bob, and Betty. Every day you go to work, John and Jane tell you how utterly stupid Bob and Betty are; Bob and Betty are worthless employees who can't be trusted with even the most simple of projects. They are - in a sense - morons. Conversely, every day Bob and Betty tell you how wonderful John and Jane are; how they handle things appropriately and efficiently. Even when you tell them that John and Jane are always badmouthing and undermining them, they reply that they like John and Jane and respect them as fellow employees of the company.

Which coworkers would you respect? All conversations and accolades are obviously in John and Jane's favor. Bob and Betty don't stand a chance.

I'm beginning to feel this is something we will never ever overcome. Perhaps it's too late - HELP!!!

Sincerely,

Betty

New to This

Today marks the start of another "kid week" for my husband and me. My 11-year-old step-son got off the bus from school at just before 3:00 this afternoon, and my husband picked my 13-year-old step-daughter and 16-year-old step-son up from track practice at about 5:30 today.

The minute they walked in the door, I got "the look" from my step-daughter. She walked upstairs to her bedroom without a word, and shut her door. I was in the middle of making dinner, so I just finished with our meal and had her younger brother knock on her door to let her know dinner was ready.

I should have set another place for her attitude. SHEESH, I don't know what got into her today (or this past week), but SHE. IS. CRABBY. She came into the kitchen, took one look at what I was preparing (a new meal for my step-kids, though I've cooked it several times for my husband and myself) and turned her nose up. I asked what was wrong, and she said "I don't like that", referring to what I made for dinner. I explained that it was something new for her and her brothers, and that she had no way of knowing if she liked it or not. She then explained (or should I say "huffed"?) that I "did too" make that dish and that she was "absolutely certain" she'd had it before and she "didn't like it".

If she'd communicated this as a normal, non alien-possessed person, I would have been ok with it. Today her body language, vocal tone, and choice of words all communicated very clearly that SHE. IS. CRABBY.

I understand she's a teenage girl and she's hormonal and emotional, but I truly don't know how to handle these situations yet. As a female, I know what it's like to be crabby, but I just can't deal with the disrespect that goes along with her attitude. After trying to chat with her for a minute, it was clear to me that she just wanted to be rude, so I asked her to please go back up to her bedroom and "try again". I told her to come back down and try to be nice when she greets her family.

She has two opposite personalities, and not much of a range in between. One day she is bubbly, delightful, and a true joy to be around; the next, she is rude, snide, spiteful and a real pain. One day she is talkative and won't let anyone get a word in edgewise, and the next day she barely says a word, even when I ask her a direct question. What gives?

Tonight, I asked her very directly why she was acting the way she was, and I questioned whether she'd had a bad day and wanted to talk about it. She said in a very monotone voice that she "didn't think she was acting any differently" and that "nothing" was wrong.

So I let it go. I do have to say, though, that as a female I tend to let these things get to me. It absolutely sets me on edge.

I take great comfort in knowing this is not a step-mom issue. It's a teenage-girl-in-the-house issue. My husband and I are both dealing with this as new parents, and it's nice to have his company.

Can I please just fast-forward through the next five years until she's a lady? PLEASE???

Double Standard of Living

After a blissful week with my husband (while my step-kids were at their mom's house), Monday reared its ugly head today - the start of a new "kid week" for us.

I think this transition is not only hard on me, but the kids as well. They are switching gears and re-setting their lifestyle every other week, as are my husband and I. I love having them around and I truly enjoy them, but that's not to say things can't get a bit frustrating or complicated from time to time.

Last week, as the kids went to school on Monday morning, it occurred to me that they were scheduled for dentist appointments today. Knowing that I wouldn't see them until after school today, I needed to communicate their appointment information to their mom so she could let them know the plan. At 4pm today, all three kids were to be at the dentist office for their 6 month cleaning/exams. My oldest two step kids are involved in track this spring, and both had practice after school. But... as any parent knows, getting after-school appointments for three kids can be a bit of a scheduling nightmare.

Appointments during school are out of the question for a few reasons, namely that my husband and I both work full-time jobs and it's not feasible for us to just take off for a few hours mid-day to bring the kids to their appointments. Especially when the kids' mom doesn't work and has ample time to do this.

Also, my husband and I are hesitant to allow the kids biological mom to bring them to appointments because the cost of treatment is no object to her. My husband and I are responsible for 100% of the premiums and 89% of everything insurance doesn't cover. I have a feeling all three kids would be in orthodontia if their mom brought them to even one appointment.

So back to last Monday, when I sent a very brief email asking the kids' mom to notify them of their dentist appointments that were taking place today, and reminding the kids to let their track coaches know about the appointment - so they wouldn't get in trouble for missing practice. I finally heard back from the bio-mom on Friday evening and she said simply "I'll let them know". I have no idea why it took her four days to respond, but at least I know my message was received and the kids were aware of the appointments.

This morning at about 8am, I received another email from the bio-mom, stating that my 16-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter did not want to go to their dentist appointments, and would instead be attending track practice. She suggested I reschedule for a time that's more convenient to the children, perhaps during school hours or maybe wait until summer vacation to schedule them. My 11-year-old stepson, however, was "looking forward to" his appointment and would like to see the dentist today, as we'd planned all along.

So much for waiting until 4pm for "kid week chaos" to begin...

Overall, today has been frustrating. The point of my email last Monday was to ensure the kids had ample time to prepare for missing track practice and to make sure the appointments could be confirmed with the dentist office the day before they took place. In one email, bio-mom negated my efforts of scheduling, arranging and communicating.

I responded with a very kind message, letting her know that unfortunately the children do not have a choice with regard to these appointments, and asked her to please communicate that they need to be at the dentist's office at 4pm as we'd previously planned and as we confirmed with the office last Friday.

In the end, my 11-year-old step-son and my 13-year-old step-daughter attended their appointments. My 16-year-old step-son declined to attend his appointment (having been given the "ok" by his mom to not go), and instead he went to track.

I will not be rescheduling his appointment. He can wait until next fall when his siblings go again for their 6-month checkup. I know it's unlikely he will die or suffer long-term effects from missing one checkup; that's not what frustrates me. What does frustrate me is that through my entire relationship with my husband and his kids, there have been double standards enforced by the bio-mom. She actually believes there should be (and tries her best to enforce) one set of rules for my husband and myself, while she adheres to a completely different set of standards.

I'm not yet sure how to deal with this issue. It's not the first time I've experienced something like this from the bio-mom, and I'm certain it won't be the last. She is the most inconsistent person I've ever come across, and she has a justification for everything she does, no matter how irrational or inconsistent it might be.

Just like me. Right now. Justifying my frustration. Huh, maybe she and I aren't all that different after all.

Parents Night Out a Possible Cause of IQ Drop in Children

I wouldn't have believed there was a direct correlation between a kid/teenager's IQ and the presence of his/her parents. However, I found this today, after my husband and I had a night out and the kids dined on delivery pizza:

Note: In our home, we emphasize eating healthy and getting proper nutrition. I'd estimate about 90 percent of our dinners are made from scratch, using fresh ingredients and fresh produce. My step-children usually have a glass of juice (no sugar added) with dinner, as my husband and I typically have a glass of red wine with most dinners. On a very very rare occasion, we will buy soda (or "pop" as my MN friends call it) and the kids can have a can/glass.

I picked up a few cans of the soda shown above when they were on sale at our local grocery store. My husband told the kids they could each have a can with their delivery pizza (another rare occurrence in our home).

There are a handful of meal rules we follow, no matter what. One of them is that there is never, ever (did I mention ever?) food or beverages allowed outside of our kitchen/dining area. There are a few reasons for this, but it all boils down to the fact that food belongs at the table; we do not sit in front of the TV watching shows while we have dinner. Also, for reasons that escape me, my step-children are unable to deliver food to their mouths without dropping a ton of it on the floor - this WITH a table under their chins. I'm afraid of what even one living room meal would do to our carpeting.

Anyway, to wake up this morning and see the empty soda can sitting on the oak ledge in our living room - without a coaster - convinced me that, in fact, there was a significant IQ deficit here last night.

My step-kids are very aware of the following:

1. No food or beverage allowed in the living room
2. On occasions when we have company, we use coasters when beverages are brought into the living room.
3. If you fail to follow rule #1 - and subsequently rule #2 - above, maybe - just maybe - it would be smart to REMOVE THE EVIDENCE!

Some things will never make sense to me.

Oh well, it was totally worth it to have a mid-week date night with just my husband and me. We saw a show/concert and had a great time. I guess we'll deal with the sweat rings on our oak ledges after the kids move out.

Awkwardness

As a step-mom, uncomfortable situations go with the territory. There are times I'm just plain unsure how to handle them.

In the early days of my relationship with my (now) husband, I was eager to get to know his former wife. After all, she couldn't be too bad of a person if he'd loved her and remained with her for nearly fifteen years, right? So, I dove in. Whenever I would see her, I would attempt to engage her in conversation. I love people; it doesn't matter who it is, most everyone has an interesting life story and I love to hear 'em all. So I tried to get to know her better at every opportunity.

It became increasingly obvious that she really wasn't interested in getting to know me. I didn't take it personally, but I was a bit saddened for her children that she didn't seem to care who I was or what I was about. I was spending so much time with her kids and she didn't seem concerned about who I was or what kind of influence I was on them.

Over the course of my relationship with my husband and his kids, I've had my fair share of trials and head-scratchers where the bio-mom/ex-wife was concerned. She's certainly a unique person and is as unpredictable as the weather. Regardless, it's really not my place to judge her or - at this point - regard her as anything more than my step-kids mom. She's just not my kind of people, if you know what I mean. Even if we didn't have all this "stuff" between us, I doubt very much we'd be friends who'd chat on the phone or go out for coffee.

There are times when mutual acquaintances (usually other parents) approach me and tell me how "weird" or "mean" or "odd" my step-kids biological mom is. No matter who it is approaching me, it always makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I know she's "weird". I know she's "mean". I'm painfully aware how "odd" she is. But it doesn't make me feel good to talk bad about her with other people. It certainly doesn't help anything, and I'm sure it only makes me seem catty and a bit "weird", "mean", and/or "odd" myself. There's just no winning in this situation; either I defend her or I agree with the statements made by others.

On the flip-side, there are some days when the bio-mom has done something so irrational or selfish or mean that I'm practically begging for someone to walk up to me and start a conversation that revolves entirely around how much she sucks. It never happens when I want it to.

For those of you in my position (or even those of you in the bio-mom position), has anyone found a way to combat this awkwardness? Short of moving out of our small-ish city, I'm out of ideas. Is there a tactful response I can use in these situations?

...And They're Back!

We returned from our Cancun vacation late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. Although we all had a great time, we were ready to come home. My clothes were starting to fit tighter at the belly, and my liver was screaming for its own vacation; there's only so many fruity drinks ones liver can withstand.

All-in-all, the vacation was a success, and I'm glad we decided to take a trip with the kids. We spent a majority of our time at the resort - swimming in the ocean, drinking, lounging by the pool, eating, watching the entertainment/shows, drinking, eating... Did I mention we did a lot of eating and drinking?!?

We reserved two hotel rooms for our vacation; one for my husband and me, and one for his three kids (step-son age 16, step-daughter age 13 and step-son age 11). My step-daughter was none too pleased at the prospect of sharing a room with her brothers for a week, but she was even less pleased at the prospect of staying home in order to have her very own room at her mom's house. So... with no small amount of complaining, she decided to grace us with her presence. Lucky us.

Throughout the week, she made sure to tell us at every opportunity how unhappy she was with the sleeping arrangements. I was determined to ignore her complaining, and would often just break out into song whenever she started to whine. Trolololololololo....

My step-daughter is quite possibly the messiest/sloppiest person I've ever encountered. The state of her bedroom at her dad's and my house is a constant point of contention between us; she feels it's "her room" and she can therefore keep it in whatever state she would like. I (and often her dad) feel that she'll be forever sloppy if we don't help her change this soon. So far, she's won out and her room is a huge disaster at all times. On vacation, however; she took advantage of the room-sharing situation as a way to boss her brothers around. At one point, I actually heard her say, "There is a place for your shoes to be put away, and you need to put them in the appropriate place; this room is a disaster". Now, I'm all for her being neat and orderly and wanting her room to be clean - but COME ON! This is the same girl who leaves a trail of clothes and school items each and every day she walks through our door after school. Not only that, but I walked into the kids' hotel bathroom immediately after she delivered her cleanliness lecture, only to find HER clothes piled three feet tall under the bathroom vanity.

I think it bothers me so much because the kids' mom often delivers double-standard messages to my husband and myself, and I do not want my step-daughter to turn out like that.

Regardless, we were on vacation and I just wanted to hit the pool and read a good book. So I kept my comments to a brief "Wow, would you mind if I went to get my camera and got that statement on video?", to which I received the glare of all glares. No worries, though... it's nothing seventeen Strawberry Daiquiris couldn't fix for me. KIDDING, only kidding! It was only thirteen.

Really, it was a wonderful time. We managed to squeeze in a zip line adventure - something we all really enjoyed, and we swallowed enough saltwater to last until our next visit to the ocean. I'm very glad we went on this vacation as a family. We made memories that will last a lifetime, and as a step-parent who missed out on the early years of these kids' lives, I am glad to have these types of experiences that they can look fondly upon as they age.