Thursday, February 11, 2010

Being "Reminded" of my Rights

I am so tired of the kids' bio-mom "reminding" me in a very unfriendly way that I have no say about anything having to do with my step-kids.

I cannot encourage or discourage them from participating in activities
I cannot tell them we do not have a budget to pay for every activity they would like to be in
I cannot communicate to the bio-mom that there are fees we've paid, requiring reimbursement
I cannot speak with teachers
I cannot contact the school for any reason
I cannot access the kids' lunch account information to check the balances
I cannot... I cannot... I cannot...

How much TIME does this women have, to be able to govern not only her own household, but mine as well?!?!

Within my home, and within my "family" (my husband, and my three step-kids), I am the keeper of the schedule, the planner of the budget, the doer of the dishes, the cleaner of the floors, the... well, you get the idea.

So to be "reminded" again and again that while I do these things, I shouldn't; and while I do a darned good job at it, it's unappreciated and downright unwelcome, I get frustrated. Not only do I work hard at all of these things, but now I have to defend my labors? Some people have nerve. Or maybe I should say some people have no shame.

After all, I am the one making sure school information is communicated to the bio-mom (conferences, field trips, etc...). If not for me, she might not have that information. I am the one who reminds my husband to put money in the kids' lunch accounts. I am the one who remembers the Jr. High choir concerts come with a requirement for black pants and white shirts. Yet every few months, I'm "reminded" that it is completely inappropriate for me to be doing these things.

Part of me is eternally grateful that my husband's first wife is not normal (or even human), because if she were, they might still be married. So I guess I get what I get, and her craziness and unrealistic expectations come with the territory. I guess that's mainly why I blog. Because even though I "asked for it", sometimes it gets to be too much crazy for me to contain in my head, and I just have to let it all out.

So I do my best to remain the "silent partner" in my marriage. Of course, I'll never stop discussing issues with my husband (poor guy is always stuck in the middle; it's like he juggling two wives sometimes) and voicing my opinion when it comes to how things are handled within my home. I'll keep plugging along, until the next "reminder" shows up, and I'll have to - yet again - justify in writing why I do what I do.


  1. I'm proud of you for what you do! Thank you for keep me in balance when issues arise with my ex and I vow to never act like her!

  2. Yes Deb! I agree with Jes. While I also complain about my ex - I do have to agree that I have it "good" compared to some.

    I feel horrible that you are treated like you are by her. She doesn't know you - and I imagine a part of her feels threatened by your happiness (happy marriage too) and success.

    MAYBE you should have a baby too :-) I'd SO love to be an aunt!!!!

  3. First of all, let me say, I give great props to anyone who can successfully be a step parent. It's extremely difficult (as difficult as we, everyone included, let it be). When 4 people are involved, if one of those is hesitant, it can damage the entire relationship(s). Here's what I've learned in short.. Honestly, just give up trying to be thier "mom" or step mom. It's hard to do but just try it. Politely tell your husand that you can't do this anymore. Respectfully hand his all responsibilities for the children. I'm not talking about food, clothes, shelter, etc but things like conferences, grades, discipline, etc. I will tell you that IF this other woman, likes having the upper hand and it sounds like she might, she wants you to be upset that you don't have full priviliges. As you step back and don't do anything and show you have NO desire I'm telling you, things will change. Suddenly this woman who wants you out of their life, will be asking you for help. I KNOW it's hard to do but it's the one, best pc of advice I can give you. It's a power thing. You don't have to feel like you'r surrendering at all. Just think of it as REFUSING to participate in a toxic relationship of anyo kind even if it means your husband's children. You will find your spirit freed! After all, in reality you are not the kids biological parent & I don't think that being a step parent gives us those same rights. They are your husband's children. He should be the disciplinarian BUT being your husband, it would be best to discuss it with you as his decisions will ultimately impact the entire family. Please know my advice comes from years of experience. I have step daughter whom I raised since she was 5 (now 17). I learned SO much and also learned that YOU will always be the bad guy but you want to be sure that when the kids are old enough to understand what's happening, THEY know better. Tell, them now, where you much you love and care for them. As hard as it maybe, tell them you are going to respect their Mother's wishes and step back but give them permission to come to YOU if they need anything at all. Never allow them to hear you talk negative about their Mom. This will only encourage her behavior and they will too think you're the bad guy and wind up beieving what she may have to say about you (if she's talking negative). Sorry this is so long. I just feel I have TONS to offer you here. If you need to chat, feel free to contact me.
    Good luck!

  4. Also, I wouldn't dare bring a child into this (by having a baby right away). Establish your ground here and then move forward.