UNTIL...

... This year, when my step-daughter turned 14, it was once again our year to host her birthday party. About two months before her birthday, I told my husband that I was planning to give my step-daughter enough money so that she could either throw her own party or spend the money on school clothes. The choice would be hers, and I would not waste any time or effort in trying to plan something that would surely displease her.

A couple nights after I told my husband of my plans, my step-daughter told him she would like to take two friends to an amusement park for her birthday. Being that it was her request (and therefore, a birthday party that would please her), I considered what she wanted and agreed that I would take her and two girlfriends to the roller coaster park. Even though it was more money than I'd planned on spending, I figured it was a sure-fire way to give her a memorable birthday. We checked our calendars and found a date that worked for everyone. The plan was to leave our house early in the morning and get to the park when they opened. Being that it was the end of summer, the park was scheduled to be open until 10pm with a fireworks show after they closed, so we decided we would stay the entire day and watch the fireworks.

About three weeks before her party, my step-daughter asked if she could bring three friends instead of two. I reminded her that I was spending more than my original budget on her and her two friends, and told her that if she wanted to bring a third friend, I would not pay for that person. Either she could pay me, or her friend could buy their own ticket. My step-daughter agreed to this arrangement.

A few days after agreeing to bring a third friend, I went online to look for discounts and to buy advance tickets to the amusement park. There was a special ticket package available, in which an all-you-can-eat dinner was included with the purchase of a regular priced ticket. For those of you who have ever been to an amusement park and paid their prices for food, you'll know this package deal was a very good option. It meant I could pack a cooler of food & drinks for lunch, and then everyone would have a ticket for the dinner buffet, which included hot dogs, hamburgers, BBQ chicken, side dishes, soft drinks, and ice cream. Although I wasn't able to use any discounts or coupons on the tickets, it was still a great deal.

Before I decided to purchase the tickets, I called my step-daughter (she had spent the night at a friend's house) to make sure her "extra" friend would be ok with purchasing a ticket at regular price. I explained the plan, and how with the tickets I was planning to buy, they would have dinner included. She said it sounded like a good plan, and I told her that if it was ok with her, I would purchase tickets for all four girls and that she or her friend could simply pay me back for the extra ticket. My step-daughter asked me if I would call her friend's mom and explain the cost and how I wanted her to pay for her daughter's ticket. I told my step-daughter that it wasn't my request to bring an extra friend and that it wasn't my responsibility to communicate the details to her friend or her friend's mom - it was her responsibility to do so. In fact, if my step-daughter had an issue with making her friend pay for her ticket, I reminded her that she could simply pay for her friend out of her birthday money. Of course, this was not an option she liked. I again asked if it was ok for me to purchase all the tickets at full price, and she said that yes, I should go ahead and buy them and I would be paid back for one ticket.

I purchased the package deal a few minutes after hanging up the phone, and printed out the tickets. Proud of myself for finding such a great deal and having planned the party my step-daughter specifically requested (and was therefore sure to like), I breathed a sigh of relief.

Five minutes later, the phone rang. It was the mom of the girl who was the "fourth wheel", and she wanted to know what the deal was. "I understand you have invited my daughter to a birthday party, but that you're only paying for some of the kids' tickets, is that correct?" (I could just hear my step-daughter explaining it to her "My mean ol' stepmom is making us pay for our own tickets for my birthday party.") So I explained how her daughter was actually not part of the original party I had agreed to, and that my step-daughter agreed to provide a ticket for her daughter - either paid by the friend or paid by my step-daughter. The mom explained that she had a free admission ticket to the park, so instead of paying for her daughter, she'd just send her with that free admission ticket. Which would have been great to know five minutes prior to her phone call. Ugh. So I explained how I'd just purchased tickets for all of the girls, and that the tickets were date-specific, as they included a dinner buffet admission as well as park admission. I understood that her daughter had free park admission, but that didn't help the situation. I told her the ticket was already purchased and that she didn't need to send along the free admission pass.

I'm very much a stick-to-your-guns type of person, and I believe that consistency is key in being a good (step) parent. Therefore, because I told my step-daughter she would be responsible for reimbursing me for one of the tickets, I held her to that. She agreed on the phone that I would buy tickets for everyone at full-price and that she would make sure I was paid back for one of the tickets. It wasn't about the money, even though I was over budget to begin with; it was more about the fact that I planned a and very nice party for my step-daughter, and she requested more. Since the plan was originally to bring her and two friends to the park, I felt I was being very accommodating by bringing a third friend and providing lunch for that friend. I wanted my step-daughter to know that the terms she agreed to were going to be upheld.

This did not go over well. She didn't understand why she had to pay me back for the extra ticket, if her friend had a ticket for free admission. I explained that the free ticket did me no good, since I had already purchased the package deal tickets as my step-daughter agreed to. I said it was unfortunate that things turned out the way they did, and that she might have communicated better with her friend, and with me, and could have avoided the issue. However, since I paid for the tickets and she agreed that I would be paid back for one of the tickets, that was the arrangement we would stick to.

Enter the Momster. My step-daughter texted her bio mom about how awful I was being and how I was being unfair and mean and ruining her birthday. Momster told her I was horrible and mean and ruining her birthday, and together they decided my step-daughter wasn't responsible for paying me back for the ticket. Nobody consulted me about this decision, it was just decided between the two of them. My husband told me I shouldn't address it with my step-daughter because it would only upset her. Sometimes I wonder if the three of them are trying to see how far they can push before I need medication...

We left our house early the morning of her party, and my step-daughter asked if we could stop at her bio mom's house because she forgot her money there, and wanted to bring along some cash for spending. My husband said he would lend her money so we didn't have to stop and bother the momster. For the record, my step-daughter paid my husband back within a week.

Two months after the party, I reminded my step-daughter that she still owed me for the cost of the ticket. She immediately became upset and defensive and told me she didn't have to pay me back. Then, she said that she paid her dad for the ticket already, when she gave him $20 after she got home. Nice try, but I recalled that the money she repaid to her dad was spending money he lent her when she left her cash at the momster's house. I reminded her of our agreement, and told her that even though things didn't turn out as she wanted them to (like I forgot she owed me money), she still had an arrangement with me and she needed to honor that.

Four months later, I have yet to be repaid. Again, it's not about the money, it's about her being accountable. Any ideas? I thought about taking part of the money she's sure to get for Christmas this year, but I just don't know if that's fair.

I think I'm going to give myself a nice tropical vacation for her sweet 16 birthday in two years. I don't think I can handle planning another party for this girl.

Party Hardly

Shortly after my July 21st post, things started to get complicated. Due to an unreasonable demand by the "momster", my husband and I are expected to host a birthday party for each of my three step-kids every other year. We are not allowed to throw a party on a yearly basis, nor are we to "skip" a year when it's our turn to plan and host the party. I think it's weird, but she claims she doesn't need to explain herself to us; we are supposed to simply smile and nod and go along with what she says.

Two years ago, for my step-daughter's golden birthday, I went all out. I am a planner by nature, and I came up with (what I thought was) the perfect party and surprise for a girl starting Junior High. Without my step-daughter's knowledge, I arranged for a limo to pick her and her friends up after school, where they would cruise around town for a bit, and then head to a "Hollywood style" photo shoot. My best gal pal is an amazing photographer, and offered her services for a couple hours so we could treat the girls to a photo shoot. The limo was to be stocked with sparkling juice (a.k.a. "kid champagne"), feather boas, and starlet sunglasses. It was something I was sure my step-daughter would love!

One catch; I couldn't tell her much about her party. I asked her to provide me a list of her most outgoing friends, and told her I would handle the rest. This did not go over well. She wanted to know what I was planning and the situation immediately turned stressful. I assured her I was planning a fun time for her and her friends, and reminded her that I knew her likes/dislikes, but that it was going to have to be a surprise. I desperately wanted to capture the look on her face when she walked out of school to find the limo waiting.

Anyway, it wasn't going to happen as I planned. The momster got involved and I ended up telling my step-daughter what the plan was, but asked her to keep it a secret from her friends so they could be surprised. Problem solved. Except, the momster planted a seed in my step-daughter's head that perhaps she'd be made fun of for having a limo pick her up. Maybe instead of kids thinking she was cool, they'd think she was nerdy. I received word that my step-daughter no longer wanted this party and instead she'd rather have a "normal" party with her friends. This, of course, was after I'd paid for the limo and made all the arrangements for the photo shoot. Shoot, indeed.

Big brother (my 15-year-old step-son) saved the day. He talked to my step-daughter and told her that in no way would anyone think it was nerdy to have a limo pick her up at school. In fact, some kids would be jealous, but most people would think it was really cool. Problem solved. Party back on. Whew!

Then I learned that the momster ordered the birthday cake for me. How NICE! By ordered, I mean simply "ordered". Not paid for. I received an email stating my step-daughter told the momster what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday, and that the momster talked to her friend who makes cakes, and the cake was on order. The friend would be contacting me to give me the cost and collect payment. Needless to say, I was not at all pleased with this arrangement. It would have irritated me if someone I liked had intervened in this manner, but to have the momster step in like this was most unwelcome. Not to mention, my step-daughter does not like cake. She usually asks for jello with whipped topping as her birthday cake. To keep the peace, I paid for and collected the cake. As a side note, I learned a few weeks ago that for the momster's 5-year-old's birthday, the "friend who makes cakes" didn't make the birthday cake. Instead, the cake came from a local grocery store. I wonder why the cake-making friend didn't make the little girl's cake... my guess is that a $50 kids' birthday cake that feeds eight is a bit too expensive for most people.

What started out as a thoughtful, expensive (even before the cake) plan for my step-daughter, turned into a situation involving tears and tantrums and hurt feelings - and that was just me. Although the party was a lot of fun, and the pictures turned out great, and - for the record - nobody at school teased her about the limo, I swore that the next birthday party would involve minimal planning on my part.

UNTIL... (to be continued)

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An Update

WOW - time flies! I took a break this summer to regroup and the next thing I know, it's December! I'll be catching up on my blogging in the coming weeks, and will fill in the gaps on what's been going on here in stepped-on-mom-land.

Our Weekend Away

The weekend we spent at our friends' cabin was fantastic; very relaxing and fun! It was just what I needed, since I came home to a pile of work so high that I've yet to dig out from under it. Throughout our weekend away, my step-daughter - although not entirely pleasant to be around - was less of a problem than I feared. She brought along a friend who I absolutely adore (polite, helpful, outgoing, cheerful...) which seemed to prevent the horrible attitude I expected.

While I spent the weekend catching some sunshine and floating around the lake on an inflatable raft with my fantastic gal pal, our husbands took the kids around the lake behind the boat - tubing, water skiing, wake boarding and wake surfing. The guys and our kids had their share of thrill-seeking, and us ladies had our share or calm and relaxation. All-in-all, a perfect weekend!

That's not to say my step-daughter was perfect. She seemed to forget some basic skills I've tried hard to teach her - clean up after yourself, ask your host/hostess if you can be of any help, no wet towels on the carpeted floor, etc... Maybe she thought she was at a hotel and the maid/housekeeper would come by soon to tidy up behind her (believe me, I would not want to be a housekeeper at any hotel where she's staying!), but she certainly wasn't concerned about being a good guest. More than once, my step-daughter's friend asked if there was anything she could help with, although it didn't do much as far as encouraging my step-daughter to help out.

Not only was she extra lazy, but she was also a bit of a bad friend. Several times throughout the weekend, her friend was hanging out with my everyone but my step-daughter. I felt bad for her, but she is definitely a go-with-the-flow type of gal, and was having fun no matter what she was doing. I'm very glad my step-daughter chose wisely when deciding who to bring. It's hard to watch her be one of those "mean girls" to her friends, but I guess we all put up with people like that in Jr. High and High School, and eventually figured out that bad friends are not worth having.

With regard to the issues we've had over the past couple months with my daughter not wanting to be with my husband and I in our home, she seems to be in a bit of a "lull". We'll see how long it lasts (my guess is until the next time we need to enforce our household rules). Of course, since I've been working long hours since our vacation, I may be missing out on all her mood swings. If that's the case, I can't complain too much about the pile of work I'm facing.

Outside of work, things on the step-mom front have been pretty calm lately. I'm starting to see that it's definitely and ebb and flow type of lifestyle. I'm planning on taking full advantage of this quiet period to spend a fun weekend with my husband for his birthday - can't wait for some time with him!

Freedom

With this being "Independence Week" and all, freedom has been a topic of much debate and conversation in our home. My 13-year-old step-daughter feels we do not allow her enough freedom and claims that her biological mom (the "momster") allows her much more leeway during her custodial weeks.

While at our home on an every-other-week basis, my step-kids (ages 16, 13, and 11) are responsible for the following:

• Bringing their dirty laundry from their upstairs bedrooms to our main floor laundry room and placing them in the correct hamper (whites, darks, or colors)
• Collecting the clean laundry that their dad sorts and folds and hangs, and putting it away in their drawers or closets
• Bringing their dirty dishes from the dining room to the dishwasher, and scraping leftover food into the compost bin
• Occasionally empty the dishwasher. I'd say that my husband and I do this about 90% of the time; the kids do the rest
• On a three week rotation, cleaning the bathroom that the three of them share. This means that every six calendar weeks they each have to clean up their own mess in the bathroom, as well as the mess left by their siblings.
• Maintain a somewhat clean bedroom. We do expect the kids to not place wet towels on their bedroom carpets or leave food/beverages open in their rooms (to keep funky smells away).

That's it. Simple tasks that I feel are the basic minimum a person can do to keep their environment livable. My step-daughter; however, feels that this is asking too much. The momster has a cleaning service clean her home on a regular basis so the kids don't really have to do much of anything at her house. Hmmmm - I'd like to have a cleaning service, too, but we're already paying for the one at the momster's house, so we can't afford one of our own ;)

The past few weeks have been a struggle with my step-daughter. For some reason, although she has the utmost freedom to come and go (as long as she lets us know where she'll be), she feels that we're being too strict and mean. I honestly don't have a clue what she's referring to. The momster won't let her have a faceb*ok account (we allow it), the momster won't let her ride her bike farther than a couple of miles (we allow it), the momster won't let her stay home alone (we've allowed it for years), the momster won't let her attend high school sports activities (we allow it), and the momster won't let her wear a two-piece swimsuit (we allow it).

When I think about the things she's allowed to do at the momster's house but not here, I cannot think of anything except being totally lazy and not having to lift a finger and do any chores whatsoever. Which, by the way, I don't agree with at all. I think we're being a bit too lenient the way things currently are - the kids should be expected to help out around the house with chores like dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, etc...

Last night, my husband asked my step-daughter what rights she feels her biological mom offers her that we don't offer. She had nothing to say - not one example. So I have no idea what the issue is. She maintains that she doesn't like being here because we're mean, and that her mom is so much nicer than we are. All I can think is that she has a different mom than the one I've known for years - she certainly isn't talking about the momster.

To make matters worse, we've been invited to spend this weekend with another family at their cabin. The other couple has two daughters (ages 10 and 8) and my step-daughter is adamant that she will not hang out with kids all weekend. I have a feeling if we end up bringing her with us, she will make everyone's weekend miserable. Although we've had this trip to the cabin planned for over two months, she made plans last week to spend this upcoming weekend with a friend and her friend's family.

Part of me wants to let her go with her friend, but another part wants to make her come with us. We planned this as a family - we were invited and accepted an invitation from our friends - and for almost all of the other weekends during the year, my step-daughter is free to do what she wants and hang out with her friends when/where she wants. This is a family weekend and it's important that we don't set a precedence to let her know that when she throws a fit (literally bawling and yelling and acting like a two-year-old last night) she will get her way.

I'll be sure to let you know what we figure out. I have a feeling that I'll be needing a cold beverage and a day on the lake soon!!

Profanity Insanity

Today marks the start of another step-mom week for me. Last week, my husband was out of town for work and I had a "single gal" week. Not exactly my ideal situation, but I did enjoy certain aspects of it. Nobody to consider but me; can't complain about that!

My 13-year-old stepdaughter recently told us she would like to spend the entire summer living with her biological mom (who lives about 8 miles away from my husband and me), instead of spending every other week with us in our home. My husband told her this was not an option and that we are not going to alter custody arrangements. I agree with him; we are not going to change our schedule (and potentially increase child support payments - which are already substantial) just to please a teenager. And as we all know, you can't really please a teenager anyway.

For as long as I've known him, my husband has had a rule - cussing/swearing/inappropriate language is not appropriate or tolerated in our home. We do not use this language and we expect that his children follow suit. It's not that we feel they aren't mature enough or free enough to express themselves using such language; it's simply that both my husband and I feel that swear words demonstrate a lack of intelligence. Therefore, we have a rule: "If we say it, you can say it", and it's been strictly upheld.

...until this week.

My step-daughter is allowed to have a faceb*ok account at our home; something her biological mom does not allow any of her children to have. I don't agree with the bio-mom's prohibition of faceb*ok, but I do respect her wishes. However, during our custodial weeks, my husband and I allow his two oldest children (ages 16 and 13) to use faceb*ok as a way to socialize with their friends. There are a few rules:

• Appropriate behavior/language is essential
• No using this service after 10pm on school nights
• Homework and chores must be finished before the child(ren) access faceb*ok
• My husband and I must have access to everything the children do/say on their and their friends pages

That's it. Simple, straightforward rules (and nothing too outlandish or controlling, if you ask me). Since I use faceb*ok more frequently than my husband, I tend to be the parent monitor the my step-kids' use of this site to ensure they are being responsible and they deserve the permissions they've been granted.

Last week, my stepdaughter posted on a friend's faceb*ok thread, and for some reason (although I can't determine the reasoning from the context of everyone's messages), she decided to post "f*ck you" on faceb*ok. I saw this, and brought it to my husband's attention. I didn't handle it or address it beyond that, but I did want him to know that his rules were being disrespected.

Tonight, at the start of our custody week, my husband told my step-daughter that he was not pleased with what she wrote, and that it was very inappropriate for her to use that language. She instantly became defensive and argumentative. I stayed out of the conversation, but observed her becoming increasingly upset and argumentative.

The bottom line: she feels she's not given enough "freedom" here to express herself and use whatever language she sees fit, and her biological mom gives her that freedom. She wants to live with her mom so she can be free to act how she wants.

Keep in mind, this is the same biological mom who allowed no freedom for this teenager to even access faceb*ok; the same woman who won't let her 13-year-old daughter to attend high school sports/functions because she's not truly a "high schooler"... it is obvious to me that we're dealing with a girl who will always see the grass as greener on the other side.

What to do? Do we hold to our values and expect her to do the same? My husband is adamant that his daughter not be allowed to live full-time with her biological mother. I agree that she's making a purely emotional/hasty request. However, part of me wants to see her move in with her mom full-time. Knowing the biological mom as I do, I have a feeling this will backfire in a matter of weeks (if not days). I'd really be curious to see how that would play out.

We're scheduled to vacation with another family over this 4th of July weekend, and my step-daughter is incredibly upset that we're making her participate in this family event, when she's been invited to another friend's house to spend the weekend. I'm absolutely dreading her attitude and the horrible demeanor she's sure to bring with us on our pleasant weekend; not to mention how she could ruin the other family's vacation.

Please say a prayer she's on her best behavior - for everyone involved.