Sunday, January 17, 2010


That's what my dear, sweet, 13-year-old stepdaughter posted on her facebook page last night. Who, you might ask, is she wanting to die in this hole? That would be me. Why might she want me to die in this hole? That would be because I let out an exasperated sigh in response to her refusal to take responsibility for her hair straightener being left on for a solid three days. Last night, she asked which of her brothers had plugged in her hair straightener. Of course, neither of them had used it/plugged it in, and as such, she was the one who must have left it on. However, when her dad and I pointed out that she must have been the one who left it on, my stepdaughter became upset and defensive, accusing her dad or I of turning it on. Surely she couldn't be at fault. After a few minutes of her and her dad discussing the the logic of who must have left her straightener turned on (and her denying responsibility), I let out an exasperated "argh" sigh, knowing I was not at liberty (as I've been told before) to express any criticism of her actions/words.

No sooner had she gone to her room, upset about the fact that we would even insinuate she was to blame for the straightener being left on, than "GO DIE IN A FREAKING HOLE." was her new facebook status. I assumed she was aiming this one at her dad, but I was dead wrong (pun intended). After her dad spent some time speaking to my stepdaughter in her bedroom about this statement and how inappropriate it was, he called me to her room and told me that her facebook comment was not directed at him, it was directed at me.

I truly didn't know how to respond. My stepdaughter explained that she was responding to the sigh I let out, and then she gave me the (forced by dad) "I'm sorry". Regret was obviously not how she felt, and she was just going along with what her dad told her to say as a way to avoid any further discussion on the matter.

What to do? For the past year or so, I have tried my best to mind my own business and not get involved in their lives. Since I was last cited for asking one of them to "pick up your napkin" from the dinner table as we were clearing the table, and told that I have no place making those sorts of demands, I have basically disconnected from that part of my step-parenting activities. I no longer ask about homework, school activities, etc... I do what I can keep things going smoothly for my husband behind the scenes (checking the school websites for information regarding class trips, conferences, projects, and the like), but I do not inform or involve the children in my activities.

Anyway, back to last night and my stepdaughter's request that I die in a hole...

What could I possibly respond with. I've been neutered with regard to any sort of parenting activity, since I have never been allowed to be an "adult" in their lives. I've been told to be their friend/confidant, but to not discipline or coach on a parenting level. So, now I have this kid who is allowed to say these things to me as she pleases, and who sees me as the easy target.

Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm on a countdown to the days when the kids no longer live with us? Is it wrong of me to feel like an outsider in my own home? Is it wrong that there are days I feel like I can't (or shouldn't have to) deal with these issues and just want to leave and come back in five years or so? 'Cause honestly, that's how I feel. I'm not sure how to change it, and I understand that my character is defined by how I deal with these types of situations. I guess I'll just take it, and know that I'll only be the "bad guy" for a few more years. I don't think there is anything I can ever do that they will view as acceptable.

One day at a time... unless, of course, that "deadly hole" should come my way ;o)

ARGH (written in the form of an exasperated sigh)


  1. See a family counselor - the three kids and you two. I realize their mother doesn't want you to attend conferences as it makes her uncomfortable. But she shouldn't play a role in what goes on in your home in an attempt to make YOUR FAMILY LIFE better. Seriously. Make an appointment and all of you should go. It couldn't hurt!

  2. WOW...that's the first thing that popped into my head. I can't believe the position you are being put in. Not even being able to tell a child to pick up their napkin? Seriously? I'm guessing the mom is jealous of your time with her kids and wants to make it as miserable as possible for you.

    I agree with Chatty Cathy...see a family couselor. While you aren't their bio-mom, you are still an adult in their lives that has the right to run a household without chaos. I have never understood the "let the bio parents make all the decisions" mentality. There are times when a bio parent isn't there to settle matters and you need to have the respect of the children in order to keep day to day activities calm and respectful.

    I am from a blended family and from the get go, my step-father was just like a father to me. He loved me and my sister, diciplined us, comforted us, and allowed us to be kids. He was very much a big part in our lives and I now think of him as much of a parent as my own mom, and even more of a parent than my bio-dad. Allowing him to be a parent helped our relationship grow into what it is today...instead of him just being someone that lives in the house.

    Good luck...sounds like you need it!

  3. Me and my mom enjoy reading your blog. We are a blended family and needless to say we can relate!!! The 13 year old step sister and step daughter of ours is quite moody and just too cool!!! If you know what I mean!! Love reading your thoughts! :)

  4. Thanks for the comments everyone! It helps to read your reactions and know there are others out there who've lived through similar situations.

    For the record, this Monday evening my husband burned his hand picking up my step-daughter's hair straightener. I guess "someone* left it on all day long ;o)

  5. thats kinda funny actually!!!!! sorry im twelve so i guess thats just my perspective! :)


  7. I'm forteen and I know that at times us teenagers can be a bit too much to handle and I'm sorry that you are in the situation that your in. I try to be the kindest I can with my stepfather though at first it sorta felt like he was intruding I was getting used to it just being my mom and us kids but I thought of it in a good. Way maybe if it has something to do with her real mom. Maybe she just doesn't understand the importance of discipline and always having someone to help keep her in line sure its probably a good idea to get a councelor but first you should tey talking to her yourself and ask her how she feels and if there is anything else that may bother her then it might shed some light on the subject and what you've been dealing with as a stepmom and it might make her feel like she can trust you more and talk to you about her problems.

  8. well, you shouldn't interfere. There not your kids. You might as well be a stranger.... They don't like you. You're not their mom