Being "Reminded" of my Rights

I am so tired of the kids' bio-mom "reminding" me in a very unfriendly way that I have no say about anything having to do with my step-kids.

I cannot encourage or discourage them from participating in activities

I cannot tell them we do not have a budget to pay for every activity they would like to be in

I cannot communicate to the bio-mom that there are fees we've paid, requiring reimbursement

I cannot speak with teachers

I cannot contact the school for any reason

I cannot access the kids' lunch account information to check the balances

I cannot... I cannot... I cannot...

How much TIME does this women have, to be able to govern not only her own household, but mine as well?!?!

Within my home, and within my "family" (my husband, and my three step-kids), I am the keeper of the schedule, the planner of the budget, the doer of the dishes, the cleaner of the floors, the... well, you get the idea.

So to be "reminded" again and again that while I do these things, I shouldn't; and while I do a darned good job at it, it's unappreciated and downright unwelcome, I get frustrated. Not only do I work hard at all of these things, but now I have to defend my labors? Some people have nerve. Or maybe I should say some people have no shame.

After all, I am the one making sure school information is communicated to the bio-mom (conferences, field trips, etc...). If not for me, she might not have that information. I am the one who reminds my husband to put money in the kids' lunch accounts. I am the one who remembers the Jr. High choir concerts come with a requirement for black pants and white shirts. Yet every few months, I'm "reminded" that it is completely inappropriate for me to be doing these things.

Part of me is eternally grateful that my husband's first wife is not normal (or even human), because if she were, they might still be married. So I guess I get what I get, and her craziness and unrealistic expectations come with the territory. I guess that's mainly why I blog. Because even though I "asked for it", sometimes it gets to be too much crazy for me to contain in my head, and I just have to let it all out.

So I do my best to remain the "silent partner" in my marriage. Of course, I'll never stop discussing issues with my husband (poor guy is always stuck in the middle; it's like he juggling two wives sometimes) and voicing my opinion when it comes to how things are handled within my home. I'll keep plugging along, until the next "reminder" shows up, and I'll have to - yet again - justify in writing why I do what I do.

"GO DIE IN A FREAKING HOLE."

That's what my dear, sweet, 13-year-old stepdaughter posted on her facebook page last night. Who, you might ask, is she wanting to die in this hole? That would be me. Why might she want me to die in this hole? That would be because I let out an exasperated sigh in response to her refusal to take responsibility for her hair straightener being left on for a solid three days. Last night, she asked which of her brothers had plugged in her hair straightener. Of course, neither of them had used it/plugged it in, and as such, she was the one who must have left it on. However, when her dad and I pointed out that she must have been the one who left it on, my stepdaughter became upset and defensive, accusing her dad or I of turning it on. Surely she couldn't be at fault. After a few minutes of her and her dad discussing the the logic of who must have left her straightener turned on (and her denying responsibility), I let out an exasperated "argh" sigh, knowing I was not at liberty (as I've been told before) to express any criticism of her actions/words.

No sooner had she gone to her room, upset about the fact that we would even insinuate she was to blame for the straightener being left on, than "GO DIE IN A FREAKING HOLE." was her new facebook status. I assumed she was aiming this one at her dad, but I was dead wrong (pun intended). After her dad spent some time speaking to my stepdaughter in her bedroom about this statement and how inappropriate it was, he called me to her room and told me that her facebook comment was not directed at him, it was directed at me.

I truly didn't know how to respond. My stepdaughter explained that she was responding to the sigh I let out, and then she gave me the (forced by dad) "I'm sorry". Regret was obviously not how she felt, and she was just going along with what her dad told her to say as a way to avoid any further discussion on the matter.

What to do? For the past year or so, I have tried my best to mind my own business and not get involved in their lives. Since I was last cited for asking one of them to "pick up your napkin" from the dinner table as we were clearing the table, and told that I have no place making those sorts of demands, I have basically disconnected from that part of my step-parenting activities. I no longer ask about homework, school activities, etc... I do what I can keep things going smoothly for my husband behind the scenes (checking the school websites for information regarding class trips, conferences, projects, and the like), but I do not inform or involve the children in my activities.

Anyway, back to last night and my stepdaughter's request that I die in a hole...

What could I possibly respond with. I've been neutered with regard to any sort of parenting activity, since I have never been allowed to be an "adult" in their lives. I've been told to be their friend/confidant, but to not discipline or coach on a parenting level. So, now I have this kid who is allowed to say these things to me as she pleases, and who sees me as the easy target.

Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm on a countdown to the days when the kids no longer live with us? Is it wrong of me to feel like an outsider in my own home? Is it wrong that there are days I feel like I can't (or shouldn't have to) deal with these issues and just want to leave and come back in five years or so? 'Cause honestly, that's how I feel. I'm not sure how to change it, and I understand that my character is defined by how I deal with these types of situations. I guess I'll just take it, and know that I'll only be the "bad guy" for a few more years. I don't think there is anything I can ever do that they will view as acceptable.

One day at a time... unless, of course, that "deadly hole" should come my way ;o)

ARGH (written in the form of an exasperated sigh)

Lessons in Life

Have you ever encountered someone who is unable to admit when they are wrong? To me, it's one of the most frustrating experiences; when someone refuses to take responsibility for their actions.

My 13-year-old stepdaughter is absolutely unable to admit she's made a mistake or error. She refuses to say the words "I am wrong" or "I made a mistake" or "It was my fault". Even when all the evidence points directly to her, she still is unwilling to step up and take the responsibility.

Case in point: last night at dinner, I noticed she was wearing a pair of my sock. Not a big deal, but I said "hey - you have my socks on". Her response was, "Well they were in my drawer". To which I replied, "Well your dad and I did not put them in your drawer, you are in charge of putting your own clothes away". Her rebuttal was "They were in the back of my drawer, so they must have been there a long time".

Not once did she say "I'm sorry, I must have grabbed them by mistake". Or "I probably put them in there a while ago, I'm sorry".

After we established they were mine, and she became very defensive, I said to her, "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?", prompting her for the appropriate phrase. Her response was a very angry/defensive/snotty/huffy, "I'm sorry I took your socks, ok?!?". Definitely not a sincere apology/admission of responsibility.

I admit, her taking my socks is not a big deal. It's completely inconsequential (except, of course, that roughly 50% of her socks end up "mate-less" after she wears them). I was not upset they were on her feet, just pointing out that she was wearing my socks and therefore should not place that pair in her drawer after the next time they were washed.

However, as she listed excuses for why they were on her feet - an attempt to not take responsibility - I got frustrated and disappointed. Her dad stepped in and tried to explain to her that taking responsibility for your errors in life, and admitting you're wrong, will only result in others respecting and liking you. The more you are able to admit you're wrong, the more people will view you as honest, human, and likeable.

Yet she sat at the dinner table for over an hour debating the issue and continuing to blame her drawer for having held my socks. She could not understand that there was a difference between saying "I'm sorry, I must have grabbed them by mistake" and "Well they were in my drawer". To her, those two statements are one in the same.

What a frustrating conversation... to help her learn this lesson and see the difference between making excuses and taking responsibility/admitting error.

She still hasn't understood the message. I admire her tenacity and how she is willing to stick to her guns even after an hour of discussion. However, if she doesn't learn this lesson now, it will become increasingly difficult to learn as she gets older.

This isn't the first time she has shifted blame to others, or even to inanimate objects. It's a pattern we've seen in her for quite a while. In fact, not only is she unable to admit her mistakes, she also has double-standards for how she treats others vs. how they should treat her.

But... one lesson at a time. Either we'll get through to her and she'll be more successful in college/career, OR she will continue failing and will remain the victim in all situations where things don't exactly go her way.

Just a Thought...

Lately, my step-kids' bio-mom (the BM) has been stressing the importance of "what the children want", claiming that doing what the children want and what's in their best interest is the key to being a good parent.  On some level, I agree with this.  If the child is able to make good, sound decisions and his/her decisions don't negatively impact others, then by all means they should be allowed to make choices.  After all, being a mother sometimes involves giving up what you want in favor of what's best for your children, right? At least that's how I view it.

What's confusing to me is how this woman, who now claims she only wants what's best for her children (while insinuating my husband and I have a different agenda), at one point decided it was a good idea to leave her husband because she found someone she liked more.  She did so with little or no regard for her children and how a divorce would impact them for the rest of their lives.  As I age, I'm seeing more and more women  - some friends, some acquaintances and some strangers - make choices that can only be described as purely selfish.

It's astonishing how many women tire of their marriages and decide to "try something new", without a second thought as to how their choices/actions/decisions will affect their children. How can a mother decide her need for change is more important than her child(ren)'s need for family and stability?

It seems some moms just don't get it.  When you make a choice to tear your family apart (outside of an abusive situation), you can no longer claim that all you want is what's best for your children.  If that were true, you certainly would not be putting your children through a divorce and the nasty situations that ensue.

What makes the least amount of sense in all this is how a mom can then turn around and say she wants custody of the children because she is capable of making decisions in their best interest.  Obviously, if she were capable of such actions, she certainly would not have put her children in a messed up situation.

Again, I understand that in some situations - such as abuse - a divorce is truly in the best interest of the children, and the mom has every right to fight for custody in these cases. However, a majority of divorces I've witnessed involve pure selfishness.

Anyway, I just wanted to write what's been on my mind lately.  It's incredibly frustrating to be accused of not caring about what my step-kids want and what's in their best interest, especially when the finger-pointing is coming from their BM - someone who has truly made bad decisions for her children.  Somehow, I suspect that greed and child-support play into this whole mess.  It seems to me that a woman who is capable of making a purely selfish decision regarding her children's emotional stability is also a woman who might consider the financial benefits that child support would bring to her.

New handbag, anyone? ... Anyone?

Dinner Party

Last night, a group of my husband's co-workers (including his new boss, who was in town from Atlanta) came over for dinner.  There were seven of us in all, and I made enough food to feed at least 20 people.  Oh well, I'd rather have too much than too little.

I didn't take pictures of anything; I was a bit too busy for that.  The menu included:

• Flatbread pizzas; one with a fresh tomato, sun-dried tomato, pepper bacon, fresh mozzarella, and basil topping... and one with a caramelized onion, gorgonzola, bacon and honey topping.
• Lasagna made with ground turkey, spinach and large portabella mushrooms (half had mushrooms)
• Cream-sauce pasta with onions, garlic, shallots, chicken, baby portabellas and marsala wine
• Italian salad with romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, jumbo black olives, red onion slices and peppercorncini
• Rosemary and olive oil breadsticks
• Homemade tiramisu

The tiramisu is something that I recently discovered to be very easy to make and incredibly delicious.  I could not, for the life of me, find ladyfingers at any local grocery store, so I substituted frozen pound cake; you can't tell the difference!  I'll post the recipe here and will try and remember to take a picture the next time I make it.

INGREDIENTS

• 8 oz. tub of marscapone cheese
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 3 tablespoons of amaretto liquor
• 3/4 cup of strong espresso or very strong coffee
• 1 Sara Lee (or comparable brand) frozen pound cake
• 1 cup of heavy whipping cream
• 1 teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa powder

TO ASSEMBLE

1. Start by taking the frozen pound cake and slicing it into 1/4" slices.  Set these slices aside and allow the cake to thaw
2. In medium-sized bowl, combine the marscapone cheese, sugar and amaretto and beat on medium speed until creamy and thoroughly combined
3. In a separate medium-sized bowl, whip the cup of heavy whipping cream on high speed until stiff peaks form; this will take about 3 minutes
4. Gently fold the cheese/sugar/amaretto mixture into the whipped cream
5. In an 8" x 8" glass baking dish, pour the espresso (coffee) and quickly dip each slice of pound cake into the coffee mixture, flipping over so both sides absorb the liquid
6. Once all the coffee is absorbed, place a layer of pound cake slices in the bottom of the baking dish (you might have to "squish" some of the pieces and cut a few in half to make them fit evenly in the dish) and top with 1/2 of the whipped cream/cheese mixture
7. Place another layer of pound cake slices and top with the remaining half of the cream/cheese mixture
8. Dust with unsweetened cocoa powder - I use a mesh tea strainer to do this; simply put a teaspoon of cocoa in the tea strainer and tap the strainer over the top of the cheesecake - voila!  a light, even dusting of cocoa powder!
9. Cover with foil and refrigerate until you're ready to serve

Chicken Tikka Masala

Last Saturday, I took a break from the Thai curries, and decided to make an Indian curry; Chicken Tikka Masala.  There are numerous variations of this recipe, but I wanted to make one that (I thought) the whole family would like.

It turned out to be a bit too spicy for the wee ones, but Jesse and I really liked it.  This recipe serves 6-8

INGREDIENTS

FOR CHICKEN:

• 1 lb. chicken breasts (either 3 or 4 breasts)
• 1/4 Teaspoon salt
• 1/2 Teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 Teaspoon ground coriander seeds
• 1/2 cup plain, lowfat or non-fat yogurt

FOR CURRY:

• 1 large yellow/sweet onion, diced
  
• 1 Tablespoon finely minced garlic
• 1 Tablespoon freshly grated ginger root
• 32 oz. Hunts(TM) Petite Diced tomatoes
• 3 Tablespoons Garam Masala
• 1 Teaspoon Thai chili powder
• 2 Tablespoons canned (and drained) green chiles
• 1/4 Teaspoon sugar
• 1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream (at room temperature)
• 2 Tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro leaves

FOR RICE:

• 2 cups Basmati rice
• 1 Tablespoon Tumeric
• 1 bag (12 oz.) frozen peas
• 4 Tablespoons salted sweet cream butter

TO PREPARE THE CHICKEN:

1. Season the chicken breasts with ground cumin, ground coriander, and salt
2. Coat each chicken breast with plain yogurt
3. Grill over medium heat until cooked through - about 10 minutes
4. Remove from heat, and let sit for 5 minutes
5. Dice cooked chicken into 1" pieces, and set aside

TO PREPARE THE CURRY:

1. Melt 2 Tablespoons of salted sweet cream butter in a medium-sized skillet
2. Add the diced onions, and saute until golden (about 5 minutes)
3. Add the minced garlic and grated ginger, as well as 1/2 Teaspoon of salt to the onions and saute 2 minutes
4. Add 3 Tablespoons of Garam Masala spice and 1 Teaspoon Thai chili powder to the saute pan, as well as 2 Tablespoons canned (drained) green chiles.  Stir to coat ingredients with Garam Masala
5. Next, add the petite diced tomatoes and their juices (remove any pieces of tomato that look green/yellow, and discard), and 1/4 Teaspoon white sugar.  Stir to mix ingredients.
6. Simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes or so, stirring occasionally
7. Right before serving, add 1 1/2 cups of heavy cream, diced chicken breast, and 2 Tablespoons chopped cilantro to the pan.  Stir to combine.
8. Serve over rice

TO PREPARE THE RICE:

1. Place 2 cups Basmati rice, 1 Tablespoon Tumeric, 4 Tablespoons salted sweet cream butter and 4 cups of water in a rice cooker.  Set to cook and walk away.
2. When rice finishes cooking, open rice cooker and add the frozen green peas, stirring to combine and heat peas.  Let sit 3 minutes until peas are cooked through.

Spoon rice onto each plate, top with curry/chicken mixture and enjoy!

We served this with fresh vegetarian spring rolls and some garlic Indian Naan bread.

"SERENITY NOW"

Most women get to choose one or the other: Stay-At-Home Mom or Career Mom.  I get to do both this summer.

For the past several years, the children (my step-kids, age 15, 12 and 10) have gone to their biological mom's house during summer days.  Their dad would drop them off in the morning on his way to work and pick them up on his way home from work.  This was done for a few reasons:

1. He was, at one time, a single dad who didn't have daycare.
2. The biological mom (a.k.a. bio-mom, "BM", or "Momster") is a true stay-at-home mom. She doesn't have a job and therefore can devote her time to the children.
3. The BM has a community pool in her neighborhood, and the children enjoy spending their summer days at the pool.

This year, however, is different.  The first day of my husband's custodial week during summer vacation, the Momster mentioned to him that the children wish to spend their summer days at our house.  I'm not exactly sure why this change took place - last year, the kids had no interest in staying here - mostly because there are no other kids their age in the neighborhood, we don't have a pool, and I work from home (which means they need to remain relatively quiet during the day).

My oldest step-son was upset at the prospect of staying here.  He wanted to stay at his mom's house (we suspect this was so he could play World of Warcraft on the computer - a game he does not have at our home).  My step-daughter and youngest step-son were all for staying at our house, thinking they were getting out of a summer of cleaning and general responsibility.

When my husband mentioned this change to me, I wasn't too pleased.  First of all, the Momster made such a huge deal last year about the children staying at her home, and said she was advocating on the children's behalf by requesting they stay with her - why is this year all of a sudden different?  Second, I work from home, which means I require a level of concentration and devotion to my job, in order to help provide food, clothing, and basic necessities for this family - I know these kids, and I know their (lack of) ability to "keep quiet".  Third, what would they do all day - I explained that I was concerned about sleepovers and other kids being here and how it would be a disruption to my day.  Fourth, having to pay for daily lunches for the kids will impact my budget, as I currently do the grocery shopping for our family.

I mentioned all these concerns to my husband, and was assured that they would all be addressed.  The kids would be reminded to keep quiet during my work/office hours, they would be in charge of cleaning up their own messes, and they would not be allowed to have friends over during the week with the exception of special occasions when my husband can be home to maintain a level of order.

There - my concerns were addressed and things should work out fine.

Except... during the first week of the kids being home: I was interrupted several times (and have since reminded them that they need to knock before entering any closed door in our home); no messes were cleaned up (on Friday there were wet towels on the floor, food was all over the counter and two kids were sitting on our leather couch in wet swim trunks for a good part of the afternoon); no "be quiet" rules were followed (I had a horde of screaming, water-fighting kids right outside my office window for a good part of Friday's work-day); and the "no friends over" policy lasted all of 12 hours - three kids spent the night during my first week home with my step-kids.

To say I've been frustrated is a severe understatement.  I'm not frustrated with the children; they are doing what they're allowed to do... break rules, disregard what I say/request, and have a fantastic fun summer break.  I am, however, very frustrated with their dad, who it seems has allowed all of this to happen (at no consequence to him, I might add).  He does not have to stay home with them and attempt to get work done; he does not have to listen to them fight and argue all day; and best of all, he gets to lessen his interaction with his former wife because he no longer needs to drop off and pick up the children on a daily basis.  It all works out great for him.

When I've voiced my frustration to him this week, and said "I'm concerned about how this was all communicated to me and how it's turned out this week," his response was, "Well, I guess I'm not that cool."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

It certainly doesn't rectify my concerns or help me feel more like we're a team.

Ok, so I understand that all of this stems from me being a step-mom and not a bio-mom to these kids.  However, even if I were their bio-mom, I doubt it would be considered ideal to have 3 rambunctious kids (AND their friends) in my work environment every day.

I have repeatedly quoted Frank Costanza this week: "Serenity NOW!"

I know (hope) it will get better, and that this frustration is just a part of me adjusting to my new routine and new responsibility.  But let me tell you, the thought of running away (or at the minimum, getting in the car and driving in any one direction for a very very long time) has been very appealing!

SERENITY NOW!